i can't stay mad at you

three

Miles

Yesterday's session went a little like this...

"So how was school? Any disruptions?"

"Yes. I yelled at this girl for spilling coffee on my arm and then yelled at the same girl when she wouldn't stop tapping her damn foot." I'm angry just thinking about it.

"So how do you feel about it?"

"Pretty pissed off." Obviously.

"No. How do you feel about yelling at the girl, do you feel guilty?"

"Um no. Why would I be guilty? She pissed me off?"

"Tell me this. If  she had bumped into someone else, do you think they would have gotten mad?"

"Uh...probably not, but-"

"We have to control this Miles. Do you feel like the pills aren't working?" I'm going to pretend like she didn't just cut me off.

"It's just that-"

"Well, I think we will up your dosage." Are you fucking kidding me.

"Can you let me finish a fucking sentence?" I'm angry now. Clearly. She doesn't react. She's used to this now. I can tell she did this on purpose.

"Do you understand that if you don't begin to control yourself now, you will be like this forever?" She gives me a pointed look before continuing, "Do you even try to control the temper, or do you like  to have this attention. It's not good attention. Don't you want to be able to control the anger."

Does she think I seriously don't try? After all the conversations she has. This is why I fucking hate coming here. I know she is trying to push me to be better, but fuck man, don't act like I don't fucking try. Even at this moment, I am trying not to snap at her again.

It doesn't work, "Are you fucking joking? You know that I try." I slam my fist on the sofa. "The fuck are you talking about." Again, she doesn't react.

"If you truly are trying, apologize to this girl." Excuse me?

"For what?! She should be apologizing to me!"

"No Miles, that's not how this works. Apologize. Prove to me and yourself that you are willing to work to be better. Hold in your pride and say sorry to the innocent girl."

-----

So I apologized. It went well, I guess. She-Olivia- is an interesting character. She didn't really hold a grudge. Just kind of sat there.  I'm not able to even look her in the eyes. I will probably just get angry again. Maybe Doc is right, I don't try that hard.

Ethan and I go out for pizza after school.

"Bro, you know that new girl?" He asks. Oh lord.

"Uh yeah why?"

"She's kinda cute, ya think?" Not what I was expecting.

"I mean, I guess."

"Well I don't know I was just wondering because I might ask her out."

"You don't even know her." I dont know why this upsets me so much.

"I know but, it'll be kinda nice to talk to someone who's not from here...doesn't know all my shit yaknow?" Remember when I said he's just as fucked up as me?

"I mean I guess." This is weird. Why does this make my skin itch?

"Yeah I don't know...just something I been thinking about. I've only talked to her a couple times." He shrugs.

"Wait, you've talked to her?"

"Yeah, I have 6th period with her. She seems chill." He doesn't look me in the eye. But then again he never does.

"Maybe don't tell her we're friends. I've kind of had several altercations with her..." I trail off.

"Bro no....whyyyy?"

"Just some dumb stuff. Just me." He gets the hint. Ethan is the only one from Barrington who sorta knows what's up with me.

"Well, anyways, how do you think I should go about this? Just straight up ask her to a movie or get to know her more?"

I scratched my chin. "Honestly just ask her out, but not to a movie, because you can't talk. That's a horrible first date."

At that moment the waiter comes to take our orders. "Hey guys my name is Alex and I'll  be your server today. What can I get you guys?" He's shorter than me and kinda nerdy looking and I think I've seen him around school before. He talks but his eyes stay on Ethan. Weird.

"Uh can we get a large cheese and chicken tenders and fries. I'll take an iced tea and he'll have a coke." Ethan always orders for us because of the many altercations I've had with waiters in the past.

"I'm sorry, no coke, but we got Pepsi."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I mutter. I don't care what anyone says, there's a difference between Coke and Pepsi. One taste like shit and the other doesn't.

Ethan interrupts, "He'll just have iced water then. Thanks." The Alex guy grabs the menus and walks away.

Ethan gives me a look. "What?"

"You freaked out on the poor kid."

"And?" Ethan almost never comments on my outbreaks especially ones as minor as that had been. This is nothing compared to what has happened in public.

"Nothing I just feel bad, he seemed sweet." He picks at his fingers.

"Sweet? Uh, I guess." Rolling my eyes I look down at my cracked phone. He is so weird sometimes.

I look up when I hear the bell signaling someone just walked in. To no ones surprise the aforementioned Olivia walks in along with another girl who I can automatically tell is her sister

Ethan notices as well and does something I of course do not approve of. "Hey Olivia!" She turns her head to face us and begins to walk over, while her sister walks to the counter. "So much for her not knowing we're friends." I say, sighing.

"Hey Ethan.....Miles." She smiles politely towards Ethan, who happily replies while I stay quiet. "I didn't know you guys were friends." She states clearly trying to avoid silence.

"Does it matter?" I ask.

"Well, no I guess it doesn't." She stutters out.

"I'm sorry about him," Ethan tries to intervene.

"No it's really fine. I'm pretty used to it by now." I roll my eyes. This conversation is so pointless. She continues to stare at me as if she expects me to say something. Her hair is curly, way curlier than mine, yet it seems tamed. It's slicked back into a low ponytail full of bouncy coils. How the hell can she manage her hair when I struggle everyday.

"Hey Liv, was just wondering if I could get your number, maybe we can hang sometime?" Ugh why did he have to do this with me here. I roll my eyes for the 30th time tonight. He even looks uncomfortable.

"Of course" She grabs his phone and dials her number while her sister begins to walk over with two large pizzas.

"Okay Liv, I got the food, without any help might I add so let's go, this shit is hot." This girl must be a couple years older than us from the looks of it.

Olivia gives her sister a look that says 'you're embarrassing me' and turns back to us. "I'll catch you guys later?" Ethan nods as she hand his phone back, and I resume the task of scrolling through my phone.

"See, she's nice right?"

"Dude, I really don't care."

"Well I just wanna make sure she's yaknow cool and stuff." He stutters.

"Why does it matter? I couldn't care less who you date, you don't need to prove anything to me." I finally look up from my phone. Geez, he is so weird sometimes.