forty seventh

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we were on our way to the party, we were walking seeing as our street was only 5 minutes away.
i still couldn't believe that he was acting so fucking oblivious about the church.

was it his place to? as my boyfriend?
he doesn't even know why i hate the church. i keep forgetting that, he probably just thinks it's the one my dead mum attended or i have a phobia of vicars.

i could see the top of the church on the horizon, i squeezed his hand tighter. he didn't squeeze back like usual.

i was wearing a white sweater.
i was nervous enough about it being a party.
why is the world so against me?
that i was punched in the face by a boy called josh and i'm going to a party by the name of josh and josh the vicars son scarred me for life in the church directly opposite josh's house where the party is.

it's disgusting how i expect the world to revolve around me.
"you okay?"
"mhm"

we got to the party, the whole time i was looking at the floor. i knew we were going past the church. phil didn't say a word he just looked straight ahead.
the house smelt like alcohol and weed. i kind of loved it. it reminded me that maybe tonight i had the chance to get away from my own head.

phil took me to the drinks table and poured himself a shot and me some lemonade.
"what are you doing?", i said with a shaking voice.
"getting you a drink why?"
i decided i'd stay quiet, that if he left me to talk to someone i could sneak over and get myself some alcohol.
"okay thankyou"
i drank my lemonade very slowly.

i was trying to find the right moment to sneak away.
i didn't want him to know i was drinking because he might want to take advantage of me. i also don't want to cause an argument.

i weighed up my options over the course of our first 30 minutes being there.
the alcohol was in the kitchen. the only bathroom was upstairs. but upstairs was also where everyone was doing the weed, in josh's bedroom apparently.
when phil seemed deep in conversation with a girl from my art class, i stopped clinging onto him and told him i was going to the toilet.
i ran up the stairs and went to the bathroom. i looked at myself in the mirror and sighed.
time to do some drugs.
time to escape.

i went to the only closed door that was on the second floor and knocked.
i heard a giggle and some whispering so i opened the door. there were 3 people sat on the bed. the room was filled with smoke so much that i could barely see them.
it smelt strongly of weed.
"hey dude you lost?"
"um no i was wondering if i could do some weed?"
they all laughed and "awwed"
"bro that's adorable come over"
"of course man there's plenty to go round"
"let him he's cute"

i was flattered.
and scared.

i wasn't worried about the smoking part.
i'd smoked 9 cigarettes in my lifetime, so i knew i wouldn't cough.

he handed me the blunt and a lighter. i tried to look confident by putting it between my lips and lighting it, but my hands were shaking violently.
i took a hit and loved every second. i loved the taste.
but i loved that fact that i was about to be calmed down way more.
i finished the blunt and thanked them before saying i had to get back to my boyfriend. i felt floaty, and slow.
and happy.
they said it wasn't a problem and they'd see me around.

i made my way downstairs and saw phil in the crowd.
he was still talking to the girl. he didn't seem to care or notice how long i'd been.
i decided i could risk making my way over to the drinks.
i successfully arrived there and poured myself a cup of vodka and lemonade trying not to spill it or drop it. then i poured 5 shots and took them. it was scary but i had this new found confidence that i knew i was about to lose.

i wanted to hurry up and do things whilst i could.

i grabbed my cup and went back to phil.
"there you are, i was thinking of going. it's getting pretty late and i need to be home before my dad gets too mad"
i just nodded, downed my "lemonade" and followed him out of the door.

i looked up and saw the church.
whoops.

"oh my fucking god babe i'm so sorry. how the fuck could i fucking forget i'm so fucking stupid"

i let my legs give way beneath me and i was on the floor crying.
he decides now to realise?
i was a mess.
a drunk and high mess.
but he didn't know that.

i threw up.

"babe what's wrong with you? have you been drinking"
"yes phil, 5 shots, a cup of vodka and a blunt"

he was shouting at me. asking how i could do such a thing behind his back, how furious he was, and shocked. he was asking me why, over and over.
asking me how i did it and why i needed to do it so much and so secretly.
"because phil i don't give a fucking shit anymore. i'm outside of the fucking church. i'm at josh's house. i'm high and drunk and you can't stop me. you're not in charge of me. no one is. i wanted a break from my fucking head and you wouldn't let me like you own me or some shit. then you have the audacity to drag me down to what i needed drugs to get away from. you're pathetic phil. so fucking pathetic and stupid. why don't you care about me"
i was crying violently.
and screaming.
he grabbed my hand.

"we're going to your house", is all he said.
"no get off me. you don't get to touch me, no one does. i've fucking had enough of it. i've had enough of everything. why is it always me? huh? why does everyone fucking think they get to touch me?"
i was screaming in his face.
he looked scared.

i don't care if i scared phil, he deserves it.
he scared me first.

"come on!" he pulled my arm harder and i fell into him.
and whatever drink he had in his hand went onto me.
that drink just so happened to be red. onto my white sweater.
it immediately turned pink.
"no phil get the fuck off me. now! i've had enough of you and the church and feeling this way and you can't pretend you care now because it's too late i'm off my face and i'm wearing a pink sweater outside of the fucking church where i wore one where it happened!"
i yanked my hand from his grip and my sleeve came up.
what a night.
he looked down at my arm with wide eyes and i glared at him and pulled it back down.

we were walking. in silence.
i didn't care.
my life was over. completely.

we got to my house and he came in with me. i didn't question it, i just walked to my room.

"dan, what do you mean?"
"what"
"what you said earlier about the church. about "it" and josh and people touching you and your sweater"
"none of your business", i said crossing my arms. i sat on my bed and took my sticky jumper off.
i didn't care about my arms. he's already seen too much. he'll never talk to me again after tonight's over.
i don't care.
"that's fair"
he got into my bed and turned on his side to face me.
"you know you can tell me anything right?"
"yes"
i began to cry.
he was my boyfriend after all. he deserved to know and i guess kind of needs to seeing as things like this happen because he doesn't.
"did someone hurt you dan"
i nodded.
"where?"
i stayed silent and got under the covers too.
"was it the church?"
i led on my side to face him and nodded.
"was it a boy or a girl?"
i managed to whisper a "boy"
"did he touch you?"
i cried harder and covered my face with my hands.
"i love you dan you know that?"
i shook my head this time.
"well i do, so give me a hug"
i led there and let him wrap his arms around my topless body.
"where's this from?", he said pointing to my arms.
"when you wouldn't let me do weed"
"why dan" his voice cracked.
"i told you i wanted to get out of my head, i told you i could take it anymore. i had to do something. and straight after i saw you outside smoking"
"i'm so sorry, i thought i was protecting you"
"okay"

the air was warm. i was dizzy. my face was wet and my torso was unclothed with phil next to me.

"night phil"
"night dan i love you"
i just turned over and went to sleep.

𝐢 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐮𝐫 𝐰𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐱|𝐩𝐡𝐚𝐧Where stories live. Discover now