MY DIARY

ENTRY #15

08/12/2020 | 5:24 PM

I'm confused, do I really deserve happiness? I've been thinking too much. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of what will happen because of my previous decisions. The scenarios that I've been worried of might not come true but I still can't risk that 30% chance that it might. 

I'm scared. I'm worried of everything that will happen. 

Been feeling guilty for things that I'm not sure is actually my fault. I'm feeling guilty for the suffering of others or even just giving others a small problem.  I really think I don't deserve to be happy...

I just want what's best for him. But why does it feel like what I'm going through or the happiness that I'm experiencing seem unfair? Why do I feel guilty and feel like I'm the villain?

Is it wrong that I started to like someone new..? I mean, I guess it is. But I didn't mean for that to happen. And no matter how much I try not to fall, I end up falling. I'm conflicted. Should I really continue my life even when it's with someone else? Why does it feel like I'm really in the wrong?

What's more wrong is they're somehow connected. It's wrong how he has a connection with him. I feel like I'm being unfair. I feel like I'm dirty. That I'm just playing them even though I'm not..

I'm really really bothered by this and confused. 

I wish no one liked me and I wish I didn't fall for anyone... just so they wouldn't be tangled in my mess.

I loved him. But why did I move on so quickly? Did I not love him? Am I just faking it?.... no...

I truly did loved him. I gave him my all even when I saw how the ending would be. Even when I saw how painful it would end. I really loved him but time has showed us that I have to stop. I still care for him, I just wish he'd move on too. But I can't force that, he has to move on in his own pace. I'm still waiting for the time where we can continue being friends or at least acquaintances. 

What about the new one..? 

I mean, I really really like him. I'm still afraid to admit to myself that this is love because I still feel like it's wrong, but I know that I'm almost falling in love or I've already fallen. I'm glad we aren't rushing things and I really appreciate his presence. I know I'm still doubtful with him staying but I trust him, I'm hoping that he'd actually stay. That he'd fulfill all his promises to me even if it takes him years. 

I just hope for the best for everyone in the end. No suffering, no broken hearts, no broken people. I want everyone to be okay.

Hmm... seems like I've fixed my thoughts myself. I'm thankful for the words given to me by my former classmate, write your thoughts or problems to figure them out because that way you can see them and you can think clearly. Even though in my case, I typed my thoughts out. Still, glad that I didn't resort to being negative again. :) I guess I am improving. This makes me happy. :>