Heartbreaks that changed my life

Graduation Day

Hello readers. How are you all??
There are some incidents like the previous one to which sometimes I have to look back to. But the more I look back, the more I cry. And it doesn't feel good even though situationally I have to go back. Because somewhere deep down in a crazy unknown corner of my heart I feebly feel that's what heartbreaks are for. To look back where we had gone wrong and if possible not to repeat the same mistake again with someone else. These are just random words that have come out in a flow of feelings.

2014. The whackiest start of the year came with complaints, problems and some serious issues as all of us know. Complaints regarding my studies were still going on. Orange, one our cats who had gone missing for many days had come back home. Thanks to Dhanush. But the rift between me and Miss Anitha was still going on. Like I had already mentioned, we came face to face but never made it to speak with each other. The sms was stopped for almost a week. Oh!! it's not just a week, it's ten days. I don't know how fast those ten days passed like anything. Morning-Evening-Night I felt like becoming a stupid love failure guy. Except for Khushi's untimely demise and the principal's office incident, I particularly don't remember when I had cried in a girl's name. I was a guy who laughed at many people's breakups and heartbroken relationship status. I guess even my day had come. There was just this difference between me and those people. They never knew what had happened, how I had landed myself in their situations. And God seriously bless these people because they never laughed at me or mocked at me for my situations when they came to know about it. At many a times I even felt like laughing hard at myself for the reason that a girl did this to me. I laughed and laughed looking at myself in the mirror but ended up crying in the bathroom or the restroom. Let me stop the patho talk here. Let's get to know what happened in the graduation day.

25th January 2014:
I don't know about other cities. But in Bengaluru, I have noticed and been a part of graduation ceremonies from the school level. 10th STD I had this wonderful farewell send off and in 2nd PUC I had the first and worst graduation ceremony in my life ever. We even had rehearsals for this graduation function. And our dress code for the day was like; boys were to wear black or blue blazers with white inner shirt and black pants with formal shoes, girls were to wear pink saree or churidar. A week ago I had my haircut and facial hair removal trimming etc stuff. We could not afford a blazer. So I had to borrow it for a day from a known person near our home. This day mattered a lot to me as I was graduating at the base levels of education. I was ready to face the day. But as soon as I stepped out of the home after taking mom's blessings by touching her feet, I felt a slight pull back. I could literally feel the confusion of my thoughts circling in my mind.

" It's a big day for me. Gotta go and face the day brightly.
Should I really go??? Can't I just go on Monday and collect those certificates from the class mentor???
Graduating for the first time. It means a lot!! Oh I can't miss this day...
I guess I forgot something. Well yes!! All my important photography arrangements are cancelled now. What's the point of going and wasting time there???
If a class representative is absent for such an occasion what would my classmates and lecturers think of me???
Let me forget these bullshit excuses for now. The only question is should I go or not??? I have got ready, taken mamma's blessings, come out of the house. Now it wouldn't be good if I go back home. Let me go and see what happens...."

I would have seriously wasted lots of time on the street thinking about all these if not for a friend who was on his way to work. He came at a good time and dropped me to the college in his bike. As usual the college was beaming in a heavy festive vibe. Handsome guys and beautiful gals of the college were seen adjusting their fashion. It didn't matter much to me as I was comfortable without any extra fashion and just as I was. Luckily I had taken mom's phone to the college. Even though it was a small keypad device, I didn't worry about it. The programme started well. But later on I couldn't keep myself quiet. I started looking around for Anitha. I saw her in some random corner of the crowd. She was looking simple and pretty in a pink and green churidar. Amidst all those heavy crowd, there was no gap where I could actually keep staring at her or go and speak to her. I tried to plugin my earphones and listen to the radio. But I was caught and warned not to do so. I couldn't keep myself silent for a few hours. I started feeling guilty for whatever I had done. I badly wanted to go back to her and say that I was wrong and the entire mistake was mine. The programme ended in a sweet manner. And we were given permission to go to the class and take photographs. All the classrooms were filled with students as well as lecturers taking selfies, group photographs, graduation candids and all other various types of pics. Even I was pulled in for many group photographs. But those pics never had the real me. I was faking around everybody who wanted to take pics with me. Fake smiles... Just for the sake of a photograph or maybe someone else....

I was in such a painful feeling which would be very small when described in words. I myself had lost the opportunity to have the most wanted and the most beautiful photograph of my entire life. A photograph which was planned and arranged from weeks. It wasn't easy to do all that. Neither was it easy to decline and destroy all those arrangements. I wouldn't tell what photograph Iam talking about. I would leave the guessing to you readers.

Damn!!! Someone's cutting onions.... Just can't control the flow of the eye liquids...

The evening ended in a very sharp manner. She passed in front of my eyes along with her friend. But I had already put myself in such a position where asking or requesting for the photograph was a far gone and unfinished task, I couldn't even say a "Hi"... I hope you understood what I was trying to tell here. It was burning on the inside. The flame of guilt from a candy was consuming me like hell. I sat down on a stone bench trying to make up my words.

"I am seriously sorry. For the last and final time. Thank you for everything... Sorry again..."

And as I kept typing all these in the sms, I could see her leave the campus with her dad who had come to pick her up. I was shattered completely. I didn't know what to do. I felt like throwing the phone in anger. But it was mom's phone. And I had no right to show my anger on mom's phone. When she left, I felt like I lost her for forever. Depressed and hurt, I sent her an SMS

"Hey, I am sorry. Iam very very sorry. Please... This is the last time I will be sending you a message. After this message I won't send you any messages. Look Iam feeling very guilty for whatever I did with you. I am extremely sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... "

I didn't expect that she would reply back to this and she responded

"Why did you give that candy to me???"

For a minute I got extremely pissed off. But I had to keep my anger to the side. I shot back

"Dude, please... Please forget that... For everyone's good sake... Please forget it... That day is gone... That candy is gone... Let's not reopen the same old issues and spoil our evenings. Please... For your good and my good, please forget it... I accept my mistake. And I am ready to do whatever it takes to correct my mistake. The mistake is entirely mine and I am sorry again...."

She replied back " I will accept your apology on one condition"

A condition??? What was it???

The condition was "No matter what anyone says, I will see you like my brother only"....

If I say no, I would lose her. But I had other plans. So without any second thought only from my mind and not from my heart I gave her the "ok fine...'' in response....

After that there was no further messages or conversations for the evening.... Not just that evening, even the upcoming days became like that... And sometime on a random saturday before we got prepared for our final practical exams, we came face to face... Didn't speak anything... Just smiled and crossed paths... From then on to February 2018 we spent four years without meeting each other by just staying in phonic contact....

Guys, I will tell something from my experience... Some people come in our lives, make big impacts and when they leave, they leave behind marks of feelings in our hearts and minds... This is something that not everyone can understand or make someone else understand about it. If you really need someone and don't want to lose them, please do make the strongest efforts to hold them tightly in you. But don't ever forget your life.... People come and go. But it is your life that keeps you alive and living. Please respect that precious life for sometimes it becomes too fragile to withstand the throw of feelings. Good luck with your life....

Till now it was just a couple of love stories that were running all over these episodes. It's an open spoiler alert. From the next episode, It won't be a love story. It would be something else. Something different. Something beyond and apart from relationships. It's not gonna be big. But Iam sure, it's gonna be interesting... Till then see ya... God bless you... Thank you for reading....