The Atlas Of Love

- twelve -

I sat out on my balcony, headphones on, sipping coffee as I worked on another song.

It was getting colder and I was only hoping to finish it quickly and head back inside to get some sleep.

Five minutes later, I saw Xander's car pull up on the driveway.

He got out of his car and looked stressed as he leaned on his car. I kept my laptop aside to get a better view.

Xander slowly sat down on the ground, hugging his knees.

"Xan. What's wrong?" I reluctantly asked, walking closer.

He flinched when I called him. "J? What are you still doing up?"

"Been working on a song. Have you dropped Madison home safely?" I shifted back and forth on my legs.

He nodded quietly at this. It was dark and I couldn't really make out the look on his face, but I could tell that something was wrong.

"Wanna come up and talk about it?" I offered, clearing my throat.

"Okay. I'll be there."

I quickly ran down to the kitchen to get two more cups of coffee for the both of us. Xander was already sprawled across my carpet when I came back.

"Here you go." I handed him his cup.

He sat up and took it from my hand, heaving a sigh. He opened his mouth to say something, and then pursed his lips, waving it off.

"What? What's wrong?" I asked, settling down beside him.

He scratched his head, looking away. "I, uh broke up with Madison."

"Xand-- you did what?" I kept my cup down, staring at him in disbelief.

"I know. It was stupid. I-- I don't know why I did." He raised his hands, making gestures I couldn't understand and then ran his fingers through his hair.

"Xander, I thought both of you were serious about each other. Did you know how sad she was after that incident today? Why did you break up? Okay, no. Who dumped who?" I raged.

"Listen J."

"Listening." I fumed.

He cleared his throat. "Alright, we were in the car talking about whatever happened earlier. She kept on insisting that she left a really bad-first-impression on my mom and I kept on telling her that it was fine and that my mom is not the type to judge a person based on first impressions and stuff."

"And?"

"I don't know, we argued and argued, things got worse and one thing led to another. I got sick of hearing her whine and just lost my cool." He stared up to the sky, sipping his coffee.

I was this close to punching him for the stunt he pulled. "If you truly loved her, you--"

"I didn't." He cut me off.

"What do you mean?"

"A slight infatuation with her for a while, yeah maybe, but I was never in love with her. And I don't think I ever want to get back together with her as of now."

"Xander." I squeezed his hand softly, not knowing what to say anymore.

"Plus I don't think she'll ever get along with my mother too." He shrugged.

"She's not us, Xander. Of course it's gonna take some time for her to adjust. We practically grew up together here, but she didn't. Let her have her time and space." I pointed out.

"She can have them forever, cause I think I've made up my mind. I'm not getting back together with her." He kept his cup down and stood up.

"Thanks for the coffee and goodnight." He turned around, waving his hand.

I finished mine too and slowly kept my stuff aside, getting ready to hit the bed.

As I got up to head back inside, Xander called me from behind.

I raised my eyebrows at him.

He had already changed into some gray sweatpants and was shirtless. Which made it slightly hard for me to focus on his face.

"What's wrong with me J?"

This made me tear up. "Nothing's wrong with you Xander. Come here."

He walked back out to me. I wrapped one of my arms around his shoulder, the other one patting his head. He burried his face on the crook of my neck, his hands tightly wrapped around my back.

"Nothing is wrong with you okay." I whispered to him, feeling extremely comfortable against his warm skin.

"Why do I keep messing up? I messed up what we had and then what I had with Andrea and now Madison." He muttered.

"Hey, hey." I pulled away, cupping his cheeks.

"We've not lived even half of our lives yet. The right one's gonna come along. You don't have to worry about what didn't work out in the past. And you are a good person Xander, you treated me so well when we were together. I wouldn't have it any other way even if I could go back in time." I explained.

"Tell me J. Why didn't things work out for us? What went wrong?" He questioned, this time an entirely different emotion screaming from his eyes.

I bit my lips, not being able to look up at him anymore. "Tell me Jane." He demanded, lifting my chin up with a finger.

I reluctantly looked up in his eyes and immediately regretted doing so when I caught him staring down intently at my lips.

"Don't do that. You'll bleed." He said, brushing his thumb over my lips.

My knees went weak and my mind blank.

"Don't do this to me Xander." I pleaded.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, a familiar smirk playing on his face.

He leaned closer and I knew I was done for.

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- m.