Suicide[ON HOLD]

Who loves you?

When I awoke I was attached to yet another monitor. This time was different, because this time there wasn’t the faint sound of a second monitor, the sound of a smaller and faster heartbeat. I didn’t hear it. I panicked, sitting up, and began to snatch the wires connected to my chest off. Beeping noises began and they persisted as I grew more and more frantic. “Where’s my baby?” I silently rasped. I tried again, louder this time, “Where’s my baby?” I wouldn’t give up the fight. I pushed the covers back, rushing myself off the bed, only to find myself hitting the floor. Excruciating pain shooting through my leg as I looked down and saw my leg engulfed in a cast. It was broken.

“Where’s my baby? I yelled once more, louder than the last, hearing the words echo off the walls. With no answer following I gripped at my stomach, feeling nothing, not even the familiar bump that there was a life in there. I cried, silently to myself for so long that the beeping began to stop. I felt someone helping me up and back into the bed. I looked back, only to find Britt adjusting pillows for me, as she leaned my body further back towards the bed.

“Where’s my baby?” I asked desperately. She continued to tuck me in, ensuring that I was snug wouldn’t fall again. I pushed her hands away. “Where the hell is my baby?” Britt looked at me, a sadness in her face, when she said, “She’s in the ICU, Intensive Care Unit, where they’re keeping her monitored.” I sighed with relief but worry worked its’ way through.

“She’s ok, right?” I asked. She looked to me, smiling, ensuring that I would break into a panic, and said, “She’s premature but other than that she’s healthy.” That worry passed as happiness filled my core.

Everything wasn’t ok though, I could see it in Britt’s face as she frowned. “Cody wasn’t so lucky. He’s in a coma.” I felt myself slip, my world falling, as if it was unreal, untrue. Although I knew the truth, because in that painful instant, I remembered everything from the accident. How we were hit head on, Cody’s side being the most damaged. How, as I slipped into unconsciousness I remember blood, lots of blood, from both myself and him.

Coming back to reality I released myself once more and began to cry. It was all my fault, once again this had been my doing. “How?” I asked.

“When you guys were hit, he lost a lot of blood. They tried to stop the bleeding in the ambulance but on the way to the hospital he went into shock. From that point on, there was nothing more they could do. The bleeding continued and during surgery they lost him. He hasn’t woken up since then.”

“Can I see him?” I asked. She helped me out of bed as a nurse went to grab a wheelchair. They led me to another room, not far from where mines’ was said to be. Britt brought crutches along with her. I limped over to him, not quite used to the feel of the crutches yet, and sat myself beside him. He looked so fragile, not like the same person I had seen previous to this, confronting my dad.

I couldn’t take the sight of him, knowing that the reason he was here was because of me. So, I kissed his cheek, brushed his hair back, and wobbled back over to the wheelchair.

“I want to see her.”

That was all it took for Britt to understand as she wheeled me off towards the Intensive Care Unit. The anxiety I felt took over me as I rambled off how excited I was to finally meet my baby.

“I can’t believe it. I can’t believe she’s here. I did not expect her to come so soon. I don’t even have a name, what should I call her?”  She smiled as I rambled on, leaving me to my unanswered questions. When we reached the infants’ IC unit I asked for her to leave. I wanted this moment to be magical, something I would always remember. I wanted Cody there.