Breaking Boundaries

Chapter 51 - "Final Destination"

"Say something? Anything? Please?" it feels like forever since I said it, and well, nothing. Not one word. I can't read him whatsoever, I feel like suddenly, I'm losing all hope I had of us. He doesn't want it. I lost him? Oh my god. I went too far, I lost him. I left him waiting too long, for what? For nothing. These past few months have been nothing but misery.
"Can you tell me that you're 100% done with him?" he suddenly says with absolute seriousness. By him I presume he means Hunter. Can I? Can I actually say that? I'm done and I'll never let anything happen between us again? No. I can't say that but I can try my god damn hardest for him, for us. Gino and Hunter are both in need of someone to fix them, as am I. We all are though aren't we? Dreaming upon that one person that can come and take away every bit of pain and put back together all of your broken pieces. Well, that doesn't happen. That does not fucking exist. This is real life, being with someone that doesn't even try and take away that pain, and loves you with all broken pieces an all. It's about being able to be with someone and be broken, yet feel like it's OK. It's OK to be this way, because I'm happy now. You know? I can't fix Gino or Hunter and they certainly cannot fix me. That's what's so special here, with him. He doesn't try to do anything, it comes naturally. He and I, eurgh. Its sickening at how much we both get each other. We are meant to be. Cliché, yes. Real. Yes. "Lee?" he shouts. He's angry, and I get it. I understand fully. I fucked up, if I never ran away in the first place and just heard him out none of this would have happened. But fuck, I don't regret Hunter or Gino. I don't believe in regrets because at that exact time, it's what I wanted. I could never regret something that makes me so fucking happy even if bad times came with those happy times too.
"No.." I whisper. He laughs, not a joking laugh nor that cute laugh that I love. He laughs with pure hate, sarcasm, anger. "You fucking want me but you don't know if you're done with him? Lee, this isn't going to help my current mindset if you're not 100% sure then we can't be together. We can't do it, I need to get stronger, you make me weak. You take me to my lowest and I know its not your fault but right now babe, it is." He's so right isn't he?

Fuck. I did that to him, is that what he's saying? I made him so weak that he tried to kill himself? I'm toxic as fuck for him, I'm slowly ruining him. I've now just made it all worse, I should've left him alone. I shouldn't have came here...

I don't say a word because I know he's right, I know he is. I nod and turn on my heel to leave. I hear him curse under his breath before grabbing my arm "Lee?" I turn to face him, he looks guilty, why the fuck does he look guilty like he regrets what he said because it made me feel bad? "Logan, you're right. I'm sorry I shouldn't have came." he immediately interrupts me. "You know I love you, Lee, right? Fuck!! I could never not want you, No one could or would ever compare to you but you know deep down you want me because I'm what you know, what you're comfortable with and that's not ever going to be enough. At some point, whether it's once a month, every day or once every five years you will think about him, what could have been between the two of you. And I can't fucking stand the thought of that! I'm sorry I can't I want you, ALL OF YOU! I don't want you if parts of you are elsewhere."

With single tears trickling down my cheeks, I nod and smile, a broken smile but a smile nevertheless."I'll always love you, Logey." he smiles back, and it's weak. So fucking weak yet full of emotions. He places his hand on my cheek, strokes me and then moves towards my hair to remove it out of my face. "You look like shit, Lee. Have you been sleeping?" I laugh, he laughs. I got it back, that cute fucking laugh that sends my insides wild. "What happens now?" I whisper. He takes a deep intake of breathe, clearly preparing for whatever he's about to say.
"I'm no longer in this equation babe, so your decision is a little easier. I'll always be here for you, I promise. I want us to be friends, best fucking friends and if one day you know for sure you won't ever want anyone else but me? Come to me, don't think twice Lee. Come to me and fucking be with me. If you don't that's OK too, you still have me in your life. But right now? I need to work on myself. And you? You babe, you need to go and think about what you want most. Even if it means you have to be alone, don't let anyone influence your decision. Happiness is more important than anything."