i can't stay mad at you

five

Miles
As if the day couldn't get any worse, I now have to work on a project with the very reason I am struggling to control my anger right now. I knew this was bound to happen, as Mr. Green loves to assign projects, but I've been lucky enough that they have all been independent up until now.

I don't see how this is going to work. How will we be able to accomplish this project together without me wanting to tear her head off by tomorrow? This may seem a surprise to many people, but I do try in school. Nothing is more satisfying than working hard on something and receiving the grade you deserve. And also I tend to get a little pissed when I get a bad grade, which doesn't end well for me or the teacher, so it's in my best interests to just always get my shit done and done well. If this girl is not as serious about this project as I am, I will inevitably lose my control and I can't handle that right now.

For the past two days I have not taken my meds. The thing is, I've given up. I don't have the urge to get better because who am I getting better for? I couldn't give a shit less what anyone thinks about me including my family. Dr. Simmons can fuck right off and Ethan has never had a problem with me being this way. And, I sure as hell don't have a problem with myself.

Olivia's hair is up today. One thing I can say about this girl is she has some nice hair. I would never say it out loud though. I wonder why she isn't wearing it out. Whatever. She's still annoying. She's been pretty much staring at me all class, and I haven't said anything about it even though it's annoying the shit out of me. See? I can control myself without the pills.

"So how do you wanna work on this?" She asks.

"Alone."

"Okay well that's not gonna happen so, again, how should we go about this? You wanna work on it at my place or yours...the library?"

This is infuriating. The last thing I want to do is go to the damn library so I can be stared at by all those old ladies. Me and the librarians do not have a good history. There was a time I was at the library every day, just to avoid going home right after school. I would just sit there and do homework or go on the computer. Well this one particular day, this boy kept pestering me about the book I was reading, and long story short I ended up throwing it in his face and proceeding to knock down an entire shelf of books. Not my proudest moment.

"Not the library"

"Well...maybe the park or a coffee shop?"

Way too many people. Way too much noise. Those things plus Miles do not end well.

"No."

"Okay where then?" She says, frustrated. "I doubt you'll want to come to mine, because I have a feeling you hate children. And my older sister isn't like me, she'll cuss your ass out if you catch an attitude with her."

I chuckle. I can imagine. "Wow, I've never seen you laugh before." I look back at her and immediately wipe the smile from my face.

"We will go to mine." I state. She's right, I don't like children. And the last thing I need is to get into an argument with her sister.

"Okay. When?"

"Tomorrow at 6."

"Uhhh, I can't tomorrow. I have a thing."

This girl is really pushing it. "The fuck do you mean, you have a thing, the project is due next Wednesday, we need to start." Relax Miles, relax. I take a deep breath.

"I'm going out with Ethan."

I'm pissed off as soon as the words leave her mouth. So pissed that I need to leave the classroom. The teachers really can't say anything about me storming out of class, because they rather I leave, than throw a chair across the room. Besides, I don't do it that often.

I'm so angry and I don't know why. I don't know why I let this person have such an effect on me. She was literally nonexistent a couple days ago and now I've stormed out of class twice because of her. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm serious endangering my sanity being around her. Should I ask the teacher to switch seats? I'm not an idiot, I know that being attracted to her has played its part in my constant stress. But I'm always attracted to girls, I mean duh I'm a guy, but she is really in my head. So this Ethan thing is fucking with my head even more. In the state that I'm in, it's impossible for me to be in a relationship, which I'm completely okay with because girls are fucking lunatics, but this is absolutely driving me insane.

I've successfully gotten through almost all of high school without the drama of a girlfriend, besides freshman year. I'm a senior now, and so far I haven't had to drive a female crazy because of my anger problems.

I've been thinking so much I realize I'm no longer angry. When the bell rings, I sigh and head to class.

—

When I get home, my mother is on the couch reading a magazine.

"Hey Miles, how was school?" She doesn't look up from the page.

"Fine."

"That's nice sweetie. There's dinner on the stove." Not once does she look at me. It's an ongoing thing for my mother not to make eye contact with me. I assume she is scared that by looking me in the eye, it will set me off or something. Now that I think about, a lot of people don't make eye contact with me.

"I will probably have someone over sometime this weekend to work on a project."

At this she finally looks up, "A friend? Ethan? Oh I haven't seen Ethan in months, how is he doing?"

"No it's not Ethan, mother, did I say it was Ethan?" I sigh in aggravation.

"Oh, of course dear, I'm sorry."

"Whatever. Me and this girl have a project to work on so I'm just letting you know."

"That's nice sweetie." She returns to her reading. "I can't wait to meet her."

I roll my eyes, walking towards the kitchen. It's like talking to a statue. I can't stand being in this house.

I make a plate of food and head up to my room. As I sit on my bed my eyes roll over to the bottle of pills on my night stand. I feel empty. If I have to take a pill to feel complete inside then what's the point of anything? I shovel the food into my mouth to distract myself from my thoughts. At that moment my phone dings.

this is Olivia. got your number from Ethan. I can come over sunday at 2ish? is that ok?

Ethan is going to fucking hear it from me.

Fine. I reply.

And that was that.