Heart-Talk

What is it like to live with social anxiety (My story)

I am not good with people. If you don't start a conversation, we won't have any.

You ever heard of the idea that if you tell a lie big enough, and keep repeating it, people will eventually believe it?

'She is just shy, she will grow out of it.'

This, was my lie.

So I kept waiting for the day I would finally be able to show my true colours without being judged, but the day ............. never came.

Remember that quite kid in your class, the one who used to sit in the very back and never raised their hand? yeah, that's me. Always too scared to speak up. Fighting my battles inside my head, and losing them each and every one of them. A couple years later, not much has changed. What are you about witness may seem funny, until you realize how tragic it actually is.

Social anxiety doesn't just ruin your life, it stops you from living it. At all - self consciousness on steroids.... that's the perfect description. My life may seems quite normal on the surface so I don't think anybody knows, but my world is black and white. Everything I do has to be perfect, cuz i make a mistake, people will remember it, judge and laugh until I die - at least that is how I see it.

All the things that you take for granted, make me extremely nervous. So I end up cold, sweaty, blushing with a shaky voice and a blank mind.

Now, you probably already guessed my love life is not exactly thrilling. Everytime I agree to go out, I instantly regret it. To add a little misery I end up saying no after agreed to the plan. After an hour of going through each and every detail of what happened, I decide he probably hates me. And then he calls. It is a call you will not answer and you will try to avoid this guy because you really like him - which makes no sense I know. The most frustrating part is that i know i am being irrational.

Now isn't it funny how those who are terrified of human interaction are still more attentive than others? I think people can tell we really listen instead of just staring blankly in the void, waiting for our turn to speak up. Maybe that's why I keep attracting weirdos and end up in extremely awkward situations. I mean, I know its 2018 but that:

'I save my used dried out contacts in a baby food jar.'

is not a casual first liner, is it?

Lesson learned. Never take your headphones off in public.

I have to admit though, I am not a complete outcast. But I don't think my friends understand my social anxiety very well. I guess I come off as uninterested and rude, but in reality, I am just too terrified to speak. I try my best though, because alone can turn into lonely pretty fast, so I lie there, all dressed up trying to remember how humans work before I leave the house. And every single time, I know I cant stay but I dont know how to leave. And all i am left in that moment is writing. Writing allows you to gift wrap words and emotions so that you can hand them over for public consumption. Without any personal judgement. Nobody needs to know that this might be about you.

Now , you maybe wondering if there is anything you can do about it, and the answer is locked away in one. single. word:

THERAPY

You build up your hopes, you try your best and then... you fall apart. Days pass before you finally manage to pick up the pieces and clumsily put them together. Each time a part of you gets lost and you know you are never getting it back. But I let that which does not truly matter, truely slide. Because I know that with every piece I lose along the way a new, better one will fill that empty space. And even though i am not there yet, I know that there will come a day when I am the one who is the incharge.