Irhaboggle Pride (2018) 30 Days, 30 Stories

Storm

Storm stared out her bedroom window. The sky was an eerie, dismal gray and there was something heavy in the air. She didn't have to be a meteorologist to know that a storm was coming. There was just something about the way everything looked, felt and smelled right before a storm. No matter how quickly or quietly the clouds crept in, there was always something in the air that gave it away. Something so unnamable yet so undeniable. And it was just like the storm raging on inside of her.

The only difference was that the fallout of her internal storm would go unnoticed. Even if the thunder and lightning were deafening and blinding within the mind of the person suffering through the storm, because no visible fallout was ever left behind, those were the storms that were ignored and disbelieved the most often. And ironically, sometimes, they were also the most destructive and tumultuous in the long run.

CRASH! The first roll of thunder echoed across the sky, loud and sudden, but Storm didn't even flinch. Although the thunder had been impossible to see coming, Storm had still known it was going to happen either way. Never if, only when. And after that initial rumble, many more followed suit. Lightning and rain accompanied it, all three of them increasing in frequency and intensity as time carried on.

Storm continued to stare unseeingly out the window. It really was just like what was going on inside. First, a clear sky. Not a worry in the world. And then, the first signs and shades of gray. The contention on the legality and morality of gay marriage. The sky got darker and grayer as the battle got more ferocious and intense. Morals, science, philosophy, history, religion, politics and society clashed, brewing up a perfect storm. The air began to charge, Storm could smell trouble coming. She could feel the heavy, intense humidity as the atmosphere continued to crackle with tension.

Then finally, with the gray almost black, the first roll of thunder echoed across the sky and shook the earth. Every side began to hurl insults and accusations. Everyone had a reason behind their stance, and they butted heads, like thunder and lightning. The rain of confusion, panic, fear and despair quickly filled the spaces between the thunder and lightning.

As her community continued to clash over the verdict, Storm was swept up in the turbulence. It was not a battle she'd even foreseen herself fighting, but as a lesbian, she was going to be dragged into it one way or another. She began to research every aspect of the case, trying to understand why there was such debate surrounding something that seemed so obvious and simple. Ever place she checked sited historical and religious grounds, condemning gay marriage purely for those two reasons.

"But it's all nonsense, isn't it?!" Storm asked her screen as she scrolled through page after page of anti-gay rhetoric. But the deeper down the rabbit hole she fell, the digger the grave she dug herself. Even though she'd considered their claims ludicrous in the beginning, time began wearing down on her the way wind and rain wore down on people caught in a storm. The words circled around her head and, without her consent, she found a tiny part of her subconscious beginning to believe it.

Drops of rain, drops of doubt, came faster and harder until it felt like a torrent, illuminated by lightning and echoed by thunder. Soon, she was blinded by rain, frantic and tearful as she continued to be tossed back and forth between the two mighty winds. Was it right or was it wrong? Who did she believe? When either side was backed by conviction and testimony, was there a way to ascertain the truth? The correct side?

It was raining, it was pouring, it was absolutely storming. The wind was howling and creating a stir. At the same time, Storm wondered about her immortal soul. She wasn't even sure she believed in souls, but if they were real, was hers in danger? Was it something she should try to fix? Because one of the strongest cases on the opposing side was that even if homosexuality itself was not an issue, the unrepentant nature of the people who identified with such a label certainly was.

Hmmm, perhaps a celibate life would be enough to satisfy whatever angry deity that existed? She could deny herself that lifestyle, surely! It would be easy, since she already wasn't very good with people. Besides, if that was the price she had to pay to avoid eternal suffering, that was a very small price indeed... Right?

But Hell was promised to be a place of weeping and gnashing of teeth. Wasn't that what Storm was doing already? God's salvation clearly wasn't working. If it were, she wouldn't have felt this way. She would've felt his peace and courage flowing through her. But at the moment, she felt anything but. It was rather backward, given all that Storm was learning about...

The rain continued to pour and Storm continued to research. She rationalized with herself, trying to find the side that seemed the most logical and correct. Unfortunately, it seemed that the side most detrimental to her health was also the one that was the most persuasive. The guilt and shame added themselves to the storm and a vicious cycle was born. It felt like the harder Storm tried to fix herself, the more broken she became.

Anger and resentment were next, like blazing bolts of lightning. She was angry at the world for putting her in such a miserable position, but what could she do except scream with the thunder and cry with the rain? Why was there no obvious answer? Why did every choice end in pain?

As the tempest outside lashed at her window, the tempest within lashed at her heart and mind and soul. Sleeping too much and eating too little, but Storm had no idea how to fix that problem either. She was full of queasiness and despair. Nothing brought her any pleasure anymore. Just guilt. She shouldn't waste time on idle pleasures anyway. Her quest for the truth had taken complete control of her life, an all-consuming obsession that blinded her as much as the gale outside did. There was so much tragedy on all sides...

But then, after long enough, Storm gave out. It drained her until she had nothing left to give. The lightning stopped. The thundered quieted into silence. The rain softened into mist. Then the dark gray grew paler and paler as the clouds began to dissipate, spent of all their energy. But the thing about being at rock bottom, well, there was only one way to go after that: up.

Without even meaning to, Storm's internal storm dissipated. With nothing left to feed on, the fear went away. With no more emotions or tears left to cry, Storm was finally able to calm down long enough to find her balance again. She was finally able to see clearly. Even guilt turned into acceptance. She was a lesbian and that was that. If God wanted her to be straight, he could fix her himself. Otherwise, she didn't care anymore.

The sky was still overcast, a uniformed gray that seemed endless, but the chaos was over. The ground was still soaked, and Storm wondered if anything was knocked over during the tempest, but it was quiet again. There was neither sun nor rainbow, but the lightning and rain were gone. Now that she was totally empty, she was a clean slate. A fresh start. A rebirth? She looked out at the endless gray.

"The storm is over, but the recovery has only just begun..."

Rain came pouring down, when I was drowning that's when I could finally breathe. And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean... -Taylor Swift

AN: Sorry if this is redundant, but I do think it does a good job of capturing the same struggle at a different angle. Likewise, this chapter does technically have a hopeful ending, if nothing else. I hope the storm metaphor helped give it a guiding framework. I always cut it into 3 stages: fear, despair and anger. Then the fourth is where this story left off...