𝐢 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐮𝐫 𝐰𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐱|𝐩𝐡𝐚𝐧

forty ninth

school was awkward.
phil kept trying to hold my hand but i had already told him i was too scared to in front of people in school.
every time i pulled my hand away he'd give me a smile.
i hope he knows i'm pulling away because of kids our age and not because of josh.

he thinks i'm pathetic.
he came over for tea one day.
that was more awkward.

petal kept asking about his family and i could tell he was uncomfortable.
it got even worse when he said that he had a mother and a father.
at first i was confused as to why i didn't know this, then i was more confused when i realised he was making it all up.
she asked him about his father and he said he was kind and "supportive", and his 'mother' is apparently very beautiful and quiet.

i felt terrible. it was so sad watching him think about it all.
it was sad when petal said she'd love to meet them some time.

we've been walking the long way to school everyday regardless of if we were late or not.
that made me happy, and also guilty that we had to reorganise everything just because i'm fucking pathetic.

"how did you even know about this route?"
we were holding hands and we were running very late. but it was english first so we didn't care, at least we'd be late together.
"my mum used to take me down here to get away from my stepdad, not many people know about it, it's quite a confusing path."
"oh"
he started humming and stroking his thumb over my hand.
i was enjoying myself, i had no worries at the exact moment and i was happy about that.
until i opened my stupid big mouth.

"where is your mum?"

he went pale, and stopped running circles on my hand.
i felt guilty, i deserved to feel guilty.

"he killed her"
"w-what, who?", i was in complete shock. i stopped waking and i let go of his hand.
"can we talk about this another time dan?"
"who killed her phil?", i tried to keep my voice down as if it would stop the words from stinging so much.
"john. my step father. hit her a bit too hard and now she's gone he hits me instead."
"why don't you leave? why didn't you? are you okay? oh my god that's fucking horrendous. were you close? was he nice before she died? why didn't you both run away? why do you still live with him?"

i was completely floored. his stepdads name is john and john killed his fucking mum.

"i have no where to go, i tried to leave but i had no where to go. he was nice for about a week and as soon as the funeral was over he started drinking and hitting harder"
"i'm sorry phil i shouldn't have asked"
"it's okay, it's life"
he looked completely emotionless.
he grabbed my hand a bit more roughly this time and we kept walking.

i'm such a shit person.
why did i have to bring it up?