Depression ~Michael Clifford

I'm so sorry...

sadly this isn't an update. I know i'm a sucky writer for never being able to update on time and you guys deserve better than me because you're always so sweet and supportive no matter how late I am with the updates or how crappy the chapter is and I really want to thank you for that. I started writing this book so that I could express myself without really admitting that I was the person behind the character who needed help. Your support has helped me tremendously but sometimes i break... 

Stress and anxiety are a constant in my life and sometimes it becomes too much and I don't know what to do. I just become so fragile and now I've embarrassed myself by crying in front of my whole family(grandparents,cousins etc.) we're a very close family so it's a regular thing for some playful banter but I have one cousin who doesn't understand the concept that I don't appreciate being used as his punching bag.

My anorexia has made me so much weaker both mentally and physically so I bruise very easily and it basically hurts when someone touches me with the slightest of pressure so being punched by a sixteen year old boy isn't that comfortable. Just this would probably be enough to make me cry (i'm a sad person don't judge) but then he has to take it one step too far and say shit like "you don't matter,nobody cares" or the worst according to me "You won't amount to anything" This is a thought I have at least ten times per day and it always leads me to the thought of just ending it. I would never take my own life so don't worry about that but it's not a great mindset to be in especially when you're still a teenager.

 I wouldn't trade my family for the world I love them all extremely much but sometimes they overstep boundaries. I never fight with my family even though sometimes I wish I could. My anxiety makes me terrified of confrontation so whenever I confront someone or they confront me it usually just ends in me running away from my problems or just breaking down. My family is quite broken and that adds a huge weight on my shoulders. With my anxiety I basically don't feel comfortable anywhere except for at home in my room but now I just can't relax at home either. 

The arguments are easily hearable through our thin walls and I can't stand it. I can't even remember the last time my parents slept in the same bed anymore. I'm sorry for ranting for like 500 words but I needed to just get it out of my system in order to move forward with my life. If you've read all of this damn I feel bad for you but now you have an insight in my life i guess. 

Once again I'm so thankful for you guys who are reading this story especially the ones that always votes and comments you can't even imagine how happy it makes me. I'll try my hardest to get the update out before next week but I can't guarantee anything, i'm sorry.