When I was fifteen I made a choice
One that I have come to regret
It all started when my boyfriend, seb, asked me if I'd like to go to a party with him
I said yes, knowing I'd made my bed
See I was young, he was seventeen
I always felt like a different person with him
More mature, like I knew what I was doing
Which is why I went out on a limb
This isn't about seb
Well it is but it isn't
It all started with the choice
One seb presented me with
The party was a lot of fun
We were leaving, seb went to grab my coat
I was quite wasted and out of it
So when a guy put his arm around my waste, I never thought to say "don't"
I thought it was seb
He led me to a room
This wasn't a nice room
It was a bathroom
I saw this guy and realized he wasn't my boyfriend
But he wouldn't stop
I couldn't say a word
As I felt my underwear drop
It all happened so fast
I guess I passed out because I woke up about thirty minutes later
The guy was gone, and my dress was still on
My underwear on the floor
I knew I had to find seb, that he'd be worried
I knew I had to pretend like I was fine
Then pretending became my life
It was easy, no one noticed
Once I found seb, he whispered in my ear,
"It's time."
I knew what he was talking about but I wasn't ready
I didn't tell him that though
The deal was that if one of us was ready, the other had to follow through
It was my idea after all
I don't know what had changed though
Even after what I had went through, I wasn't ready
So we drove to our spot
We sat on the hood of his shitty car he'd fixed with his uncle
He took my hand and lifted me off his car
We looked out over the cliff
I looked at his face, trying to sense his emotions
Trying to portray the look on his face
He was calm, happy
Why did he want this for us, why now
That's when he jumped
I let go of his hand before I went with him
That was a mistake because he died that night
And here I am, still alive
I knew I could've stopped it
I knew I could've told him what happened at the party
I knew he was the love of my life
If anyone could have helped it was him
But I kept quiet because it happened
And he died
I've come close to having sex
But I get flashes, of the party, of seb
I'll never get over this
I was raped and my boyfriend committed suicide the same night.
