The Cost of Freedom Is High

This Is Too Dark To Keep Hidden

About 2 hours later my eyes had run dry, but the pain was still there.

I had gone back upstairs, and changed the sheets, throwing the bloody ones away so that no one would have any idea as to what happened.

When Kuza first found me, I was just sitting on the couch, staring at the wall.

I put it off as just nerves, and luckily I was left alone.

'You killed your baby.' My mind told me over, and over again.

"No, I didn't." I yelled.

"Didn't what?" Kuza asked me.

"Nevermind." I said.

He walked over towards me, and gently wrapped his arms around me.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" He whispered.

"Nothing." I snapped, breaking his grip around me, and walking away from him.

By the time I heard him yelling my name I was already sitting down in the corner of the room where Ryan and Ricky had punished me.

Even though Kuza's room was down here, he wouldn't come down here. There were too many other places to check first.

I curled up into a ball, and sat there in between two walls of whips and other means of pain inflicting tools.

What the fuck was I doing?

Why had I forgotten about my situation?

That's right, it had been that baby that made me lose sight of what was actually going on. Now that she, or he was gone, the blinders were off and I had a clear view on my situation once again.

What I'd do to have that baby back inside of me, living and breathing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Hours later)

"Bella?" Ricky called.

I curled up even tighter and hoped that somehow I would just disappear.

"Hey, princess what's wrong?" Ricky asked, getting down in front of me.

"Nothing, I'm fine." I said, brushing his hands off.

"Really, because Kuza said you were acting weird, and you're curled up in a ball next to the whips?" Ricky wondered.

"I'm fine." I repeated.

"Bella." Ricky started.

"Ricky, I'm fine, please just believe me." I told him, standing up.

"Hey, we may have been gone for a while but don't forget the rules. You've never called us by our first names, don't start now." Ricky chastised me.

"Sorry, sir." I muttered, internally not caring.

I didn't give a shit about anything now.

"Let's go." Ricky instructed, bringing me back up the the main level where I found a few others there as well.

Danny, Ghost, Robert, Craig, Sam, and Balz were all in the living room.

"What the hell are you doing, Bella?" Danny asked, embracing me in a tight hug.

I gently pushed out of his embrace and said "I don't feel okay, I'm going to go and sleep it off."

I heard a scoff of amazement, and I walked my way back up to MIW's room. I didn't really want to go to their room, but if they were mad they'd be a little bit less mad that I was in one of their rooms.

I laid down in Chris' bed and closed my eyes.

I knew there would be a big meeting or talk later, that was inevitable.

No matter what happens I was going to stay as strong as possible, I could not let them know what had happened.

It would keep me safe for longer.

Unfortunately I knew these guys, they had ways to make me speak up, or do things that I never thought I would. As I laid my head down on the pillow I prayed that I could keep this quiet.

My eyes opened up hours later to pitch black.

Great it was night time, at least I wasted some time.

I weighed the options about going downstairs or staying up here. Going down won, just based on the fact that again I hoped it would ease some tensions that I may have started with my sudden exit.

Everyone from all three of the bands, crew included, were seated around the large kitchen table, all eyes on me once I arrived in the room.

"Hey, you missed dinner." Chris told me.

"Sorry, sir." I muttered.

Tyler patted his lap, and I reluctantly sat down, and of course with my luck I was right across from TJ.

"Want to talk about what's wrong?" Danny wondered.

"Nothing's wrong, sir." I replied.

"Bella, we've learned to know you, right now you're fucking terrified. We know you were alone last night. Did anything happen?" Chris wondered.

"No, just please leave it alone, nothing happened." I said, this time my voice a bit more aggressive.

"You were downstairs, did you do something to get punished?" Ricky inquired.

"No! You don't give a shit about me, so please stop acting like you do." I yelled.

"You know that's not true Bella." Craig told me.

"Bull fucking shit!" I screamed.

"Knock it off or you're going to get punished, and we can do it with the baby still being safe." Danny yelled right back.

I chuckled.

"You don't have to worry about that." I said.

"Explain." TJ demanded.

Well, here goes the whole keep it under wraps plan.

"Here's a fucked up story for you. Yesterday was the first day that I wanted to actually keep the baby. I realized it was selfish of me to wish it dead. Then as always I get shit on and my baby fucking died." I admitted.


Silence.

Pure fucking silence.

"Wait, what did you just say?" Cameron asked.

"My baby, it died last night. I miscarried it." I restated.

"Bella we are so, so sorry." Tyler apologized, running his hands up and down my arms, as if he was trying to comfort me.

"No you're not." I replied.

Everyone seemed to quiet down, and as a few minutes stretched out people started to leave to go up to their rooms.

Finally I was still down there with Tyler, Ricky, and Cameron.

"Who do you want to sleep with?" Tyler asked.

"I'm not tired, or in the mood for sleep. Can I please just stay down here?" I pleaded.

"What are you going to do down here?" Ricky wondered.

"I just need to clear my mind." I answered.

"Okay, I respect that. We'll see you in the morning." Cameron told me.

They all got up, and went upstairs.

I said goodnight back to all of them, and didn't mean it once. They could die in their sleep for all I care.

Sitting back down on the chair, I kind of felt empty.

After an hour or two an idea popped up into my head, and I ran on the chance to do it.

My baby's death was going to kill me, I couldn't say or express how I felt verbally.

However, I think I could get some things out on paper.

Running and rummaging through countless drawers I finally stumbled across a notebook and pencil.

I sat down, and with a shaking hand I started my letter.

Dear Baby,