Darkness Taking Dawn- Lars Ulrich Fanfiction

Tell Me Does It Matter

I'm a little alike
You before things had changed
In a compass, I ride
All this feels rearranged
Tell me, does it matter
If I'm still here, or I'm gone?
Shifting to the after
An impostor, I'm not the one you know
I look the same outside
Nearly me even though
I carry something I hide
Underneath the one you know
Tell me, does it matter
If I'm still here, or I'm gone?
Shifting to the after
An impostor, so disowned
Are you surprised black water flows
From wells run dry?
I'm not the one you know
Lay me out with our guilt
Watch the explosions fall, rain
Cannot live within this tilt
Carryin' over
I'm not the one you know - Alice in Chains

As I walked back into the set the next day I quickly noted that a few others inhabited the area along the producers and whatnot. Joanna stood there still looking as young as ever along with Tomi. 

Joanna was the drummer of the band, but had moved onto to make her own solo music with Tomi. She had nice sandy blonde hair and blue eyes and held a much more cleaner appearance than the bassist of their former band.  Also unlike Lilly she was much more open and accepting of me. She didn't really care if I was with Rita. If anything she was downright supportive of us and urged us to get together before we even knew we liked each other. She  waved off Tomi and walked over to me with her arms wide open.

"How are you Ulrich?" She embraced as the raspy voice of hers sounded in my ears. 

"Fine." I stated pulling back from her and looking up. 

She briefly smiled as the slight wrinkled along with sleep and age marks became a bit more evident. 

"That's good..." She paused awkwardly for a brief moment. "You know nothing has really been the same since Ellsberg went..." She looked off away from me as the hidden and repressed pain that she held for her only became more and more obvious. She suddenly snapped back into reality as Tomi came back only to tug her arm and urged her towards the exit as to so subtly imply that she wanted to leave. Joanna merely chuckled and looked towards me again as she turned away from Tomi. "Well, I guess that's my que to leave. I'll see you around sometime Ulrich. We should do lunch together!" 

They walked away slowly becoming nothing but a mere blur in the distance. Once I couldn't see them anymore I made my way deeper into the set as the producers looked away from their phones and PDAs and became almost entirely focused on me.

"Oh you're here! That's great! Why don't you take a seat and try to pick up where you left off yesterday!" The producer cheerily yet still sternly instructed me as I went to sit down.

I sat down and looked towards the camera in an apathetic and tired look as I was now becoming certain that this whole tv special was just a money scheme to bring in viewers who would be 'nostalgic' and tune in because they knew Rita's name.

"Where do you want to pick up?" I questioned lazily.

"Oh, just pickup after Cliff became part of Metallica." She stated authoritatively as she was scrolling through her notes.

I shrugged then looked back towards the camera recalling how fond Cliff and Rita were of each other.

Around the time we finally found a new bassist in San Fransisco was around the time The Virgin Suicides got back from tour. This made us have to pack up our stuff and migrate to the north, but surprisingly she didn't care or really even mind it. I was talking on the phone with her one night after finding Cliff in an underground club when she merely stated, 'I'll be moving up there with you guys soon enough.' She went on to say that geographically it made more sense since her fanbase and audience frequented around this part much more than back in Los Angeles.

After we moved up to San Fransisco Rita and her band joined only a few days later and invited us over to hang out and whatnot. However, while everyone else was socializing in her small rather rugged housing complex that she shared with her other bandmates she merely stood in the kitchen like a lone shark with a half finished beer cupped in her hands. The rest of the guys and I were hanging out with the much more lively ones in the group. Joanna and Tomi, especially, were the fun ones to hang out with. Yet, I guess while we were hanging out Cliff had isolated himself in the kitchen with Rita. 

"Rita and Cliff could always relate with each other with their rather odd sense of humor I guess." I recalled. "It also helped that they both had a thing for guns. Cliff grew up around them and would constantly use BB guns, while, Rita claimed that she grew up around them and would go to hunting and shooting ranges from time to time." I smirked remembering all the times they would go out back and shoot down old beer bottles with and old revolver she constantly had on her.

"Arguably she was closer to Cliff than we were. They almost exclusively hung out with each other. Cliff and Rita were practically inseparable. They were always glued to each other up until he died."

When I momentarily glanced over to the kitchen I saw both Cliff and Rita laughing their asses off while she sat Indian style on the counter and while he leaned lazily next to her. I knew it was innocent enough, but I was jealous. She'd never show me that much affection nor emotion towards me (and I met her first!). It was like I was chopped liver. They also held so much in common. They were both rather quiet, loved to sport small guns, and had the same music tastes. As far as I could tell they were rather compatible with each other, at least compared to my relationship with her. 

Whenever they were around each other the atmosphere always seemed so light and airy. She would almost always smile and giggle around him like he was the best thing around. And to be honest he was. Aside from Dave no one seemed cooler than him. James was still very introverted, and I was rather short so no everyone sorta treated me like some small child. However, unlike Dave he wasn't an asshole. He was this chill, easy going, patriotic dude that just loved regular shit that everyone else did. He was basically everyone's definition of cool. Everyone liked him, including her.

"All that ran through my head was that I'm just not the one you know?" I quipped towards the end of todays session. When I looked back at my attitude towards their relationship I was always laid out with guilt. "I just wanted to be the one, you know?" I admitted slightly ashamed of myself. I always wondered did it ever really matter. I yearned for-- no needed her affirmation. I just wanted her to tell me did it matter if I was still there or not. At times I still wanted someone to tell me does it matter if I'm still here or I'm gone.