MY DIARY

ENTRY #13

04/19/2020 4:26 PM

I just want to vanish. This feeling of negativity that keeps on draining me, eating me, it's suffocating. I can't remove it, I can't live this way but I can't die either.

I'm tired of fighting! I'm tired of everyone saying that I'm not doing anything or I'm not trying??? All my life I've been fighting myself! I've been fighting my thoughts! I've been putting a face so that no one would worry, I've been hiding this feelings that way no one would worry! Nor would anyone judge me!

Telling me I'm weak when I had to go through a ton of things and no one knows about it! I had to deal with constant fear, worry, negativity. I didn't want this... I didn't wish to have this... But I have it...

I'm not fucking weak.... I just agreed with you all that I am but I know deep inside that I'm not. I'm not weak! I had to deal with everything because everyone is starting to crumble, everyone's weak....

Expecting someone, younger than you, to carry all the burden? Always having to be happy ? Always have to be strong because they depend on you? I'm tired... But I still have to keep going....

If I could do it, I would've killed myself but I can't. The pain is unbearable, it's heavy, I feel like I'm running out of air... Like I'm drowning in something I can't see. I'm trying to shout, I'm trying to scream but it doesn't work. Like I'm at the bottom of the ocean where no one hears me. And once I go up, my tears are nothing, they look like they're part of the water. As if I'm not hurt. As if I'm not going through anything....

I'm tired of the constant comparison, tired of everyone telling me to release the pain then tell me to be strong and to endure it?? What do you actually want from me???

I'm really confused...

I have little to no belief in myself, once I'm about to have some confidence it starts to vanish because I start to doubt myself. Because then people would think I'm believing too much or I'm doing something that is impossible..

I can't breathe...

Ironic... Everyone wants me to tell them what I feel and to be honest but when I do they start to tell me to not worry about it and be happy, to focus on being positive. To not think of anything negative, to not be affected with everything... To just ignore things....

Why be open when you'd be judged the moment you say anything...

Comparison.. just because I have an easy life...

Even when I have everything I still am not happy! Because I'm forced into things I don't want, I need to do things I don't like. I'm given a ton if responsibilities, given a ton of expectations, viewed as perfect which is why I should watch my actions all the time and to never fail. I should never make mistakes. I should do things properly all the time. Because I'm viewed as perfect... But I'm not perfect... I never was....

Just stop..... Please....