Theres not many places to start looking for a mother who adandoned you so many years ago. I dont even know why Im looking. Maybe for the explanation on why she left me while taking Lauren. Maybe because I wanted to kill Casandra like I killed Alexander. Maybe because I was still afraid of the same thing. Love.
All I ever knew was that loving was destroying. And when you were loved, you were being destroyed. So I was running. And the funny thing is Im running nowhere. Im running to a stand still because I continue to fear the past. And everyone knows if you cant let go of the past, you'll never see your future.
Yet I didnt care. I kept running. And I ran to the one place I knew best, my home. It was in Alaska. For once I am thankful for my Endarkened roots. My agility, speed, and endurance are higher than a mundanes. I am able to get there before sunset.
And when I navigate my way through the snow of the woods I can smell the blood thick in the air. My blood. The mansion sat deep in the forest, the coldest region, beside a waterfall that I had never once seen unfrozen.
It was still standing beautifully. A three story castle basically. I didnt want to go inside. But if there were clues as to where she went they would be in the place of my pain. The doors were huge black glass. The walls themselves were made of black marble.
I pressed forward. The doors opened to the immediate huge room with two staircases. And the slope downward between them. I shuddered at the unpleasent memories threatening to resurface after so many years of being barried. Yet thats where I go.
The first room is a small weapons room. So many weapons ranging from whips, to swords, to tridents, to daggers. And yet so many words. I recall the countless time Alexander woke me at three am to come down and give me lessons. History on angels. Wars by the devils. I was taught everything in the magic realm. If you call it that. Basically everything on magical creatures and magic and weapons.
I swallow hard when I see the corner. It has a few select knives. A few whips. And some candles. All weapons that smell of my blood. Everytime I failed a test, missed a lesson, did anything wrong or had a small falter, it was more and more blood.
The next step was the room behind the magiced door. The one where you couldnt hear my screams or my cries. The one where you couldnt open it unless you spilled our family blood on it. The one where I learned how to hold everything in. The one where I used to slam my fists into it every day until my knuckles bled and I knew how to hold in my screams. Where I learned how to stop crying.
With a deep breath I opened the door. There sat a metal floor and metal wallings. One more door to the side was where Cassandra had sat watching. But too afraid to stop her own husband. Too afraid to save her daughter.
All these thoughts made me slam my fist into the wall. Even after hears of running, it still doesnt hurt. I dont wince. I dont flinch. Instead I sigh. Relief flooding my senses. It hadnt been much, but it had been a family.
I turn and open the door to Cassandras study. It has a little wooden desk with some papers and a pen. A little craddle where baby Lauren slept. The one child she cared about. I run my fingers over the delicate frame. Then there was a window. Still open from her escape.
A note is left on the table. Like it was meant for me. Because I know it was.
Dear Diary,
Its day thirty four. The last day. Lauren wakes up everytime she hears the whip crack. I know why Alexander does these things yet i wish I could take the blows for her. My sweet daughter Dinah. There was nothing I could do when I married him. When I married Alexander. I was already pregnant from another man because of rape. And my baby girl was born.
He yelled and hit me once. Then realised his mistake. He took her and punished her for what she was. And I was a coward. I fled with Lauren. Leaving my first born to never know about her sister. Not even a sister. They were born from different men. Dinah wasnt my daughter. She was strong and independant.
I watched her when she fled. Lauren smiled in my arms. Her green emeralds shinning as the girl ran for her life. To this day I regret everything. I came back to write all these new memories in hopes that on day Dinah and Lauren might seek me out. Find me so I can do by them right.
But alas I saw them fall in love. I couldnt have been more proud that Dinah will be fixed. They are both happy and I knew, when Lauren was born, theyd fall in love. They have the same mother but not the same blood. Alexander made that clear.
One day I know Dinah will stop running. And I will be waiting to catch her when she does.
-Cassandra
After readin it I let out a breath I hadnt known i had been holding. I will never be her daughter. I knew that. But to keep everything from the sidelines? That was cruel. And Lauren wasnt my pureblood sister.
Suddenly I knew what I shouldve done. I shouldve stayed. But I cant go back. I have to know. I race out of the house. And somewhere, far away where the girl I love is, I can feel her pain when she realises Im gone. I hear her scream. And feel her tears.
They say if you love something let it go. It will come back if it loved you. If it doesnt it was never meant to be. Ive never believed that. Until now. Because I love Lauren. And thats what makes this all the times harder.
Never have I had trouble running. Until now.
Yet I take off toward the one place I know she will be. I can smell her lavender perfume in the air. Shes going to give me the answers. Lauren will be fine. Because I'll be back one day. But until then, Im running again.
