Darkness Taking Dawn- Lars Ulrich Fanfiction

Trust

Lost in a dream
Nothing is what it seems
Searching my head
For the words that you said
Tears filled my eyes
As we said our last goodbyes
This sad scene replays
Of you walking away
My body aches from mistakes
Betrayed by lust
We lied to each other so much
That in nothing we trust
Time and again
She repeats let's be friends
I smile and say yes
Another truth bends,
I must confess
I try to let go, but I know
We'll never end 'til we're dust
We lied to each other again
But I wish I could trust - Megadeth

I was called back into the set today since now they figured they could report on Rita and I's love life. It comes as no surprise that it was filled with turmoil, but vilifying me seems to be what makes these big studios any money nowadays. It's no secret that I wasn't faithful to Rita while we were together, but at the end of the day Rita knew and didn't care. At least she acted liked she didn't care. If she had any qualms about any of the women that surrounded me she never spoke up about it. She would see me with a woman (most of the times a groupie) and would just love ok away or talk to me as if she didn't exist. My infidelity didn't really seem to phase her, at least that's what I thought.
Once I sat down on the set the producer came up to me prompting me to 'just act natural' and to 'just freely speak your mind'. I sighed looking into the camera waiting for further instruction. "How would you describe your relationship in the nineties?" The producer asked off screen. "To me it was like some twisted dream or story." I stated.
Thrash metal was finally reaching it's peak around this time. While, all of the Big Four bands including The Virgin Suicides were doing great, commercially and financially, it was clear that all of these 'alternative rock' bands were stealing our fire. Plus, things were kinda falling apart behind the scenes since all of us were still pretty shock after Cliff's death. We were all pretty rattled by it, but what could you do?
The crowds just got bigger and bigger though. Along with that all the drugs, alcohol, and women just came so easily. Plus, with all of the shit our producers and management were putting us all through seeing each other would barely happen. Only once we toured together, but even then that was a fiasco waiting to happen. But what can I say? I was stupid? I know that. I regret cheating on her to this day and even dead she still haunts me. Yet, I remember those bleak silvery grey eyes when she saw me with one of those women. She would never outwardly express how she felt, but her eyes sure as hell showed nothing but disappointment and anger beneath the calm and docile surface. I remember when we were in the process of making the Black Album I asked her to marry me and despite saying yes her true answer couldn't be anything other than lukewarm.
She was sitting there in the recording studio with a cigarette dangling loosely from her lips and a black Flying V laying steadily in her arms as she simply gazed forward towards what seemed like nothingness. It wasn't until I tapped on the glass of the door that she jumped to turns towards me. She set down the guitar and unlocked the door inviting me in. Once I embraced her she jumped yet again before awkwardly trying to return the gesture.
She greeted me as she went back to siting by the recording equipment adjacent to me.
Sure without a doubt I was feeling awkward as all hell. I had a ring in my pocket hoping that she'd marry me, yet despite us dating for quite awhile neither of us have really expressed any want for being tied down or married. If anything she had a sort of disdain for matrimony. She'd always tell me that 'love flies out the window once matrimony comes knocking at the door.' I'd laugh along with her when she'd say it but deep down a part of me knew that she was dead serious about how she viewed something like this so I was secretly preparing to be turned down in an instant.
"Why did you come here?" She questioned sleepily.
"I have something important to ask you."
She began to rub the sleep out of her eyes as she began to sit up straight awaiting the news.
"Well are you going to keep me it in suspense or what?" She joked.
I told how I had longed to marry her and how I wanted to make her my own and have a happy family and future together. Yet when I professed this her frown deeper along with the bags under her eyes.
"Are you sure?" She'd question urging me to tell the truth. "Are you absolutely positive that you want to be tied down in a marriage. I won't fault you if you turn back." She piped up almost begging me to get out of this. But still I urged on claiming how I wanted to marry her. And in the end all she could sigh and say yes as I slid the ring into her finger. As she smiled back at me I couldn't help but notice how sad and how forced it all looked, yet I didn't dare to question it. I knew that if I asked for an answer as to why she was upset I wouldn't like it. So I did nothing. I do believe that she loved me and I loved her, yet the hesitance in her eyes and in her facial features never went unnoticed by me despite the apparent ignorance I had towards her situation. After all, I loved her yet I never got to properly know her. Isn't it ironic? Knowing and marrying the girl of your dreams yet having not one inkling or iota to the mental prison that she locked herself in day in and day out. I look back on myself reminiscing one what I considered to be the good old days only to come back and find out that I was just an idiot dumbfounded to what really was going on. What the hell did she ever see in me? I sure as hell wonder.
Wandering back to these days I left searching my head for the word that you said. Time and time again she was repeating this to me urging to not let this friendly coexistence between us end. And yet another truth bends. We lied to each other and to ourselves so much. Our bodies ached from mistakes. But I must ask us back then, why does trust equal suffering? Yet, then again there was absolutely nothing we thought we could trust.