Psychic

31. The Conscience

They were headed to Anasese next and the ship was a lot noisier now with three kids on it. Rai was having trouble getting any time to herself for drawing, reading or even sleeping. She was always preparing food for them, scolding one or solving disputes between them. Laura, at seven years old, was the youngest of the three kids and kept coming into Rai's cabin to sleep. When Rai was not busy with the kids, she was with Roxanne, who was teaching her teleportation.

With everything that occupied Rai's time and attention, Reno was having a hard time finding her alone. He came out of the hold one afternoon after using the bathroom. Sahalli and Max were playing around his hammock. He cringed and went back inside. He went to sit at the empty kitchen table.

He laid his chin on the table and let his arms hang. From under the collar of his shirt, a little fairy crawled out and sat on his shoulder. She aired out her thin, translucent dragonfly wings. She was Reno's fairy, Aila. She had been with him as far back as he could remember. Reno had taken the nightstand out to the deck so she would have a place to sleep aside from in his hair or on his shoulder.

She had short messy hair that was a gleaming silver color littered with baby's breath flowers. Hanging from her ears were the bells of lilies of the valley. She wore a long white dress, tattered at the bottom and no shoes.

"Bored?" she said as she flew onto the table to face him. "Rai's not around?" she teased him the way a friend would.

"Ugh, shut up," he said with a smile, sitting up. "She... confuses me."

"You don't sound confused when you talk to her."

"I've been thinking, I want to see her happy but I want her to be happy with me. Is that selfish?"

"Have you considered that you might be in love with her?"

He leaned back in the chair, putting his arm up on the backrest as though he were completely at ease. "Is that even possible for me? I think you're just a romantic."

"I know what you feel is love because I feel it for you. I want to see you happy. I've known you since you were in diapers. You're practically my son. Your happiness is my happiness and if she makes you happy, that is what I want for you."

"So what should I say to her? She's never going to believe me. She's never going to trust me." He mumbled to himself, "and maybe she shouldn't."

"And why not?" Aila snapped, planting her hands on her hips firmly. "You're not so bad."

"Maybe because I've enjoyed killing people. I tortured people. I made people die slow and painful deaths. I can't even be sure of everything I did when I was high." He started to whisper, "the things I did to that girl..."

"No!" Aila said pointing at him. "That has nothing to do with this."

"Doesn't it?"

"Stop it!" She flew forward and landed on his head, lying on it to hug it. "You are my boy! I raised you and you are good. You are!"

"But you aren't the only one who raised me, are you?"

"Don't think about that," she rubbed her arm nervously as she sat up in his hair. "You didn't like who you were. You never did like Tolaymus or being a General, right? You did what you had to. I think Rai can forgive that."

"I did enjoy the killing... sometimes."

"But that wasn't your choice. Tolaymus made you do those things. Liking it was a way to deal with it."

"Aila, I liked it, I did."

"Don't say that."

"Why? It's true."