do I really hate you? || Max and Harvey Mills

twelve; the pain

hi so i wanted to put this trigger warning in as in this chapter there is talk of depression and suicide, if you are easily triggered please don't read or read with caution.

ash pov
i woke up worse than before, sleeping just sucks. to be honest being alive just sucks. after sooking about my decision to go back i finally get up and ready, i skip breakfast and start on my walk to school, earphones in blocking out the world best i can. once i get there i go straight to my locker avoiding the people and the rumours.

max pov
walking the same halls, of the same school, with the same people and she standing right there. i run over to her and pick her up spinning her around.
"ash you're backkkkk!" i squeezed her as tight as i could.
"yes, for now" she smiled slightly.
"hey was that a smile forming?" a smile i haven't seen since harvey.
"what? no. i don't know what you're talking about." she smiled.
"i missed youuuu" she's shook her head and closed her locker.
"mills you literally saw me yesterday" she said and started walking away, i quickly followed.
"yes but not at schoollll" by this point she was at her class
"well bye mills" she walked into the class and sat down.
"bye shorty.." i mumbled to myself through a smile and walked off.

ash pov
3:10
i'm so over school it's absolutely trash. i just wanna go home which i'm about to. max hasn't really left my side the whole day, all the rumours about me have been crazy. i tried not to listen to them but it's hard and it's been like that my whole life i always let the little things get to me and i know i need to stop but it's hard. max and i walk to the doctors and meet Tj there, this is the dreaded doctors appointment. we walk in and Tj talks to the ladies at the front desk who take us to a room with a doctor in it.
4:00
"you must be miss ashleigh shae?" she asks me. i just simply nod.
"well i've heard stuff from your brother and a bit from this lovely gentleman here and i think it's time we talk.. alone" my brother hesitantly leaves the room and so does max.
"now that we are alone, i want you to tell me everything, right from the beginning, no details left out." she gave me a warm smile and nodded signalling for me to start.
5:30
after a hour and a half i finish with the doctor, she gave me medication, some sheets on how to deal with stress, pressure and over all being sad. the thing is i'm not just sad, it's more than that. it's kinda like this numb feeling that consumes my body it's hard to explain but if you've experienced it you would know exactly what i'm talking about. after talking to the people at the desk and the doctor one last time Tj drives max and i home not saying a single word. once we get home i run up to my room and hide in my bed. after a while Tj comes in followed by max.
"hi.." my brother looked at me with sympathy "i think we should talk"
i hated this feeling being the weak one, what if people at school find out, they'll all just think it's because of harvey and i just want attention but that's not it at all. i hate attention if anything i just want harvey back, i want his attention. god i'm so selfish. i stand up facing Tj and max.
"what do you want to talk about?!" i pause for a second "the fact that i have depression? or that i suffer from severe anxiety? what about the fact that some of your mates raped me?! huh? is that what you want to talk about?!" i notice Tj clenches his fist when i say that, i'm on the verge of tears then my phone starts to ring so i answer it without checking the id.
"hi ash" i smiled slightly hearing his voice for the first time in two weeks.
"hi harvey" i say softly trying not to act too excited.
"so i was just calling to tell you that about a week ago i got together with this girl called katie" a warm tear rolled down my cheek "i know that it shouldn't matter since we're broken up and you said you didn't want to be friends i just wanted to let you know before someone else did"
"o-oh okay.." i tried to sound happy for him. "i hope she treats you well harvey" i pause trying not to let my voice break. "know that you deserve the world and s-someone who loves you as much as i do" by this point i was fully sobbing to him on the phone while max and Tj watched me.
"ash are you okay what's going on?" he sounded worried but how could he when he was already doing so much better than he was here.
"i'm fine harvey, i promise. i gotta go now please t-take care of yourself for me, i really am glad that you're happy now.." i quickly hung up, hot tears filling my cheeks. i stared at the ground for a moment then looked at Tj and max.
"what else could i possibly tell you?! i'm so in love with my ex that it physically tares me apart?! that he's moving on and is probably happier now than he ever could be with me?! do you really want to know my thoughts? what i'm thinking? well here it fucking goes. i want to be that girl who cuts open her wrists, sits in the bath full of water. feeling the stinging pain as my blood mixes with the water watching the life literally poor out of me. i really don't know what everyone fucking wants from me, all i want to be is happy but that's not fucking working and no one is even taking the time to realise that no matter what they fucking say i'm still an unstable mess, i'm still the same unworthy piece of shit that i've always been. Tj.. i can't handle this.."
i fall to the ground, not being able to breath. i scratch my arms, legs, stomach, anything i can reach to the point of blood. i look around with the world spinning as if i'm on a ride at a fair. i get more and more dizzy as my breathing quickly escalates, my eyes get heavy but i don't fight to keep them open when all i want it this pain to stop..