Moon In Gemini

To: David Key (2018).

You told me you never hold grudges
And that was a lie from the pit of hell
It seems like you kept a list mentally of every altercation we had
You based our relationships length and worth on altercations
I know they were frequent
But if you didn't like it , why didn't you change your ways?
If you weren't happy with my love and my energy how come you didn't say anything?
Why did you lead me onto believe that our love was unconditional if you knew you only loved me when the conditions were right?
You seen me crumble and decided that my intensity was too much
Its funny how I would refrain from being around you because I felt I was too much
When it was the actual truth
You were angry at me for a statement that was the truth
How can you say I wasn't too much but then break away from me because I actually am?
I always asked you
And every time you got angry
And everytime it turned into an argument
Because it was the truth
All you had to say was yes
If you knew you didn't love me the way I loved you
You could've said that way back when you saw me falling for you
You should've told me that you weren't in love me so I wouldn't have fallen so deep
I'm ashamed now
I let you see all of me
And now you decide that all of me isn't worth it
You tell me that I'm beautiful but you're only saying it because you're caught up in the moment
When you are angry with me suddenly I mean nothing to you
Suddenly those girls you face time mean something
If you have them why do you need me
Why do you need your ego to be boosted by them?
You know how disrespectful that is
There's nothing wrong with friendly conversations
I'm okay with that
I know our minds need evolving
But it's not okay when you get more comfortable with them than you are with me
It's not okay when you begin to put trust into those girls when you don't even trust me
When I wake up in the morning I feel empty
I placed so much of my love into you just to keep you full that I forget to fill my own cup
It's amazing how even when I was crumbling
I somehow managed to nurture you and give you the love you wanted
It's excruciating to know that when I was crumbling , you didn't even feel like planting the seeds to help my garden grow again
You'd rather abandon me and feel good because you don't have to tend to me
You taking care of me seemed like an obligation
And it became a burden
I took your word
And I let you help me
But your help comes with an amount
You only wanted to help me x number of times
After a while you didn't want to help no more
Yet you told me you always would
I'm sitting here wondering why I see so much beauty in you and how you see nothing but toxicity in me
I've tried to show you love the best way I knew how
Love is essential and it's something you seem to miss out on everyday
I listen to your music
You never mention love
That's how I knew you didn't believe it , but still I persevered
I wanted to convince you that love was worth the risk
And that you wouldn't be sorry for taking a chance
With me
I see now that you don't value me
How could you?
You don't even value yourself?
You don't even understand how beautiful your brown eyes are and how i'd like to see the world from your lenses
Although , you never let me see
How can I understand if you never altered my vision for me to see your perspective?
I may be a product of broken people
And I may lack qualities that are necessary
But there's one thing I do not lack
And thats love
I loved you through everything
Even through anger and irritability
Love was still there
We were on two different levels
While confrontation brought me closer to you , it took you far away from me
That's how I knew when things weren't right
I felt it
You say you'd never cheat on me , but your neglect seemed to be a sure sign
How could you neglect someone you love?
You always told me to call you when I needed you and when I did, you answered with annoyance and aggravation.
Thats why I always felt like I was bothering you
And you kept lying to me saying I wasn't when you knew damn well I was
I needed you
When my mother was in and out of reality I needed you
When I didn't feel like breathing any more, I needed you
When my anxiety became too much to bear, I needed you
And what did you do?
You didn't want to be bothered
You turned it into confrontation
And to my anxiety that was confirmation that the love was one sided
You act so happy without me
Is my energy really that difficult?
Im starting to think you aren't acting
Maybe you really are happier without me
Let me say this one more time though, One thing about me is , I may be a product of broken people
And I may lack qualities that are necessary
But I do not lack love
That's why I loved on you so hard
Because I've never had anyone love on me that way
And it's evident that you haven't either
Despite what my zodiac sign says about Sagittarius being impatient, i was very patient with you
I let you grow
I let you blossom
Without planting the seeds of the flower that I thought you should be
I did water you but I never washed you down with my ideas of who you should be and what you should believe in
I don't understand what scares you about vulnerability
You're able to tell everybody else everything but me
Yet you always tell me I should come to you
You contradict yourself a lot
The things you wanted me to do for you, you should've been doing for me
I wonder how you sleep at night honestly
I wonder if anyone's ever asked you if you were in love with me and I wonder if you said yes
I wonder if you've ever took the poems from under your bed and read them to yourself
My poetry being under your bed symbolized exactly how you think of me
Beneath you
As much as you like to debate this with me It's true
Because if me and you were truly on the same level
Would you even have to second guess about me?
Would you have to wonder if I'm worth it or not?
That's what hurts the most
Questioning
The fact that you question something so sentimental to me
You question your feelings towards me
It's excruciating to know that you don't love me the way I love you
And it's even more painful that everyone see's me as the villain and you the victim
They tell you that you should leave me because you've only filled their heads with bad memories
Have you ever filled people's heads with the good memories?
I'm not all bad
And you know that
If I made your life so miserable and so hard , you should've stayed away from me
It's not all my fault
You forgot that you wanted me too
I always knew your love would expire
You can only love me so long until it gets too much
Whenever you got too much, my love didn't expire
I searched for you in every partner
I bet you didn't know that
It's just something about you that won't leave my mind
If it were up to me , I would get my memory erased
So I wouldn't have to remember how I ran another lover off

I wrote this about an incredibly toxic relationship I was in from 10th-11th grade and the summer before Senior year. It hurts so bad. Rereading this reminds me of how I felt before. I wrote this in 2018, and its 2020 now. I poured out my heart and it took me so much to heal from this heartbreak. If your heart has been broken, please know that it does get better. I promise you. And David, I can finally forgive you. (May 5, 2020)