We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve

3

(Possible trigger warning and depressing thoughts towards the end I'll put * where it starts and ends)

Newt
Gally's voice rang in my head even after he had gone off to his own class. "What the hell is wrong with you!" He had whispered harshly to me, I had tried to respond, tell him that I only knew Thomas's next class because I had given him the tour this morning. He had shut me down and whispered an even harsher "shut up" as his grip tightened painfully on my arm. Thomas, Minho, and I didn't talk the rest of the walk. At least I didn't, I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that they could have been talking about the most important thing in the world and I wouldn't have noticed. I felt like a ghost as I sat down at my desk next to Thomas and Minho. I was so out of it, I didn't even hear most of the lesson.
"Newt?" I was shocked out of my thoughts by Ms. Johnson calling my name. I looked around, everyone was staring at me. Shit, why are they staring? Please stop. I felt my face heat up as I admitted that I wasn't listening. "Maybe you should pay attention instead of daydreaming." She said angrily. I nodded, hanging my head in shame as a few of my classmates snickered. I felt hot tears in the corner of my eyes, why can't I do anything right? I'm such a screw up.
         When class finally ended I gathered all my things and rushed out the door. I have to get out of here.
"Newt!" I turned and saw Minho and Thomas rushing towards me. No, they can't see me like this! I turned to walk faster, but they had already caught up.
"Newt, hey where are you going?" Minho asked.
"H-home," I croaked out. I regretted speaking as soon as the word came out. Both Thomas and Minho looked concerned, and I would have appreciated their concern if I wasn't on the verge of a panic attack.
"Are you okay?" Minho asked placing a hand on my shoulder. I flinched away from his touch as if I'd been burned.
"I-I just need to g-go!" I said before hurrying away. I ran all the way to the parking lot and jumped into my car, slamming the door shut behind me. My hands were shaking, and I was breathing heavily. I squeezed my eyes shut and gripped the steering wheel with both hands. It's okay. It's okay. You're okay. Breathe.
When I finally calmed down enough to drive, I drove home quickly. When I got home, I rushed inside and closed the door. I slid down the door bringing my knees up to my face. That's when I finally let the tears come. Normally I can deal with Gally being an asshole, but I had some really bad nightmares last night and talking to Thomas about all the moving around I've done made me think about my past. I couldn't get it out of my head, this was just one of my bad days.
I don't know how long I stayed crying at the door, I just knew that I needed to calm down before my mom got home. I don't want her to worry. So I stood up on shaky legs and limped upstairs. *I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. Ugly. Worthless. Too skinny. Too many scars. God you're crying about one little comment, get some thicker skin! Weak. Pathetic. You don't deserve this life. I let out a sob as these thoughts filled my head. You can't do anything right, you deserve this.
"Stop crying." I said out loud, "Stop crying!" This only led to more uncontrollable sobbing.
I hate myself.
I deserve the abuse.
I don't deserve the friends I have.
I shouldn't even be alive.
They were right.*