The Cost of Freedom Is High

This Will Be My Undoing

"I changed my mind." I said, sneaking up behind Kuza and wrapping my arms around his neck, as he was sitting on the couch.

"About what exactly?" Kuza asked me.

"My baby, I want to keep her." I told him.

Kuza reached up, behind himself, grabbed a hold of my arms, and carefully brought me up and over the couch so that I was on his lap.

"Who told you you'd change your mind?" Kuza questioned me with a smile on his face.

"TJ?" I challenged him.

"Real cute. Can I know why?" Kuza wondered.

"When Denis brought up the picture of the baby it was kind of like everything around me stopped. It was one thing to not want it when I hadn't seen it. But once I saw it living and breathing, and heard it as well I realized I didn't have a good excuse to end the pregnancy. I couldn't do that to my baby." I answered him.

"The other will be ecstatic to know that tomorrow." Kuza said.

"Wait they're coming home tomorrow?" I exclaimed.

"Yeah, did you not listen?" Kuza chuckled, knowing that I probably hadn't.

Denis interrupted us and I realized he was already dressed up to leave.

"Leaving already?" I asked.

"Yeah, I've got a band to play in sweetie." Denis told me.

"Thank you so much." I thanked him.

"No problem, and Kuza if you or the others need help with the ultrasound at later times just call me and I can walk one of you through it." Denis replied.

Kuza and I waved goodbye, and just as fast as he had arrived, he left.

"Come on, they're all coming back so we've got a few things to do." Kuza instructed me.

"Can I make a welcome home sign? I was personally thinking something along the lines of 'Welcome Home Fuckers." I wondered.

"Funny, but no. I'll go work on a few things outside, and then I'll have you get the fridges, and cupboards stocked, vacuum, and make lunch." Kuza stated.

"Sounds like a plan. When do you want to meet back here and eat?" I asked.

"1:00." Kuza said.

"Perfect, see you at 1:00." I told him, and watched him do the unlocking ritual for the door, and then the re locking from the outside. It was a bit excessive, but oh well.

Downstairs there was a giant walk-in fridge and freezer that was used to store months worth of food. Just so that they didn't have to leave to go to a grocery store every week.

I got down stairs, filled one of the large baskets, and brought it all upstairs.

I set everything down, and started to separate it all out.

I twisted around, and as I did a cramp ripped through my abdomen.

"Fuck." I gasped.

Both of my hands shot out and gently held onto my stomach, within a minute the pain was gone.

I figured it was just another pain of pregnancy, and let it slide past my mind.

About 3 hours later I had finally completed stocking up all of the fridges and freezers, as well as vacuuming every floor in this place.

I was sweating like crazy, and the cramps would come and go occasionally but they lasted for seconds at a time. I thought nothing of it at all.

The next thing for me was to make something for Kuza and I to eat, everything though looked unappetizing to me.

I grabbed the walkie talkie off of its charger and called Kuza.

'Hey, what's up?" He answered.

"What do you want to eat?" I asked him.

"Anything's fine with me." He replied.

"Thanks, that really narrowed it down." I grumbled.

"Sorry, I'll see you in an hour." Kuza said, then I hung up the walkie talkie.

I grabbed the first thing I saw, and ended up making that.

This feeling of exhaustion, and tightness came over my body, and as Kuza walked in I was closing my eyes to sleep for a bit.

"Bella, are you okay?" Kuza wondered, walking up behind me.

"Yeah, I just kind of feel a bit off." I admitted.

"Just sleep for a bit, and try to feel better." Kuza instructed, laying a blanket over me.

"I will, thanks." I whispered, and with that I quickly fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Bells, come on you have to get up and go to your bed." Kuza said.

I woke up, opening my eyes and felt much better.

I caught Kuza off guard and pulled his arms down towards me so that his whole body moved closer to mine.

"Kuza." I cooed, trying to be as nice as possible.

"What do you want Bella?" Kuza wondered.

"I wuv you." I said, giving him puppy eyes.

"So?" He asked.

"I've been really good lately." I stated.

"And?"

"Can I please sleep alone tonight?" I wondered squeaking it out.

"Give me one good reason." Kuza demanded.

"The guys are coming back tomorrow and I'm not going to be able to sleep alone when they're around. It will be a nice little break for me, and I'll really be thankful." I told him.

"Bella, no." Kuza said, shaking his head no.

I jumped up, put my arms around his neck, and jumped up so that my legs were around his waist, and my face was a few inches above his and I locked my eyes into his.

"Pwetty, pwetty, pwetty pwease?" I pleaded.

He chuckled, and a bit of a smile popped onto his face.

Got'em.

"One time, and one time only." Kuza told me in a very serious tone.

"Yes, sir." I agreed.

"Oh, you fucking suck up." Kuza laughed, and set me back down on my feet.

"You love me though." I said in a sing-song voice.

"I suppose you wanted to choose what bed you were to sleep in as well." Kuza replied.

"Can I sleep on the waterbed?" I asked.

"I guess so, but if you do anything stupid or try to get away with anything, I'll have TJ come and punish you first thing when he gets here." Kuza threatened me.

"I'm just going to sleep." I promised him.

"Okay, we have to be up pretty early though, so make sure you get to bed right away." Kuza instructed.

"Will do." I replied.

"See you in the morning." Kuza called to me, as I started to make my way upstairs.

"Good night." I called back to him.

I walked into the smaller room that was in between Asking's and Of Mice and Men's bedroom, slipped on my pajamas, and crawled into bed.

"Night, night baby." I whispered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(6 hours later)

"Motherfucker." I exclaimed, getting awoke from my sleep with some of the worst stomach pains I've ever had.

I slowly and painfully crawled out of bed, and ran to the lights to turn them on, to see what was going on.

Once the lights were on, I went and looked back at the bed, and was mortified.


Blood.


There was blood all over the sheets.

"No, no, no." I cried out, but I tried to quietly do it so that Kuza didn't hear me.

The last thing I needed was for him to come and get involved.

This was not fucking happening.

I must've just cut myself on something.


Who the fuck was I kidding?

I knew exactly what had happened, I wouldn't let myself believe it until I knew for sure though.


I had to get back down to that ultrasound.

I silently opened the door, and once I was sure Kuza couldn't hear me I ran downstairs all the way back down to the room with the ultrasound.

The machine popped to life, once I got it on, and as fast as possible I put the gel on myself, laid down, and started to attempt to bring up the picture of my baby.

Finally, about 20 minutes later there was a picture that popped up on the ultrasound. Another few minutes passed by and I managed to get the picture of the area that Denis had pulled up.

One thing was missing though.

My baby.

I had fucking miscarried my baby.

I screamed, and threw the tools from the ultrasound across the room, watching them shatter just like my heart and soul had.

I fell to my knees, covering my mouth, and cried harder than I ever had in my life.

I had promised my baby that it would be okay, I promised it that I'd keep them safe.

I couldn't even do that.

I sunk further into the floor and cried my eyes out, trying to muffle my screams of pain and anguish.

What had I done to deserve this?

This pain was unlike anything I'd ever experienced.

It hurt physically, but it fucking ripped me apart shred by shred emotionally.

"No." I cried out.

I wrapped my arms tightly around my stomach, and kept crying.

It felt like it was never going to stop.

"I'm sorry baby." I cried.