Dear My Sanity (Katsuki Bakugou love story. My Hero Academy)

Chapter: 14 Despair

Joozous POV

        Yesterday was simple. After I got home, me and Hendrickson went to dinner and came home kinda late. We ended up walking around town and getting ice cream.
At the moment we were eating breakfast and Hendrickson was frequently looking at the clock.
"So...? You gonna ask Momo out..?" I asked as I picked up my cup, which had water. I wasn't hungry.
"W-what!?! How did you know?!" He asked as he freaked out and I heard him drop his fork.
"It's obvious you only wanted to go to that restaurant to scout it out. And I also heard you making reservations..." I said as I finished and laughed a bit as I peeked into the dining room.
"...yeah....I'm planning on it..." he said as he stood up and passed me entering the kitchen.
"Come on. We are gonna be late if we don't leave soon. I'll get my school bag.." I said as I ran upstairs.

-a bit later-

        I watched my phone for a while as I was sent pictures of Bakugou from the past mainly from Midorya. It was a year book picture.
        I blushed instantly and smiled as I scrolled threw the pictures.
        Then there was one of Bakugou and Midorya as kids they looked so cute. He texted that some of these his mom took and others were sent by Bakugous mom who Midorya's mom still keeps in touch with.
        "Hey Joozou are you ok..???" Someone asked as they walkers up to me. "Yeah you seam a bit to happy... " Someone added as they also walked closer.
        I looked up and saw Mineta, and next to him was Kaminari. "Yeah, Why..??" I asked confused as I sat up and shut my phone off.
        They chuckled awkwardly and pointed at my head.
        I looked up and saw flames. But they were calm and just made my hair go up a bit.
        "Ohh!!! I was just excited...This is embarrassing..." I said as my hair went down and I panicked.
        "Anything in particular you're excited about...?" Mineta asked. "Maybe seeing Bakugou shirtless at the water park...." Kaminari added. He then slid me a paper as Mineta winked then they both left smirking.
I picked the paper up and opened it.

'If you want pictures of Bakugou while changing in the locker room, just ask. However you will need to pay up..but the payment would be discussed..'

I then burned the paper with my fire quirk and stood up. This caused Mineta and Kaminari to stop and turn to look at me.
I motioned them to follow me as I went out the back door. They did and Kaminari shut the door.
        "I want to talk price..." I said as my hair covered my eyes. I heard them chuckled then I was handed another paper. "Bring either of those and we will be happy.." Mineta said as they both left me alone in the hallway shutting the door.
After looking threw the list I decide to just get him #1. Which was 3 X-Large posters from playboy. I then walked back in and walked up to Kaminari.
"Tomorrow after school. Meet me on the roof...I'll bring #1.." I said as I handed him the paper. "Ok.." He said smiling.

-18 days later-

Change...things are changing... People...abilities.... Strength...
I've been thinking these things..... Like, even if Bakugou did like me...would he be to good for me...he's one of the top student in the class.
And lately he's been getting stronger and smarter with his quirk. Even if I'm doing good in class, I haven't improved at all since I got here... he's evolved and leaving..me behind.. everyone's leaving me.
Even brothers doing better and started training his speed and learned to bend wind with it. He also leaned to manifesting sand from thin air changing the structure of air molecules. He's learning so many things... and I'm still here... I want to get better....
Don't get me wrong, I am trying..I'm braking my body every time I try. If I don't bleed I don't improve.... I go beyond my limits and destroy my mind..... Today I will try my body. If I brake myself I might learn and get better...so much to think about...
Currently it was lunch and I wasn't eating. I won't. I don't deserve it. Food is for people who earn it.
I haven't eaten a whole meal in a week. An apple a day or so and water.... I did eat the other day when brother went to dinner with me. But soon after we got home I vomited it out. If I don't improve then I don't deserve a luxury, like food.
"Joozou..." I heard someone say. I looked in front of me and saw brother concern.
"Don't tell me you're not hungry again...?" He asked as he got up and put his empty food try away.
"I'm not...I'm ok.." I said smiling as I stood up and left, leaving my food there.
I went to the class room and grabbed my school bag. I took it out to the field. The empty dirt field that no one was at. Quit and perfect.
I then put my school bag to the side and made sure it was safe.
I then stood in the center of the field and began to grind up some sand from the ground.
When I got enough for what I needed I let it disperse and come from the dirt. I closed my eyes and prepared myself.
I then made a perfect sphere in front of me that was hollow. I opened my eyes then put my hands in the sphere.
I then use my explosion quirk to create Bakugous signature large explosions. I did it 4 times.
Using all my force and will I felt proud for once. The sand isolated and absorbed the blow but my hands also felt it.
I smiled as I took out my hands. They were a light purple. I had broken them a bit. I laughed and it became loud. I then stopped.
"If I don't feel pain I won't learn true freedom....If I don't feel pain...I won't learn to do better next time..." I said whispering as I clenched my fists.
I then began to punch the sphere super fast. I then dispersed the sand and let some of it cover my hands. I let it reflect my normal hands so no one would notice how broken they are. I'll fix them later......
Is Bakugou really that ahead of me.... "SHUT UP!!" I shouted at the voices in my head.
        Of course he is... and maybe he always will..... Why am I doing this... is he what I really want...? Is he worth all this Pain..? If not...then why do I secretly want his approval... for him to tell me I'm enough.
"Maybe he's to stubborn to talk to me on a personal level...and if so...That means I'm not worth his time..." I whispered as I got on my knees and just sat there for a bit.
        I mean, yesterday he did say to 'die..' and he also said I'm nothing compared to him... why do I desire him....? He probably hates me.
        'He doesn't hate you... he invited you to the festival...' I thought to myself smiling as I stood up. 'It could have been a dare..like what Red said...' I thought as I broke my reassurance.
        From the fact that he always screams at me and sometimes calls me names, should have already shattered my hopes. Yet I still want to believe I am wrong. What's wrong with me....?!? Why am I thinking this way!!??! Doing these things to myself....?!? Why am I starting to only feel-.

"Despair...." I heard someone said. I turned and saw one of my fathers looking at me while smirking. "It's kicking in just fine. Come now Joozou, I have taken you out of school for the day. We have tests that need to be done.." He said as he motioned for me to follow.
His name is Rei Akagi. He was the so called Alpha of the lab.... he's seen more of me then I have myself. He's dissected me, tortured me, and gave me so much pain. Yet...at the moment I can think of nothing more but to follow every word he says. What did he do to me...?