The Atlas Of Love

- twenty two -

I sat on the couch with water slowly dripping down from my hair, waiting for Xander to calm down.

"It was just an emoji, Xander. I can explain." I said, looking down at my feet.

He walked back and forth with his hands on his hips, snorting. "Sure, right. Just an emoji."

"Xande--"

"Uh-uh-uh, no. Don't say anything now." He cut me off.

"So what now. Kara gets the crown emoji, Nick gets a guitar emoji, Dean gets a heart and I get the poop emoji? J, why me?" He sighed, sitting down on the floor.

"It was not me. I don't remember putting a poop emoji next to your name. Heck, I didn't change your name on my phone since you last changed your number and if I remember correctly, you were the one who saved it on my phone." I explained.

"Oh right, so 'BND Xander Collins with a kiss and fire emoji' miraculously changes itself to 'Xander C with a poop emoji' next to it? Wow J." He clapped.

Wait. "Xander, what does BND stand for anyway?" I scrunched my nose.

"Boy next door. Duh. Have you been living under a rock?" He raised his eyebrows.

This made me chuckle.

This is ridiculous.

"Dean might've changed it while going through my phone. I'll change it back right now. What's the big deal? Geez." I snatched my phone back from his hand.

"What emoji do you want next to your name then?" I asked, half-annoyed, half being soft and nostalgic seeing this side of him again.

"I don't know. A big red heart and the kissy face?" He shrugged, his lips curving up slightly.

"Kissy face.." I muttered under my breath, laughing at it.

"Here, done. Happy?" I turned my phone to show him.

"Sure." He stuck his bottom lip out, but his eyes said it all.

"What's wrong now Xander?"

"I don't like the fact that Dean is allowed to go through your phone and change things up and I'm not allowed to do the same. There, I said it." He stood up, hands back on his hips.

I gulped. "What.. What do you mean?" I stood up, standing right in front of him.

"I feel like he's replacing me." He looked away from my eyes.

"Xander, I'm not really getting your point. You better make it clear to me. Quit playing around alright? Quit beating around the bush damn it!" I snapped.

He clenched his jaw.

"Xander.." My voice broke. "You're confusing me. You keep messing my mind up. And I don't like this! If you're gonna keep acting this way, you better clear things up and tell me straight. Don't lead me on if you're not gon--" he looked back straight through my eyes and I momentarily forgot how to speak.

"I'm sorry Jane." He took a step back.

Was it me just being delusional again? Great. Just great.

I quickly turned away, attempting to hide my teary eyes. I hate the fact that I get emotional so easily. Damn, why am I like this?

I felt a pair of arms encircling around my waist tightly, making me gasp.

Xander rested his head on my shoulder and I felt his warm body against mine.

"Xander, I already told you. Don't do this to me. Don't lead me on if yo--"

"I'm still not over it." He spoke softly.

I didn't say anything, waiting for him to continue.

"Every day. Every day I had to remind myself that we were not together anymore so I couldn't do the things that I used to do to you. I couldn't hug you anytime I want, I couldn't kiss you, I couldn't hold your hand and I.. I couldn't even call you mine, J." He paused, sniffing.

A thousand things ran through my mind at that moment but I decided to stay silent.

He was not the only one who went through that.

Things were hard at the time, we were both busy with school and I guess whatever happened back then was for the best.

I think I know now.

"Xander.." I placed my hands on top of his, pushing them away slightly so that I could turn to face him.

"I've thought about this for such a long time now." I cupped his cheeks.

"I imagined this scenario happening someday, over and over again when we first split. I made up my mind that I would never go back to you or that I would never fall for you again and that I would not allow things to go back to the way they were before."

"J, don't say it if you're gonna break me again tonight." He looked away, his body tensed.

I felt lightheaded. Everything seemed like a dream at that moment. Was it really happening?

I had no control over my body or my words.

"But looks like I failed. Damn you Xander Collins, I'm in love with you again." I hit his chest.

"Wow." He let out a deep chuckle.

"Don't 'wow' me Xander. God, I can't believe this is happening again." I ran my fingers through my hair, sitting down on the floor.

He leaned down, putting his hands on my shoulders.

"J, look up."

I hesitantly did as he said, looking up to his eyes.

"I want this and if, if you want it too, we could start over. I swear I won't let you go this time. Just, just give me one more chance." He bit his lower lip, waiting for me to respond.

Xander Collins, why do you keep messing up my mind?

Just then, my phone rang again. Xander turned over to see who it was and the expression on his face hardened.

I shifted my gaze to my phone screen on the table and I got nervous for some reason.

It was all up to me now.

Either I answer Dean's call and end whatever could've happened between me and Xander or I ignore the call and end things with Dean for good.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and then I did what I thought was right.

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I'm not exactly proud of this chapter but this is the best I could come up with. I might be editing it soon, but I'll let you guys know if I do.