Sober

856 34 8

by LG1026

by LG1026

I got no excuses
For all of these goodbyes
Call me when it's over
'Cause I'm dying inside
Wake me when the shakes are gone
And the cold sweats disappear
Call me when it's over
And myself has reappeared

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why
I do it every, every, every time
It's only when I'm lonely
Sometimes I just wanna cave and I don't wanna fight
I try and I try and I try and I try and I try
Just hold me, I'm lonely

Momma, I'm so sorry I'm not sober anymore
And daddy, please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor
To the ones who never left me, we've been down this road before
I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore

I'm sorry to my future love
For the man that left my bed
For making love the way I saved for you inside my head
And I'm sorry for the fans I lost
Who watched me fall again
I wanna be a role model, but I'm only human

I'm not sober anymore

I'm sorry that I'm here again
I promise I'll get help
It wasn't my intention
I'm sorry to myself

I laid in bed feeling miserable. How could I do this? I ruined everything. I couldn't get over it. It was six months ago. Why couldn't i get over it? Because you love her, idiot. I ran my fingers through my hair before i got up and put on some real clothes. I put jeans and a sweater on, then my red leather jacket and some riding boots. i pulled a grey beanie on over my curly blonde hair before leaving my house. it was the middle of the night but i don't care. i walked to the lake and sighed as i looked at the water, not noticing the other woman. "S-Swan.." my breathing hitched as my name tumbled from her lips and i looked over to her. i could see the tears on her cheeks thanks to the moonlight. "R-Regina.." i stuttered out. i hadn't seen her since that night. She looked so beautiful. "What are you doing here?" i asked and she shrugged. "i could ask you the same thing." she said and i sighed. "i come here when i can't sleep." i said and she nodded. "me too.." she said and i bit my lip. this was our spot. she still comes here? "i-i'm sorry Regina.." i said and she nodded. "sorry's supposed to mean you apologize for something. you regret something. but i know you. you use sorry to make people think you're sorry for something to get them back in your life. i'm not falling for that again emma." she said and tears rolled down my cheeks as i shook my head. "no, regina. i'm really sorry. i'm getting help. please, you have to believe me." i cried and she shook her head. "i fell for that the first time emma. and look what happened." she said and i shook my head. she'll never believe you. she moved on. "i-i'm sorry. i didn't mean to fuck it all up. i didn't mean to." i said and i saw, more than heard, her breathing hitch. "you should've thought about that before you took solace in Jack Daniels instead of me." she said and left, leaving me crying by the lake.

——

Another six months and i was back to a year sober. but none of that matters. i had seven years and i threw it all away because of one bad night. everything was different and it was so so quiet... my head got the best of me. but i couldn't fuck up again. not again. but i'll never get her back.. i found myself at the lake again and i stared at the water. "Why do you still come here Swan?" a voice called out and i looked up to see her. she looked better than ever. and i looked like this.. a tear-stained, heartbroken mess. "i could ask you the same thing." i said and she hummed. "you need to move on. you're hurting yourself." she said and i scoffed. "i can't move on. you're the love of my life." i said and she sighed. "you were the love of my life. but you made me a promise. you promised you wouldn't go back to that. and then i come home to you drunk off your ass. i told you how i felt about alcohol. you knew. and you made your choice." she said sternly and i shook my head. "do you not understand? i made one mistake!" i cried and she nodded. "one mistake that you'll have to pay for the rest of your life." she said before continuing off. i hated crying and that seemed to be all i was doing lately.

——

i looked around at everyone having a good time while i just sat alone in my booth. it reminded me of the welcome home party they threw for me. now no ones welcoming me anymore. no one wants me here. i got up and pulled my jacket on before leaving. as i was making my way down the granny's walkway, i was stopped. by that voice. "hey.. you're leaving before cake?" she said softly and i closed my eyes. how the tables have turned. i turned to face her. she looked hopeful or something. "yeah i'm... not in a very celebratory mood." i said and she frowned. "well then... i.. i'll let you go." she said and i felt my heart break. "right." i said and turned, leaving. i thought it was supposed to get easier? it's been almost a year and a half since the break up... why is it just getting harder? i'm tired of being upset. i'm tired of crying. i'm just tired.

an: sorry, it's a sad one. but i'm a sad one right now.