There isnt a moment given to me to try and free the guilt darkening my mind. My legs are slightly uneven as I walk down the stairs again. Lauren is sobbing but its half relief half fear. I move instantly beside her. Unchaining her and taking her into my arms.
"Dinah it was awful." She murmers into my chest.
"I know Laur, I know." I whisper running my fingers through her tangled hair. "Come on, lets go get you cleaned."
She winces as I help her to the bathroom. Her green eyes lost in a haze as I wash her cuts, bruises, and bloody scars as gently as I can. When I finish I slip her into some sweats and a comfy t-shirt.
Lauren plays with my own hair while I flip through T.V. channels. Laying in her bed with the door shut. Its not like her dad will actually notice or anything. Hes already lost to Lauren. I feel awful for the childhood she had. Theres nothing I want more than to make these next years better.
"There was a deal you made." Lauren says breaking my thoughts. "I heard Camila using my voice. It was mine but it wasnt mine. And I heard the deal. Dinah, what did she make you do?"
I swallow hard. Afraid of the answer. Afraid of what was about to happen. The image of her disguisted face when she thought I was a murderer will be forever implanted in my brain. I feel trapped. She means everything to me. But I can lose her just like that.
Surprisingly I still have those same insecurities. About being flawless and beautiful and being good enough for Lauren. All things, mundane, Endarkened, werewolf, vampire, we all have the same mind set. We all have that annoying mundane trait.
That little part of us that denies us the simplest pleasures we desire. The things we crave most are usually the things we dont allow ourselves to have. People believe that they get what they deserve. If its too good, they cant have it. If its not good enough, they aim for more and dont stop until its theirs.
Lauren was simply a dream too good. She is perfection in my eyes and to have the one thing most people deny themselves of, happiness, with her just makes it seem as if Im this great hero being rewarded heavily. But in truth I am a murdered. I kill and I enjoy. I drink to forget. I smoke to die.
Immediatly I doubt everything. I feel like Im not good enough for her. That she deserves more and could do so much better without me. She had this amazing life and now that Ive come in its all gone. And she loved me out of no reason. Out of the blue. Like she was drunk.
And then the realization dawns on me.
I move away from Lauren, my breathing hitching. She looks at me worried. "Dinah are you okay?" She asks, worry consuming her voice.
My eyes must give my thoughts away. Her green ones pierce into mine as if shes looking through glasses. Reading my soul clearly. She moves forward to comfort me but on impulse I drt backward.
"It was all a lie." I whisper.
Her eyes darken. She moves forward and this time grabs both my hands. I dont fight. My mind is too wrapped in thought, anger, and saddness to form a coherent thought.
"Losten to me Dinah." She commands. Her voice is strong now. Forceful with the slightest taste of a plea. "I fell in love with you. You. It wasnt Camila messing with me. It was my feelings. She just took them and used them to her advantage. Thats all. Ive always loved you." Lauren insists.
I give out a fake laugh. "Sure. Okay. I saw the way you looked at me. With fear and hatred and diguiste Lauren. You looked at me like I was a criminal. Like I was some slutty whore who went to clubs, took advantage of people, and had no heart. Just acting upon cravings and desires."
Lauren opened her mouth to protest but Dinahs cold brown eyes were dark and it scared her, cutting off her ability to speak an actual sentence.
"Admit it Lauren. You dont actually love it. Because whats worse than a broken heart? Its a heart filled with false hope. The hope that maybe someone will come one day and stitch the pieces back in place."
"Dinah I- I-" Her face shows confliction. My voice is low and soft. Quiet but ready to face her words. But what i wasnt ready for was the fight.
She stands so quickly off the bed it reminds me of the grace and skill of an Endarkened. If I hadnt been one myself and my eyes trained to see thise fast movements I wouldve sworn I hadnt seen her.
Her eyes glow in fury and she clenches her teeth. Pacing the room rather dramatically. I sigh and make a move to stand. The minute my arms move she stops to stare.
"Goddamn you Jane." She curses. "I love you. I really do. But your too afraid and ashamed to admit it. You wont allow yourself happiness because of Alexander. Because of Ally. Because of Normani." Her name is a whisper. "Why cant you stop to love yourself the way I love you? Stop and see the woman I love. Stop and see my love."
I tower over her but she doesnt back down. My words are scary calm and depressing in my own ears yet my voice doesnt crack. "Because I can see you dont love me."
Lauren stands still for a moment before moving toward me. Fully intent on perswassion with a kiss to seal it. "Yes I do-" She begins as she leans forward.
To her disliking I pull away. "Tell me why. When. How?"
My words have a chilling affect on the modd in the room. The air grows thick and a chill spreads down my spine. Ice daggers pricking my skin.
"For so many reasons Dinah. I love you because your beautiful. Your strong. And despite everyone seeing Alexanders Daughter, the girl with the black soul, I see the hert if gold. Ive seen your motives and your love. And I cant express how much it hurt when I fell."
She runs her thumb over my cheek.
"I always wanted smooth seas. I wanted a normal life. And then I watched you kill her. I watched my world come down to find a new and harsh reality. You were there for me through it all. And you didnt care if there wasnt anything in it for you. I fell in love with you when you were there in the woods that day."
Lauren smiles as she begins to recall the memory. "You talked about me being crazy and admitted killing a girl that didnt exists. You smoked a cigarrette in the rain and it stayed lit. You stayed dry when the rain beat down hard. I realised back the. That you were a mystery. A beautiful and dangerous mystery. I always wanted smooth sailing. And you were always a tsumani."
A smile tugs at my lips and I feel a sense of security taking me. Lauren holds me tight and my arms wrap around her neck. Hers on my waiste. Holding my close and firmly, as if Id go running at any moment.
"I fell in love with you when your scent hit the air." She inhales deeply with a small smile. "I still remember it. Mixing with the wet scent if pine. Honeysuckle and smoke. I knew there was more to you than meets the eye. Behind that pretty face and black soul there was a heart. And now its mine." She whispers.
After a long moment of staing into my eyes she twirls a piece of my hair. "Whats the verdict?"
I note the confidence in her voice yet I back away. Toward the window. Surviving the jump will be easy. I just wish dieing was that simple. Or living. But really they were one in the same. Just depending on how you look at it. You live to die. Your doing all these pointless things day in and day out to pass the time until you pass. And death is something unavoidable. So why not live a little and make your time worth it.
Her eyes portray her hurt as I move away. She grabs my hand again. "What are you so afraid of?" She wants to scream so badly.
Tears threaten my eyes as I recall what happened to everyone Ive ever cared about. The people Ive loved in the past. I shudder.
"Im afraid of loving you." I whisper.
