I Don't Do Sadness // Jyrus

blue funk

Once his step-mother left, Cyrus stood in a now silent house by himself, staring at the door. His sobs had stopped and he was now just feeling the pull that sadness did to him. He sighed loudly before hitting his head with his hands and going up the stairs. His bag was still slung over his shoulder and it all of a sudden felt heavy and was hurting his shoulder.

The silence throughout his house was tingling him and he kept walking around upstairs, not having a real destination. When he walked into his room, it was too hot and dark for him to be in so he just threw his bag inside and turned around. He started walking to the bathroom, but paused in front of his parents' office.

Inside was a desk, an old couch, and several filing cabinets. They were so dedicated in their work and wanted to be connected with their patients at all times, so they'd bring a binder with whoever they were meeting with that day and would be able to focus on those specific people. They also had two copies of each of their patient files, one for the office, and one for the home office, in case something happened to one or they just needed to look at a patient.

Cyrus had looked at the patient files whenever he needed comfort. When his parents were getting a divorce, once when Andi and Buffy were fighting and he was in the middle of it, and even when he realized he was gay. It was nice to see other people's experiences. He could always look up whatever he needed, but there were so many restrictions on his phone, especially now, and he knew his parents would find out about whatever it was he was searching.

The metal filing cabinets just pulled Cyrus into the room like he was a magnet, and he found his mind wild with wanting to read them. He always read them when something was wrong and he knew now that something was wrong. Something was wrong with him.

Being a super sleuth, it was easy for Cyrus to pick the lock, he had done it so many times. He started to go down alphabetically by people's last names. Most of the people he had already known like they were old friends, so he flew past most of the A's knowing that there was nothing he needed with them. He pulled out a few that he knew had depression or he wasn't sure what was wrong with them, but his heart stopped when his eyes fell on a specific file.

Beck, Jonah.

Cyrus froze for a moment, unsure of what to do. His hands were trembling and, before he knew it, he was holding Jonah's manila folder in his hands. He went over and sat at the desk, staring at the folder in front of him. Very slowly, he opened it and pulled out the sheet of paper inside.

From being around his four shrink parents, he was able to tell what they terminology was for everything and could saw that Jonah was dealing with anxiety. He had had anxiety attacks.

He quickly pulled out notes that his father had written and read how they were about the pressure that was put on Jonah. The fear that he was constantly radiating in their sessions. He couldn't believe his eyes.

All of this time, Cyrus had thought that Jonah was a perfect human being, but he just wasn't. And Cyrus completely overlooked it.

Cyrus had anxiety as well, and had suffered with panic attacks, and now knowing that Jonah felt the same pain made his heart hurt.

He immediately wanted to talk to Jonah about it. But then his mind retreated back to his left arm and the cuts residing there. And he knew that Jonah wouldn't be honest with Cyrus if Cyrus hadn't been honest with him.

But he wouldn't understand.