We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve

12

Warning: This chapter is extremely sad, it deals with mentions of a car accident and suicide.

Comment when you find the Death Cure movie reference.

Thomas
I don't understand. I don't understand why Newt can't break up with Gally. Gally is an ass, Gally doesn't deserve someone as great as Newt. But it's what he wants, so I have to support that. I just don't want to see Newt hurt. Tuesday came around faster than I had expected it would, and I was on my way to Newt's house to work on our English project. I couldn't get what he had said about not being able to break up with Gally out of my head. I wanted to scream about how Gally is not good for him, and how he shouldn't be letting Gally hurt him. But I just sat there and let it happen. I still don't know if he even realizes that I have real feelings for him. I guess I should just try not to think about him that way. I should just forget that our kiss ever even happened.
When I got to Newt's house, I knocked on the door and his mother opened it.
"Thomas!" She said happily, "It's good to see you. I wish I could stay, but I'm late for a meeting, Newt is upstairs. Goodbye dear!"
"Bye!" I called after her. She is such a nice lady. How the hell does she approve of Gally? I shook my head to rid myself of those thoughts. English, Thomas. Focus on English. I walked upstairs to Newt's room and found him laying in the middle of floor staring at the ceiling. What the hell?
"Umm," I started awkwardly, "Newt? Are you okay?" He looked over at me and smiled slightly.
"I'm fine," he said, "this is just how I think." I nodded, sounds legit. He stood up and took a seat in his bed.
"Ready to work?" He asked. I nodded again as I walked over to him and dropped my bag on the floor.
"Where should we start?" I asked.

•••

After two hours or so, Newt and I had finished our project and were just laying on the floor of his room talking. We covered topics from the upcoming school dance to which teachers we liked and didn't like. We talked about relationships in our school and who we thought would and wouldn't last. We told jokes and laughed till our stomachs were sore from laughing so hard. I told him stories about New York, he told me stories about here and London. I noticed that most of the stories he told were about his life here. After a while, we just laid there staring at the ceiling in silence. I was searching my brain for something to say. I wanted to ask about his suicide attempts, but I knew that I shouldn't bring that up. So I didn't, and I just continued staring up at the ceiling until Newt broke the silence.
"Tommy," he said sounding serious and unsure, "can I ask you something?" He had turned on his side to look at me, and I could tell that whatever it was he wanted to talk about, it probably wasn't a very happy subject.
"Yeah," I answered sitting up. He followed suit and the two of us were sitting with our legs crossed facing each other. Newt looked unsure of what he wanted to say.
"You don't have to answer okay," Newt said, "just let me know if I cross a line." I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion before nodding. He took a deep breath, "Did you have a little brother?" I swallowed hard and lowered my head. How did he know about that.
"I'm sorry Tommy," Newt said quickly, "we don't have to talk about this. I'm sorry."
"It's okay," I said. "Yeah, I did have a little brother." I looked up at him, he didn't say a word, silently waiting for me to continue. "His name was Chuck. He was my favorite person on the planet." Tears were falling down my face now and Newt gently placed his hand on my shoulder.
"Tommy," Newt said, "you don't have to talk about this."
"Yes I do," I whispered, "I haven't been able to talk about it. Everyone avoids mentioning his name when I'm around, I need to work through this." Newt nodded and scooted closer to me so he could take my hands in his.

Car accident trigger warning

"Say everything you need to say, I'll listen." He told me softly. So I did.
"He was 10 years old. He had his whole life ahead of him, but my dad took that away from him." I stopped and took a deep breath before continuing. "My dad was drunk when he picked us up from school. On our way home, we were at a red light. My dad was getting impatient, so when the light didn't change he drove through it. He didn't beat the car that he didn't see coming. It slammed into their side of the car. Chuck was killed on impact, I was in a coma for a few days, and my dad was in bad shape but he survived. I'll never stop being thankful that Theresa was sick that day. And I'd give anything to go back and trade places with Chuck. It should have been me."
"Tommy..." Newt trailed off. I shook my head as more tears fell from my eyes.
"Could I have saved him?" I asked looking up at Newt, he had a few tears falling from his eyes as well.
"Tommy," he said pulling me into a hug, "there was nothing you could have done. What happened to Chuck, it wasn't your fault." I nodded into his shoulder, not having the energy to speak. He held me until I calmed down.
"Thank you," I said, "for listening." He nodded taking my hands again.
"I'm always here for you Tommy," he said, "and if you have any questions for me, you can ask and I'll answer."
"Are you sure?" I asked. Newt nodded.
"I'm sure."

Please stop now if you are easily triggered. Suicide mentions start now.

"How did you get your limp?" I asked. He nodded, and laughed slightly.
"That's a common question," he said, "most of the time I just tell people I broke my leg when I was younger and it didn't heal right. But after everything you told me, I'll tell you the truth."
"Newt you don't-"
"I want to." He cut me off. "Minho and Alby were my first friends here, they are the only ones, besides my mom, who know the truth. My limp is the result of my first suicide attempt." He paused to gather his thoughts. "It was back in London. I was still living with my biological parents. They were abusive, mentally and physically. They yelled a lot, told me I was worthless, beat me for any and every reason they could find, and when I told them that kids at school were bullying me they told me I deserved it. They said that so often that I guess sometime along the way... I started to believe them." I couldn't believe my ears. "One day it got really bad, I couldn't take it anymore, so I went to the roof of my school. And I jumped off. It wasn't high enough to kill me, I just messed my leg up really bad and hit my head on the concrete. My friend, Nick, found me and called for help."
"Newt," I said shocked, "that's horrible." He shrugged. "In the page you had me read the other night, you said you had tried to kill yourself twice. Is that true?" Newt nodded.
"That second one was bad," Newt said, "it was when I realized Gally didn't love me anymore. And I started to wonder if anyone had ever actually cared about me. Mom was in the process of adopting me when I did it and I almost ruined everything. But they didn't find any evidence that she had anything to do with it, and I told them that I wanted her to adopt me."
"What," I started, "what happened?"
"Well," Newt said, "I went home one day after school, found a knife and tried slitting my wrists. I lost a lot of blood, I really thought that was it, but I forgot that Minho was coming over that day. He found me, called 9-1-1, and tried to stop the bleeding." Newt closed his eyes and looked down. "I still feel bad that he was the one who found me. And I wish... I wish I could change how I feel." A few tears cascaded down his cheeks as I wrapped my arm around him. "I wish someone could fix me." He looked up at me. "I try, Tommy, I really do. I try to think of all the good things in life and all the reasons I have to live, but it gets harder everyday."
"I know," I said, "after Chuck died, I fell into a really deep depression."
"Y-you did?" Newt whimpered. I nodded.
"I thought about ending it everyday." I continued, "That's when my mom finally left my dad. She made me start seeing a therapist, and while some people think they don't help, mine helped me a lot. She helped me work through a lot. Then when we moved here, I got a new one, and she's been helpful so far."
"Who's your therapist?" Newt asked.
"Dr. Ava Paige," I answered, "when I first started going to her I thought she was a joke, but I think she's actually been really helpful." Newt nodded.
"I go to her too," he said quietly, "I have been for years. And she hasn't helped me in the slightest." I didn't know what to say to that.
"Have you told her that?" I asked.
"She knows..."
"I'm sure she's trying," I said.
"She wants to send my to a mental hospital once school is out," Newt mumbled. "She's giving up on me." I couldn't think of anything to say, so I just sat there. "I don't blame her either," Newt said, "I would give up on me too, everyone does eventually."
"I won't," I say. "I won't give up on you."