i can't stay mad at you

eight

Olivia

As soon as I finish spraying perfume on, I hear the doorbell chime. Hurrying down the steps, I'm able to open the door before my sister or God forbid my mother answers.

Ethan stands there, all smiles and freshly gelled hair. "You can come and sit on the couch for a second, I just have to tell my mom I'm leaving." I tell him. He nods, walking through the door and over to the couch. My brother is in the rocking chair looking at Ethan in the most unsneaky way possible. "This is my brother, Joshua, Josh this is Ethan." I quickly introduce. They exchange awkward smiles and I run to the kitchen where my mom is cooking dinner.

"I'm heading out Ma, Ethan is here." I say quickly, hoping she doesn't want to go meet him.

"Okay sweetie, I'll meet him when you come back, I have to take the roast out of the oven." She grabs the oven mitts from the side of the stove while giving me a barely there smile.

"So, you ready to go?" I interrupt an intense conversation about basketball between Josh and Ethan. When the hell did they become buddies in the two seconds I was gone?

"Yes, let's go!" He hops up from the couch and we both walk towards the door. He drives a gray Nissan Altima. The car is clean and beautiful and he stretches his hand out to open the car door for me. So far so good.

We sit in the car waiting for it to warm up. During this time I take it upon myself to try and learn a little more about Ethan.

"So um, you're a senior right?" I ask him.

He laughs, "Yeah and so are you." He speaks in a 'duh' tone.

Huh? "No, I'm a junior?" I chuckle. I wonder if Miles thinks I'm a senior as well.

"Wait, what? But you're in senior classes and you don't...look like a junior." He seems genuinely confused. At this point he begins to drive off.

"I'm just a smart girl." I smile towards him but he's watching the road. It becomes silent so I turn the radio up. It's some pop station, which isn't really my thing but I'm willing to suffer to not be in complete quiet.

"How do you like it out here?" He asks over the music.

"I love it. I love the area and the city and even the people are pretty cool. I miss my friends though." I smile and shrug, so far Massachusetts has been friendly to me.

"Yeah, I don't think I would be able to just leave everything behind. Well I guess I have to since I'll be going to college soon." He still seems so off. It's as if he's forcing himself to have a good time.

"Oh, that's right. Where are you planning to go to school?"

"Not too far, my heart is really set on NYU, but I haven't heard back from them yet. If not there I'll probably stay in Mass." I nod and we return to silence. Ethan is nice, maybe too nice, but ignoring the fact that I'm not that into him....I don't think he's that into me.

"I think you're really pretty." Ethan says from out of nowhere. He looks so nervous.

"Aw thank you Ethan, you're very handsome yourself." And I'm not lying, he's very cute.

Through the drive I notice how jittery he was. His hands tap nervously on the wheel and his leg shakes up and down. What is up with him? There's no way I'm that intimidating.

"We don't have to go on this date ya know? If you're not up for it, you can take me back home?" The last thing I need is an uncomfortable night at dinner because Ethan doesn't want to be there.

"Hey Ethan, are you okay?" My hand moves to his shoulder when I see him visibly shaking. "What's wrong, are you okay?" I repeat. He swiftly jerks the car over, my hand flies back, as well as my body, back towards my seat. We end up in the parking lot of some random CVS. He swivels to the secluded area where no cars reside. Am I about to die? He's shaking, and breathing heavily-oh my god he is literally having a panic attack.  "Ethan you have to breathe." I rub his arm, trying to soothe him, "Ethan, please breathe."

My words do no help and he begins to cry. What is happening right now. "I can't do this-I can't I can't-" His words stop from his sobs, and he rub furiously at his eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He whispers, not look at me. At this point his breathing has slowed.

"It's okay Ethan, tell me what's wrong." My heart aches for him. What could be troubling him this much?

"I just- I can't go on this date. I just can't." Well that much is clear. Tears continue to fall. "Liv, I like-I" He pauses, taking a breath, he manages to wipe the remaining tears with the swipe of his hand. "I'm gay." He eyes brim red once again.

Woah. Definitely not what I was expecting to come from this date. "Wow...um. I don't really know what to say." I'm lost for words. He stays quiet. "If I can ask, how come you asked me out tonight?"

He blankly stares at his hands that rest on his lap, "I don't know, I just, I keep thinking I need to put up a front so people don't start getting any ideas, I just thought that if-"

"That if you dated me, people wouldn't start questioning." I finish his sentence and he nods. "But, Ethan, I really don't think anyone would care."

He shakes his head immediately, "You don't know that though, and what if Miles- I don't know, what if this upsets him."

"I think....I don't know Miles very well, but I think he won't care at all. I think that he's your best friend, and he will love you no matter what."

For the first time, Ethan smiles at me, "Thanks Liv. Thanks for being so cool about this." I smile back at him, grabbing his hand and squeezing tight. "Ya know sometimes I feel like he already knows. It's just, I don't know."

"I mean it's possible." And we just sit there. We sit and talk. Talking about this and that and everything and nothing. We laugh, and laugh for hours at that. I learn more about him and in return I tell him a little about my life.

In the end, I don't think the night could've gone more perfect.

——

It's Monday now. Me and Ethan have been texting all weekend after our talk and now in school, we are the greatest of friends. I tell him about my half argument with Miles and he tells me not to get too upset because that's just how Miles is. I badly want to ask him what is really wrong with Miles and why he is this way. I restrain from doing so though.

When I get home, later that day, my older brother James is sitting on the couch watching the science channel.

"Hello sister." He looks at me, then back to his show.

"What the hell, 'hello sister'? That's all I get? Come give me a damn hug." I angrily stare at him. This boy been away at college for months and I can't even get a damn hug.

He unwillingly gets up and crosses over to me. I hug him tight because I know it bugs him. "Ugh okay Liv, we are done here." He disconnects himself from me, and sits back down.

"Why are you home?" I ask walking towards the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water. I come back and sit in the rocking chair across from him, he continues to ignore me as he watches a lion tackle a gazelle on tv. "Hello, brother? Why are you home?"

"I don't know, Mom wanted me to come home, said it was important." He shrugs. Hm that's strange.

I get up and head towards my room. It's clear not much conversation will be happening here.

I can't help but think about Miles. For a short moment we had a good conversation today. All I want is to keep having these moments with him, to keep getting to know him. Why must he make things so difficult. I spend the rest of my night on the phone with my best friend from home. We gossip and laugh and it just feels good to have a real conversation.