Rebellious

Ashamed and Diary Entries

~Chapter Twenty; Ashamed and Diary Entries

Roar_Jungle ©~

Dear Diary,

"I don't normally do this kind of stuff so here goes nothing." I say to no-one in particular, just to myself I guess.

I was a burden for my own Mother. I didn't even realise it but as time went on and I started acting out I think my Mum was starting to find it difficult to handle me. I guess it didn't help that she was terminal and I wasn't helping the situation at all. I almost feel betrayed that she didn't tell me. I can't believe I had to find out mere days before her death that she was terminal and that she was refusing medication and therapy. It makes me so mad. I feel, I feel hurt that she didn't trust me. I feel hurt that only now I am beginning to realise that the last time I talked to my Mum, we weren't on good terms. All that time where I was out gallivanting around the town and drinking and smoking and just doing bad stuff, my mum was dying. She was dying right before my own fucking eyes and I didn't notice.

My pen hovers over the page. "God, I feel so fucking ridiculous right now." I shake my head and purse my lips. Tears brim my eyes as I read over what I had written.

How did I not notice that my own mother was dying right in front of my eyes? How did I not notice that my own mother was deteriorating to the point of death right in front of my eyes. Jesus I was so fucken oblivious. I was so fucken stupid to not even realise my deteriorating surroundings.

I'm a fucken idiot.

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Today is the day my mother will finally be put to rest. Today is the day where I will finally leave my room and see proper daylight for the first time in days. Today is the day where I know that I'm going to break down and drown myself in the tears that will be shed.

As I attempted to put on a brave face for my Aunty and cousins, I knew that they could see through my mask and know that I'm drowning in pain, guilt and grief. I'm not ready for this funeral. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my Mother, permanently.

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Dear Diary,

So, as I write this stupid diary entry, I am trying to hold myself together and keep the tears at bay. I will say this though, I am fucking loosing this fight to control everything. My life is spinning madly out of control. I am so depressed and out of it that the only word I can even think of to describe myself at the moment is numb. I am numb to everything around me that it is getting to the point of being fucken ridiculous.

I couldn't stay in the funeral home, I had a panic attack and I guess I just couldn't handle it. I'm fucking ashamed of myself to have ran out of the church and to not be able to enter again. I'm in denial, I can accept that, but I can't accept my mother being put to rest.

Grief is taking its toll on me and it's fucking with my head. I'm overwhelmed and I just can't take it anymore. I can't handle the pain, the grief, I just can't do it anymore.

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A/N:

HEY GUYS! SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN AGESSSS; I'VE BEEN SO BUSY WITH SCHOOL, WORK AND DANCING THAT I JUST HAVEN'T FOUND THE TIME TO UPDATE.

THERE PROBABLY WON'T BE ANOTHER UPDATE TILL AROUND NOVEMBER BECAUSE I HAVE EXAMS AND I SHOULD REALLY BE STUDYING. SO AS OF NOW I AM ON A HIATUS UNTIL NOVEMBER.

THANKS FOR READING AND I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE CHAPTER. I'M SORRY THAT IT'S SO SHORT BUT JUST WRITING WHAT I DID KILLED ME. THIS CHAPTER WAS DEFINITELY THE HARDEST TO WRITE.

SEE YOU LATER XX