Hamza and Amy's Romantic Journey

Chapter 11

Hamza Dawud

When we were told we can go, I stormed out of the hospital, my heart beating fast. I couldn't look Amy in the eye. I could hear her running after me, calling my name.

Guilt overcame me as I thought about how we discussed whether or not something was wrong with Amy all this time. We barely discussed whether the issue was with me.

The issue was with me.

I couldn't have children. I could never be a father.

Worse than never being a father, I'd never make Amy a mother. The thought brought even more guilt which almost made me sick.

I got to our car and sat in the driving seat, slamming the door. Amy finally caught up, but she didn't sit in the passenger's seat. Instead, she opened the door and stood next to me, holding my shoulder.

"It'll be okay," she assured.

"Just get in the car and let's go home." I responded.

"Look, maybe I should drive." Amy was right. I wasn't in the right state to drive. I got out of the car and moved to the passenger's seat. Amy got into the driver's seat and started up the car.

"Are you relieved?" I asked Amy.

"Erm..." I realised this was a difficult question. If she said she was relieved it wasn't her who was infertile, she'd sound insensitive towards me. If she wasn't relieved, then she'd sound like she wasn't happy with me.

"I'm just worried about the way you're acting. I want you to know that half the reason I wanted children was only because I thought that's what you wanted. That's why I felt so much pressure. But I'm happy as we are, and we have Kaiser to fight for." The thought of Kaiser angered me. I loved that little kid, but I knew his parents would take him away. I would still fight as hard as I could but the chances of being allowed to keep him were close to none.

"At least I can admit it now, that I really do want children of our own. I've been dreaming of it for so long. But now I can't."

"So if it was me-"

"It isn't though."

"But if it was-"

"But it isn't though! It's me, something's wrong with me. All these years, it's been my fault we can't have kids and you've been worrying there was something wrong with you!"

"The doctor did say we may still have a chance. It's just that our chances are low."

"No, he said we can keep trying and something might happen but it's unlikely we would be able to naturally conceive."

"We still have Kaiser..."

"You do realise we'd get into trouble if his parents want him back but we refuse to give him. They could accuse us of kidnapping. In fact, I'm surprised they haven't reported us already," I said, verbalising what had been going through our minds.

"Whatever Allah wills to happen, will happen. We'll just have to make peace with His plan."

We stayed quiet after that. We went home, without stopping to pick up Kaiser. I guess we both needed some space to talk about it, and not in a moving vehicle in the narrow winding roads of London.

Once we were indoors, I was about to take a seat in the living room when suddenly Amy hugged me. Instead of sitting, I stayed standing and held her, digging my face into her shoulder. I felt a lump in my throat and my eyes started getting watery.