Pretend I'm Screaming This

Alex

I thought I would know what love felt like.

You read those stories about love at first sight and how they could feel it in their chest the second they saw them.

I wanted to know what that felt like.

And I thought I did.

I was fourteen and she had red hair and smoked.

And suddenly my world revolved around her and I felt like I had well and truly fallen in love because I couldn't get back up again.

But its fine, because I just left my heart on my sleeve with a glass case over it so people could always see it but never touch it.

And then I met him.

Every girl in the room had their eyes on him but it was me with the help of my two friends that managed to get his number.

And no I didn't fall for him, no this boy threw me to the ground and crushed me until my bones were dust and my skin was cracked.

He was so nice and caring and innocent how was I meant to expect that of all the boys it was him that was going to leave me screaming in the shower and trying to claw his fingerprints off my skin.

And yes its over a year and a half later and I still find myself crying myself to sleep over it.

Afterwards, I decided that love wasn't real.

That it was just some kind of fairy tale made up to dangle in front of little girls like puppets because there was no way something so beautiful and fragile could exist in a world where people like him didn't even see the wrong in their actions.

So submerged in my world of lovelessness I drowned my veins in vodka and starved my bones with cigarettes because this body no longer felt like mine.

I was walking around in a shell of a person I didn't even know anymore and I did everything you do when you don't give a shit.

You self destruct.

And god did I self destruct.

I let my the little flies in my head turn into fucking eagles and they tore my reality to sheds until I was left questioning everything I saw and felt around me.

I could see people coming to get me, I could feel them trying to capture me and I know it wasn't real but it was fucking terrifying and I couldn't stop it on my own so what if you're the one having to hold me close and protect me from them.

You who I didn't even give a second thought to when I first met you.

You who is so sweet and innocent and everything I wasn't looking for.

You who made me come up for air and make me reconsider whether love is real or not because when you play your bass with that smile on your face I don't even know what to do with myself.

You who has me swinging between 'shit what if he's the one' to 'no we're just friends'

You who makes me feel nothing like that first girl did but I can imagine spending my life with.

You who loves me back and when you say it I know that's all I want.

You who has left me so fucking confused and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Because you deserve so much better than a thoughtless, fucked up, trouble causing, attention seeking, little shit like me.

And I don't mean to be selfish but when it comes to you I don't want to share.

And in the run up to that party I was scared that I would get too drunk and tell you that I fucking love you but then I found myself almost wishing to get it off my chest.

But then I wouldn't be able to take it back and what if I needed to.

Not because I don't know about us, but because I don't know me.