do I really hate you? || Max and Harvey Mills

six; bad history

Max's pov:
i picked up our keys and got in the car, on the way to TJ's place i was thinking of an excuse to get into Ash's room without TJ being suspicious. Once i got there i used my spare set of keys that TJ gave Harvey and i when i got inside i saw TJ.
"hey max, did you bring ash back?"
"no she's still at our house, i just left some of my stuff in her room"
"oh right, go straight up then" i nodded and headed up to her room. When i got to her room i began to look for something that could be a diary of some sort or just something she would write in. After about five minutes i found a small box that had 'private' written on it, i opened it to reveal pieces of paper that all had writing on it. There was A LOT. but one was different to the rest almost like this one was meant to be more private than the others. I picked it up and well read it.
Here i go, getting some of my thoughts out, hoping it will help, knowing it probably won't. i don't really know how to write this so i'll just go for it. A couple weeks ago i lived with TJ and his roommates, I always felt like his roommates treated me weirdly but i never thought it would get this out of hand. TJ's roommates would always hit on me, slap my ass and do other inappropriate things, they were all at least 3 years older than me and didn't know what no means. One day i was feeling sick so i stayed home from school, Matt, one of TJ's roommates and the main guy that would hit on me kept coming in to check on me. This one time he came to check on me he didn't just stand at the door and ask if i was alright he came and sat on my bed right next to me. He put his hand on my thigh, rubbing my leg, moving his hand slowly up my body and told me how much he wanted to do certain things with me, that was when i realised how terrified i was of him, i moved his hand away and told him i didn't want it, asking him to stay away from him. He just came closer and closer then started kissing me, he removed my clothes and kept going. Only stopping when he thought that TJ would be home soon. i was terrified. i still am. i don't think i will ever be okay. This wasn't the only time it happened, Matt did it five other times, Joe did it twice, John did it once and Lachy also did it once. After every time the boys would tell me how much of a slut i am, i am pathetic, worthless, waste of space and so many other things. It hurt. But who am i kidding they're are right and everyone thinks it. There was multiple times i thought i might be pregnant, i wasn't and i'm lucky. i didn't feel safe anywhere, let alone my own home. So i left, i told TJ i missed mum and dad even though i didn't but i moved back in with them. i am still horrified of what happened with those boys, who in the right mind thinks it's okay to rape your roommates little sister. Who in the right mind thinks it's okay to rape anyone! Great start to the year, i know right. Why does my life have to be so messed up. Why am i so worthless? Why can't i just die?
2/1/2017
OMG WHAT! SH-SHE GOT? NO I FEEL REALLY BAD NOW. I WALK INTO TO THERE AND IMPLIED HER AND HARVEY DOING SOME NASTY SHIT AND LITTLE DID I KNOW. WOW I'M SUCH A DICK. HARVEY BETTER BE  CAREFUL IF HE HURSTS HER ISTG. i continued to read all of Ash's note and i just felt worse and worse. She's been through so much. All these letters went from 2014 till now i assume. But can you imagine all these drama at school, with your parents and with you brothers flipping roommates starting when your 12. Harvey better never hurt her. I had pretty much finished them all except for one so i quickly scanned it and wow she wrote this just before we met.
Tomorrow i'm leaving, i'm getting out of this hell of a house. i'm going to live with TJ again, it's been just over a year since the last time i saw/lived with him. i just hope he has better roommates than last time. i barely handled it last time how am i meant to handle it if it happens again. i'm also not ready to start a new school AGAIN. i've been to six different high school, SIX! i'm only in year nine. i don't even want to know how many primary schools i've been to but i know it's more than ten. i also know not one of those schools were good. i've been expelled from five and none of them were my fault. The others i left either because i moved or because of bullies, stupid bullies. i don't know why people targeted me so much, actually that's a lie i do know, i mean look at me why wouldn't you want to bully me. i think the school that effected me the most was my last one, at this school i was actually liked, well they acted as if they liked me, in the end they didn't they were just like everyone else. well that one was my fifth school to be expelled from and it's all Jessica's fault. At this school i was fairly popular with the boys and some of the girls didn't like that apparently all the boys were to distracted with me to notice the others and me being me didn't even notice because of my 'loving' boyfriend, he was a grade older than me and he cheated. that really hurt me. i think if i'm going to date again i have to be sure he actually likes me back because i've been hurt that many times and i can't go through that again. anyway Jessica was over the moon when he cheated on me, she also decided it would be fun to spread rumours of me cheating on him with multiple different guys, so that made most the girls hate me. the only ones that didn't hate me were the ones i hung out with, not a lot of the boys hated me because they were distracted by my 'hotness' i have no clue what they were seeing because i'm not pretty let alone hot so yanno. Even though almost everyone hated me i was still the popular chick and it stayed like that till Jessica caused more drama and then we got into a big fight and well i punched her... multiple times... very hard. i should've only got suspended but Jessica's dad paid to get me expelled so that was that. she must really hate me because she got her dad to pay a lot and i mean a lot, a lot i guess it doesn't bother me that much because i get to see TJ and i get to go away from my fake ass parents. i just hope no one at this school sees me the way i see myself. a worthless waste of space. but i'll do what i always do, i'll put up a wall, act tough, act happy and hopefully no one breaks it.
25/05/2018
what- ash is- no, she can't she seems so happy like real happy. i wonder how much of this TJ actually knows. wait omg Harvey! what if he hurts her? she wrote she wouldn't be able to handle it but what does she mean like some of this i stuff is really deep and i'm scared that she'll hurt herself, surely she won't. i'll make sure she won't. even if her and Harvey don't last, i'll make sure she doesn't hurt herself... wait? why do i care so much? do i like her? no i couldn't, could i? she's annoying, rude, short, cute, pretty, funny, she's got a really great smile and these gorgeous ey- you've got to be kidding me! why do i fall for Harvey's girlfriend, who hates me. good on you max, good on you.
*text messages*
Max🙄:
hey shorty...
Shorty🙊:
eh, what do you want
Max🙄:
are you okay?
Shorty🙊:
perfectly fine but why
Max🙄:
well don't be mad but i'm in your room...
and i read all the letters in your box
Shorty🙊:
the one that said private?
Max🙄:
yeah...
Shorty🙊:
wtf max!
can't you read
private!
FUCKING PRIVATE
Max🙄:
wow calm down, harvey was worried
so i told him i'd find out and see what's going on
Shorty🙊:
how much did you read
have you told Harvey
don't tell Harvey
please
Max🙄:
i read all of it, like all the papers
i think he should know, he cares about you
but i won't if you don't want me to                                                                                                                                              
Shorty🙊:
thank you i guess
but i can't believe you
private means private
and what are you doing in my room
Max🙄:
i'm sorry i really am
and TJ let me in he thinks i left something here
but i'm going to ask you again
are you okay?
Shorty🙊:
i'm fine.
Max🙄:
are you sure i'm on my way back
we can talk?
shorty?
ash?
ashleigh?
tell me if you are okay
*read*
i care about you okay
and it's going to break me
destroy me
but you make Harvey happy
and he seems to make you happy
so shouldn't i be happy?
but i'm not...
and i just have to deal with it
because he likes you
and you like him
but i like you
and you hate me.
*delete your 12 messages?*
*deleted*
can't you just say whether you're okay or not
*your number has been blocked*

hello the end of the messages is relatable so i keep planning how i want this book to go but then i keep changing it whoopsies🤷🏼‍♀️ k, enjoy :)