Breaking Boundaries

Chapter 44 - "Dead Inside."

*TRIGGER WARNING.*
THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS PARTS THAT SOME READERS MAY FIND UPSETTING.

It's still dark, dark and silent.
She's not here.
I suddenly hear the bathroom tap.
She's just gone to the bathroom...
That calms my nerves at least.

I hope she's ok...
I'll wait for her to come back, just to make sure...

It's just that ...I'm not her anymore... I can't see Rylee, I see a stranger. Someone that's tired. Tired and broken.
Is this how Logan felt?
Is this how he felt just before he did what he did?
I can't imagine him so vulnerable, broken and alone.
I should have been there for him, he should be here for me...
That's how we work, that's always how we work.
Me and him since day one - I was never upset and neither was he because well, we had each other.
That's what you do when you have a soul mate, you fuel each other.
So when we're apart? There's nothing. Nothing at all.
Just that shell.
I'm back in the bathroom, I wanted a deeper look. I wanted to see her, understand how she got here?
I want to understand why the fuck I'm so broken, it was only tonight I realised that I have been for a while. I can't remember when or what triggered it. Maybe it was Bobby?
Maybe it was the day I thought Logan broke everything we had? Or the time I fell in love with my Mom's fiance? Or the time I was in love with three guys, three beautiful guys each with a dark secret that they've been trying to cover up for so long.
And the only one I couldn't make confide in me?
Was the most important one.
My Logey.

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel dead inside?
Not when your boyfriend's broken up with you, or when you lost your wallet or your job.
The kind of feeling when you literally have nothing or no one anymore?
Nothing matters, nothing.
You could be lit on fire and you're pretty sure the burns would help heal you slightly instead of hurting you.
Because you can't fucking hurt anymore than you already are?!
How much more are you meant to take? Is this a fucking challenge? Is someone testing me? Why me?
Why can't I just catch a break?

Because I don't matter.

I break everything I touch.
I'm dead behind the eyes and no one sees that. Hell, even I didn't notice until right now.
The warmth helps though, the trickling feeling.
I don't feel the pain.
I don't even know how I got here, I just know that this is the only way.
I have nothing or no one to help me, only I can help myself and this is the way I choose it.
I want everything to go away. Everything.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I don't want to be her anymore.
Because I'm not just a little broken, I'm dead inside.

She's been in there way too long now, I'm standing outside of the bathroom door listening... I don't hear anything. I expected cries since she hasn't cried at all tonight but no, nothing but silence.

I smooth my hand over the handle slightly and push a little to check if it's locked or not - it's not.
I don't know what's making me want to walk in she could just be on the toilet, right?
Wrong.
Something inside of me knows that's not true, thinking back to a few hours ago when she kissed me on my nose.
Something wasn't right.
That wasn't her.

Broken.
She is, she's fucking broken. How did I let this happen?

"Lee, what the fuck?????"