MY DIARY

ENTRY #10

10/24/2018 3:41 pm

Do you even have any idea how I hate myself? I hate myself because of what others say about me. Like you, you always say that I do self-pity. Which makes me think that I do that's why I thought I should die or kill myself. Why? Because I do self pity. Because I feel manipulative. Because I act as if I'm the most pitiful girl in the world. Because I act as if I'm hurt.

I think that I'm stupid, dumb, annoying, manipulative, fake and all those stuffs. All the words that everyone said to me went straight to my heart. And you don't know that, because I will never tell you. Why? Because I know what you'll say.

That's why even when people bully me and hurt me with their words I just act like I don't care when I really do. I act as if I'm okay even when I do tons of things just to kill myself.

I tried to choke myself while eating, I tried to drown myself, I tried to hit my head on the wall, I slept late to have anemia.

Yes, I know what'll happen if I sleep late. I know that I'll get sick. I know that I will get leukemia. And yes, that was EXACTLY what I wanted. I wanted to die mom. I really wanted to die. Because I had so much self hatred. And it was growing more and more each day.

Whenever I see someone better than me? I wanted to quit what I was doing because someone did better than me. When I saw that someone was smarter than me? I thought I was dumb.

All those were in my head, yet I said nothing. Why? I know what'll happen. I'll look like a self-pitying bitch. An attention whore who doesn't have any better fucking thing to do.

Then I had an idea. A brilliant idea. I cut my arm to let out my anger towards myself. Or I sometimes hit my head on the wall to let these strong hatred out. And it felt a little nice. Because I was letting out my emotions. But it was kinda bad because I was getting hurt physically. But I didn't care, if I was dying on the inside then literally dying won't be much painful.

From now on I won't tell anyone about what I feel. I will just write them and let them out physically on myself. It's better that way.

:)