dear diary↝nomin

02

it was friday, finally. jeno had made plans for jaemin to come over, they were going to do what boys do and play video games and laugh at their dumb jokes and eat pizza and make out all night. jeno wouldn't admit it to anyone but after jaemin fell asleep, he liked to stare at the boy and fantasized about what it would be like if he got to cuddle next to him and run his fingers through his hair. or what it would be like if he could lean over and kiss him.

somedays he was close to just leaning over and giving jaemin a quick kiss, but he couldn't. he wouldn't jeopardize their friendship in that way. jaemin was straight. he made that clear.

"jeno? are you okay?" the boy asked, pulling jeno out from his thoughts. jaemin couldn't help but let out a soft chuckle at the clueless face his friend gave him. "we're you even listening to me?"

"umm no?"

"i told you that i'd be over around 5 tonight. my mom needs me to clean the house before i leave." all jeno heard was the first sentence before he let himself get lost in jaemin's eyes. they were so beautiful to jeno. everything about jaemin was beautiful to him.

"that's fine."

dear diary,

i can't wait for you to come over! oh gosh we always have so much fun together. it would be better if i could hold your hand though, or maybe kiss you? i don't know. my mind is racing with so many thoughts, somehow they all are about you. i really wish i could tell you how i felt. you're okay with me being gay because it doesn't have to do with you, but it does. all of it. i came out to you in hopes that you would say something that would only lead me to make you mine.

but then you didn't. you told me that you didn't mind me being gay as long as i kept my future boyfriends away from you because you didn't want your parents to know that i'm not straight. it hurt to hear that, but at least you still wanted to be my friend.

at least i'll still have you in some way.