Rebellious

Everything is Changing

~Chapter Twenty One; Everything is Changing

Roar_Jungle ©~

Dear Diary,

So, again, I am writing in this stupid fucking journal. It seems to be the only way to get things off of my chest, without telling anyone. It's private and if anyone is to dare to even try to take a peep, I will destroy them. These are my innermost thoughts that are private. These are my thoughts that I can't comprehend. These are my thoughts that are leaving me behind for miles while I try to desperately catch up. These are my thoughts that are rendering me speechless. These are my thoughts that are drowning me.

I need help, I so desperately need help. I'm drowning in this grief and I need a life saver. I was always nonchalant about life but now I am realising just how precious it truly is and I want to get out of this shit hole in my head and pull through, live life, make my mother proud. I'm just too fucking stubborn to reach out to the people who are willing to help me. I'm filled with too much pride to ask for help. I'm too fucking independent and I wish that I spent more time with my Mum; in a sick way, I am glad that I wasn't close with my mother, being close would of just made loosing her harder. It would of killed me being closer to her.

I am so fucked up in ways that people can't even imagine. I'm a cynic and a pessimist and a cloud filled with hatred and negativity is constantly hovering over my head everywhere I go. I can't remember the last time I felt true happiness. I'm so fucking twisted, a boy scout wouldn't be able to untwist the knots that have been created.

My sole goal in life is to make my mother proud, continue the path that is singing and art. I want to fufill my mother's dream but I can't fucking do that if I'm wallowing in grief and guilt. I can't do anything if I stay here and not join the world where there are these things called human beings. I can't move on and accept everything that has happened if I stay holed up in my room writing stupid fucking diary entries. I can't do anything if I can't take my head out of my ass and be the better person for myself and for the people around me.

Being stubborn isn't one of my greatest qualities for this single reason. Being independent isn't one of my greatest qualities for this single reason. Both aren't exactly my most attractive qualities per say. But that's just who I am and it makes me very hard to deal with.

----

Opening my bedroom door, the hinges creak as I try to be as silent as possible. I hold my breath as a noise is carried down the hallway from the lounge or kitchen. Stepping out of the doorway, I walk down the hallway and enter the kitchen. The lights are turned off and noone is is sight. etting out the breath that I was holding, I open the fridge and pull out the carton of milk. I haven't exactly been eating that much lately and to say I'm quite hungry is an understatement. Poring the milk into a clean glass, I gulp down the chilled liquid and gently place the empty glass down on the bench.

"Jesse?" a husky voice asks. Turning around, I come face to face with Beau.

"Beau." I choke out, my eyes quickly filling with tears. He opens his arms and I rush into them and let the tears fall.

"Shhh, it's okay." he whispers.

"I miss her so fucking much, Beau. I miss her so fucking much." I cry, repeating the sentence over and over, my shoulders shaking.

"What's going on here?" A soft voice asks. "Oh, Jesse. Come here sweet." I look up from Beau's shouder and see Gina standing close by, her arms inviting me in for a hug. Beau lets go of me and I quickly crush Gina in an embrace, my arms like vices around her.

"Don't let me go." I choke out. I glance up at her face and see tears welling up in her eyes too.

"I will never, ever let you go Hun. You will always be with me." Gina confirms, her voice wavering sightly. Her arms are tight around me as sobs rack my shoulders. "Beau, hunny, go back to bed, get some more sleep. I'll stay up with Jesse." I presume Beau nods and leaves us standing there, hugging in the kitchen.