i can't stay mad at you

nine

Miles

Once again, it is the worst day of the week. Tuesday. I sit in bed a little longer today, too consumed with my own thoughts to bother trying to get up. I think I'll skip school today. I decide that yes I will be doing that and roll back over to sleep.

I wake up again around 11 with three text messages.

Ethan: Hey, you here today?

Olivia: you in school? I finished the project, if you wanna see.

Olivia: sorry abt yesterday...

I ignore all the messages and throw my phone on my night stand. It's strange to have Olivia apologizing to me, especially when I know I'm in the wrong.

I get up from my bed and walk over to my dresser. I look into the mirror and fidget with my hair. Maybe it is a little dry... I stare at myself for a couple minutes, picking at everything I don't like. The bags under my eyes, the almost permanent angry lines between my eyebrows, and the scars on my hands. I turn my head to my nightstand and look at my pills. I decided to take them today because I've noticed myself really falling off. My anger has not played a large part in the problem lately, moreso my sadness. I have been uncharacteristically sad the past couple days. Not really sad to the point of crying every second, but if I sit and think too much about one thing, I become a pit of self hatred.

My appointments at 4, and I kind of want to go today. This Ethan thing is really starting to bother me, and maybe Doc can help me figure it out. Usually I have no urge to go to these appointments but I actually think I want to talk today. Hopefully it doesn't end up being bullshit and a waste of my time.

I run my fingers through my hair, and decide to leave the house for the day. I pass by my mother in the hallway without a word.

"Miles!" She speaks when I get to the bottom of the stairs.

I glance back up to her, "What?"

"How come you didn't go to school?" She plays with her fingers nervously.

"Because I didn't want to?" I say in a 'duh' tone, already bored with this conversation.

"Well....you cant just skip school whenever you want to. It's important that you go." Her eyes drift from the floor then back to me.

Is she serious right now? "Are you really trying to parent me now? This is a joke right? We don't even talk and now you think you can tell me what to do all of a sudden?" I stare at her as if she's grown a second set of eyes.

"This has nothing to do with how much we talk, I'm your mother, and I'm telling you not to skip school anymore. That's final." She speaks words of dominance, but her shaky voice and wobbly stance gives her away.

"Oh really? Well frankly, I could care less what you tell me to do or the fact that now you want to be my "mother" years too late." I manage to keep my tone at a reasonable level. I don't wait for her to respond and I'm out the door. Who the fuck does she think she is? Not once has she ever tried to be a real mom to me. After all that's happened and now she wants to parent? I clench the steering wheel so tight my fingers start to shake. In fact my whole body is shaking. If there's one person who can piss me off at the drop of a dime it's my damn mother.

"FUCK!" I scream, "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" That woman infuriates me so much. Growing up, it was like she was barely there. The word "mother" was not something I was familiar with growing up. I get out of the car again and walk back towards the door ready to yell at her with every bit of energy I have. But I can't. I can't do it. I slowly step away from the door. The mailbox is the first thing I see, and with a swift kick it's off it's post. That thing has been through some of my craziest moments and I'm surprised it's been standing this long. I stomp back towards my car.

As I drove down the street, I try to calm myself down. I need to learn how to control this. If I'm going to be a working human in society I can't be knocking down any mailbox in sight.

When I get to CVS, I'm lost. Where do they keep the hair products? I walk anxiously down almost each aisle before I find the conditioners and such. I pick up almost everything with the word curl in it, trying to see what would work with my hair. Finally, I see some kind of curl lotion concoction with someone who has similar hair to me on the bottle. I purchase this and I'm out the door.

—

"So how was today? You seem a little tense." Doc says.

"Pretty good, mostly because I didn't go to school."

"And how come?"

"I don't know, I was feeling kinda down this morning."

"What do you think was making you feel down?"

"Well...a lot of things...mostly my friend Ethan." I decide I'm going to be as cooperative as possible during this session.

"Yes, you've spoke of Ethan before, is something wrong with him?"

"Yeah...I mean, I guess. I don't really know, he's been off lately and I can tell he needs to talk about it, but I'm not sure I can be there for him." I have never been this open with anyone before. I don't know why today I have the urge to spill all my emotions.

"Hm, and why do you think you can't be there for him?" She crosses her legs and writes on her clipboard.

"Well, we don't really talk about serious stuff that much, so I guess I just wouldn't know how to react if it's something bad. Or if he's moving or something, I wouldn't react well to bad news like that." I play with my fingers and try to pretend I don't hear her writing.

"Well Miles, you and Ethan have been friends for a long time and I know right now you're scared of what he might say, but I guarantee when he opens up, you're going to know exactly what to do. You've been by his side for years and nothing he can say will tear you away from him. Even if it's bad, I think it's important for him to know you're there for him." I finally look into her eyes. She has kind eyes, I can tell she really wants to help. I wish I wasn't such an asshole to her sometimes.

"You're right....I guess." I mumble.

"Anything else that's been bothering you, you seem to have a lot on your mind today?"

"I just had an argument with my mom...nothing huge."

"Oh, and what did you guys argue about?"

I shake my head, "Nothing, really, it was stupid." I feel entirely too vulnerable in this moment.

"I know you have ill will towards your mother, because of everything, but I think she's trying, don't you?"

Finally, I get some bass in my voice, "She's not trying hard enough." I stare coldly at her. "She can't be the most distant mother in the world and then expect me to respect her."

"Your anger towards her is understandable. But don't you think that forgiving her would be like shedding fifty pounds? You would feel much better if you start taking steps to forgive her."

I don't know what to say. I don't want to forgive her. I'm not ready. "I....I don't know. She's never even apologized, so how can I forgive her if she's not remorseful?"

The session goes on for not much longer and I'm out the door. My heart is heavy by the time I finally get to my car. I'm gonna make things right with Ethan, and then....then I will think about even thinking about forgiving my mother.