Darkness Taking Dawn- Lars Ulrich Fanfiction

The Unforgiven

New blood joins this earth,
And quickly he's subdued.
Through constant pained disgrace
The young boy learns their rules.
With time the child draws in.
This whipping boy done wrong.
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man struggles on and on he's known
A vow unto his own,
That never from this day
His will they'll take away.
What I've felt,
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown.
Never be.
Never see.
Won't see what might have been.
What I've felt,
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown.
Never free.
Never me.
So I dub thee unforgiven. - Metallica

Have you ever heard of the lottery of birth? It basically states that no matter what you are born as you can't change it. It is random and a person has very rare chances of being born into wealth or stability. I never really understood that saying until I got used to waking up every day in complete and utter darkness. The cold venomous dampness in this room was what I got accustomed to, yet when I got a chance to look out and gaze into other people's lives I learned that this wasn't normal. Some say if you ween a child to much they might turn out crazy, yet mine never did anything to me at all. 

All my life I wanted to be a son. I wanted to be the son my parents always wanted. It was as if whenever they looked towards me you could see the sense of failure in their sad eyes. I wanted to be what they wanted, yet whenever I strived and tried to be such I was always punched down and left to shrivel and rot in my own heap of self defeat. For the first 15 years of my life I just wanted to learn how to disappear completely. I lived the life of a recluse. I had almost no access to the outside world. The only times I ever went out was to go to the local school or to go to church. Every time I walk out of the house to go church or school I realize how alone I truly am. Whenever, I see those hypocrites looking towards me almost wondering what's wrong with me I turn away only hoping to eternally disappear.

I hardly socialized. The one person who ever even dared to talk to me was the girl named Lilly. She had brown hair that almost seemed to fade to grey and a pair of beautiful blue eyes that resembled the skies. She was a sad and lonely girl, yet still I couldn't help but fear her. Sure she was maladjusted as well, but compared to me at the very least she could talk properly, act normally, and think correctly. But unlike the others she was nice to me. Everyday she would see me sitting all alone. I didn't have anyone to talk to and I had no food to eat, yet unlike the others she came over to me. Once she started talking to me for the very first time in my life I felt a minuscule part of myself inwardly relax and feel welcomed.

Yet, when I returned home I was always reminded what I was in the scheme of things. I was a failure. I was a mistake that is it wasn't for my mother's clumsiness wouldn't even have been birthed to begin with. It got me to debate with myself and to ponder, is it better to be insulted or ignored? My mother constantly ignored me, yet on the other  hand my father acknowledged me but it was always to remind me of what I was to him; a street rat that could only wish to squeal loud enough to have someone hear my pleas.

It wasn't until I got my first book was when I truly felt human. It was a lovely pink book with a single man standing front and center among the vast emptiness of the surrounding area.   And to this day these words will always ring true within my head. "Mine has been a life of much shame. I can't even guess myself what it must be to live the life of a human being."  I have always tried to fit in, yet I never could. I knew well enough that I couldn't no matter how much I tried. People talk of "social outcasts." The phrase apparently denotes the miserable creeps of the world, the vicious ones, but I feel as though I have been a "social outcast" from the moment I was born. It lead me to know that no matter how hard I tried life would be better when I was dead and gone.

I was never able to feel even a particle of reliability and comfort in front of those known human beings. However, that book seemed to read me and know me as if it was made for me. I felt like I finally had something to be with me. That was the only thing in the end that would remain by me. No one I learned would stay near me. Not my mother, father, school instructors or even the girl with the pretty blue eyes. They'd all leave me or would be forced to in the end to go forward in their lives. Yet, this small almost completely insignificant thing that could be easily forgotten among the oversaturated seas of novels this one found it's way to me.

All my life up until this point I felt as though I have been subdued and beaten down. I learned the rules of this world, but this couldn't be my life. I won't stand for this to be my life. My will won't be taken away. I vow this. I was deprived of such, but this was the end. All my life up until this point I have never shined doing what I've shown. Yet this was what I have always known. I was taught to never be me, and in doing such I was never able to be me. But, once I stop fighting that's when they realize they win. I was at the end. This was when I realized I was alway; even from my conception, the unforgiven.