Rebellious

I Need Time

~Chapter Eighteen: I Need Time

Roar_Jungle ©~

It's been three days since Christmas. Three days of faking happiness while I'm actually falling apart. Three days of trying to hold myself together when in fact, I'm falling apart at the seams. Three days of putting on a brave face and repeating 'I'm fine' endlessly. Three days of pretending and being something I'm not.

After Gina had tucked me in and lulled me into a deep slumber, I didn't wake up until nearly 3.p.m. the next day, Christmas day. That was the most I had slept since, jeez I can't even remember, since a long time- yeah we'll just say that.

I had woken up to cheerful laughter and the barking of multiple dogs. The sun was streaming through the cracks in the curtains and it was very warm in my bedroom. My hair was sticking to my forehead and neck, my leggings were rolled up to my knees and I had obviously kicked one sock off during the night as one of my feet wasn't covered in the cotton material.

Christmas didn't hold it's special charm for me anymore. I was the Grinch and the Christmas spirit wasn't within me; it hasn't been with me for awhile now but it has fully lost its meaning for me. How am I supposed to be happy and smiling when I've just lost my mother? How am I supposed to be grateful and accepting when I can't even accept my mother's death? It doesn't make any sense and so, I had retreated to my bedroom for the day, ignoring Gina and Beau's pleas for me to join them in the Christmas fun.

I haven't left my room for three days. It's now the twenty-eighth of

December and I haven't made any further plans for my mother's funeral. I can't even bear to think about what else I need to plan; it needs to be done but it's still too soon.

A raw feeling scratches at my heart whenever I think about putting my mother to rest. Do I cremate her, bury her? I don't know what she wished for but I do know that I miss her so fucking much that it physically hurts.

You know when you break things off with your boyfriend, and it feels like your heart has been ripped from your chest and then been shattered? And how you feel like a zombie or you feel empty because you can't physically hold and be with them? That's how I feel but on a much larger scale. I am numb to everything that surrounds me and I just don't feel anything anymore.

I miss my mum so fucking much and no matter what I do, I am reminded of how I was a complete and utter bitch to her or I wouldn't leave her side.

Although I am alone and not being bothered by my cousins and aunty, I do wish they will distract me because when they do that, I am pulled away from the endless 'what ifs' and my self-destructive thoughts. It feels like a break but I guess I can't catch one, even for a little while.

My Mum and Gina are so similar, that I can hardly look at her because my chest tightens and a lump starts to form in my throat and my mouth goes dry and I'm at lost for words; it's crazy at how Gina and my Mum looked so alike, like they were almost twins.

Beau definitely looks like Gina whereas Luke and Jai look more like my Mum; they have been- were mistaken as being my Mum's sons rather than Gina's.

-------

Glancing at the sketch pad and pencil case that are sitting on the dresser, I slowly sit up and the covers fall from around my shoulders. My eyebrows crease slightly as I slip out of my extremely warm bed and my fingers grasp the items. When was the last time a drew a picture? My eyebrows crease even further as I try to think hard about when I last drew.

Shaking my head, I open the sketch pad and I am met with a drawing of Entei, a majestic Pokemon who is extremely beautiful. The dark shadings and outlines indicate that I need colour to make the drawing more eye-catching.