Irhaboggle Pride (2018) 30 Days, 30 Stories

Acting Classes

"Girl, we gotta get you some actin' classes or somethin', 'cause this thang just ain't workin' out right!" Mushu chastised his human friend. It was sheer luck alone that none of the other soldiers in General Shang's army had discovered that she was a woman yet. Already, Mulan had nearly given herself away twice with her "stupid girly habits!" and it wasn't even noon!

"I know, Mushu, and I'm trying! But what do you want me to do?" Mulan whispered desperately to the little red dragon hiding in her armor.

"I don't know, but we gotta do something fast because this just ain't working out right!" Mushu repeated, scratching his chin, lost in thought.

Mulan sighed heavily. As obnoxious as she found Mushu and his criticisms, she couldn't deny that he was right. They really did need to come up with something before Mulan's cover was blown. Mulan had only been here for a couple weeks and, already, she'd nearly been caught about 17 times (plus two by the general himself)! And, to top it off, Mulan was certain that some of the more intelligent soldiers were finally starting to catch onto her. There had to be at least a few guys in this large company that realized that Ping wasn't all he seemed to be.

"Ok, that's it! Starting tonight, I'm gonna be your new acting coach!" Mushu decided.

"You?" Mulan nearly snorted. What did this noodle of a dragon know about acting classes?

"That's right!" Mushu missed Mulan's sarcasm in a fit of grandiose. "Tonight, as soon as all the other soldiers are in bed, you and me are gonna go out to the far corner of the camp and I'm gonna teach you how to be a man! And we gonna drill harder than you ever thought possible. I'm gonna be giving you tests and exams like you don't even know! Why, it'll be enough to put old General I'm-A-Big-Strong-Scary-Tough-Guy to shame!"

"I, uhhh, don't think that's such a good idea," Mulan murmured as Mushu gushed. "What if we get caught out of bed?"

"Well do you wanna get caught for being a girly-girl instead? Because that's where your headed now!" Mushu reminded Mulan.

"Point taken," Mulan winced. Sadly, the acting classes didn't go nearly as well as Mulan had hoped. Sure, the things Mushu taught Mulan were easy enough. They were all things like speaking low, walking with a heavy tread, being loud, rude and obnoxious, never apologizing and always bellowing, laughing as long and loud as possible at stupid or dirty jokes, eating and smelling like a fat pig, spending every single second trying to be tough, waving a sword around like an idiot, talking about pretty girls and drooling over the thought of them, etc. It was all standard stuff, but for some reason, it just didn't seem to be working out.

"They also don't wipe up their bodily fluids!" Mushu told Mulan as she strutted around, waving her sword high in the air like a flag. "Oh, man, you gotta get all up in there in that stuff! Ain't no proper cleaning and pedicures for you no more!" Mushu cackled.

"Gross," Mulan was cringing hard, but she continued to try and do everything exactly as Mushu had said. She stomped when she walked, she swung her arms and puffed out her chest, she kept her eyes focused and narrowed, she kept a cocky kind of smirk on at all times, etc. And when she practiced speaking, she brought her voice down and made sure to be gruff and concise. She barked greetings and farewells and made sure she always sounded confident, even when she wasn't. For a moment, she thought she was doing really well...

"Oooh, you know what? Maybe we need to start having daytime acting classes too," Mushu muttered as he watched Mulan strut.

"What?" Mulan's voice accidently returned to its normal, higher octave when she heard this.

"I mean, you just kinda...uhhh..." Mushu scratched the back of his neck, cringing horribly as he tried to break it to Mulan that she made the world's worst man. He finally turned to Mulan's other, smaller, nonhuman companion: Cri-Kee. "Cri-Kee, my man, do you know how to explain this?"

"Uh-uh," Cri-Kee squeaked back. He had been watching Mulan for the past hour, practicing her 'manly routines' and he had to say, for once, he actually agreed with Mushu. Mulan just wasn't cut out for being a man. Unlike Mushu, however, Cri-Kee felt a deep sympathy for Mulan.

Where Mushu seemed bent on whipping Mulan into shape, Cri-Kee just wished that the girl could've been allowed to be herself. Why was it that a man was the only one allowed to serve? From what Cri-Kee had seen, none of the men were much better than Mulan, so why was it such a scandal if there was a woman in the army? Why couldn't Mulan be allowed to be feminine and like girly things while also serving in the military? Maybe he just had a tiny brain, being a cricket and all, but Cri-Kee didn't understand why these acting classes should have to happen at all.

"Oh, come on, Mushu!" Mulan sighed in exasperation, finally sitting down. "We've been at this for an hour and made no progress!"

"Oh, don't say that!" Mushu tried to encourage, but the moment Mulan met his eyes, he agreed. "Ok, yeah, never mind, you right, you still ain't no good at any of this stuff," he said. Mulan gave another heavy, hopeless sigh.

"I just wish I didn't have to do all this!" she confessed. She threw her sword down. "I mean, I understand why, but really! Why do I have to be so... mannish? Why can't I just be me? Why can't I just be a girl?"

"Because ain't no self-respecting army gonna have no woman in its ranks!" Mushu snorted. "It would be a dishonor on all of China! It would be a dishonor on the general, a dishonor on the emperor, a dishonor on the other soldiers, and a dishonor on all their cows!" he cried. Mulan glared at him, but once again, she knew he was right. She buried her head in her hands.

"This is hopeless!" she despaired. "Nothing I've done feels right! Acting like a man just doesn't feel natural to me. I mean, it's weird enough having to go by a different name and pronouns, but this? To have to actually play a part I wasn't born to be in?" she stopped to shake her head. "I don't know what to do," she said. "Do we have any other ideas?" she turned to Mushu and Cri-Kee, but neither of them had a clue.

It was then that Mushu called an early end to the acting classes.

"Night isn't a very good time for acting classes anyway," he said, trying to soothe his ego. Cri-Kee made a noise of distaste. "Oh, whatchu sayin' about my acting and teaching skills?" the dragon snapped. Cri-Kee chirped again and Mushu gasped, deeply offended. "Oh, no you didn't!"

Mulan, who had to carry these two clowns back to their tent, only sighed. Although the acting classes had been a total failure, there was still a part of her that desperately wanted to be here. She didn't just want to be in the army to protect her father anymore. She wanted to be here just because she wanted to be here. She wanted to fight and help out! She wanted to help save her country! But if being a soldier was her dream now, she was going to have to start acting like one, classes or not.

At last, the awkward little trio was nestled up in bed. Mulan stayed awake for a bit longer, thinking on all that Mushu had taught her. Even if all of it was 100% wrong (seriously, how would a little red dragon that used to be a stone statue in her family temple know anything about being a man?), he still had a valid point that she had to keep trying, so she would. With new determination, Mulan rolled over and shut her eyes. She would always be a woman at heart, but a woman was strong and determined. She would use that girl power to pull through, as paradoxical as that sounded. She would survive her time in the army and she would be a man!

AN: I know Mulan is usually seen as a metaphor for being a transman, but I actually like to think it's the reverse since Mulan wants to be a woman, but has to pretend to be a guy, which sounds exactly like a closeted transwoman. Either way, hope this was entertaining, LOL!