The Atlas Of Love

- twenty three -

I reached for my phone at the table and turned it off with a really heavy heart. Oh God. I really had no control over myself.

Dean was right. Xander still had some sort of authority over me. I don't know why or how, but he just always did.

Xander grinned a little at this, staring right through me.

Then, all of a sudden everything felt so familiar again. We were one step away from being us again.

I pushed the guilt at the back of my mind and leaned my forehead against Xander's chest.

"I hate you." I sighed, my hands snaking their way through his back.

He seemed to chuckle at this, "I know, I love you too." One hand patted my back and the other gently stroked my hair.

We stayed that way for a long time, making promises which we had broken the last time and I only hoped we'd be able to keep them, at least this time, because I don't think I'll ever be able to handle losing him again and go back to being just friends.

My neck hurt from being bent for too long and I looked up, staring at his face up close.

"You're still quite fine Collins." I teased, my hands tracing his lips and jawline.

Xander looked away, not being able to hide the smile on his face. I rolled my eyes, hiding my smile too.

"Go take a shower now. You smell bad." I joked, shoving his hands away from my waist.

He shot me a glare, aggressively pulling a towel from the shelve and stomped inside the bathroom.

"Don't tease me J. It's just us tonight, it could get dangerous for you." He yelled from the bathroom.

Back here, my face was burning up for some reason and I fanned myself to cool it down.

While Xander was busy, I decided to talk to Dean.

There was unfinished business between us and I hated myself for this.

I am a cheater, aren't I?

I never should've done this to him. I should've stopped myself from hurting him.

I did just exactly what he feared would happen.

It was as if he had been waiting for my call, seeing how he picked up on one ring.

"Hey.." My words were caught up in my throat, I really didn't know what to say to him.

"Hi Dean." I managed to choke out.

"Listen, are you busy right now? I, uh, we need to talk." He didn't sound good.

"Uh, sure. What's up?"

The guilt was eating me up inside now. Should I tell him?

"Jae-in, I'm sorry."

My tears welled up.

No you idiot, I'm sorry.

"Why?" My voice cracked.

"I messed up. You know why I haven't been calling you these days? I made a mistake Jae-in. I really think we need to take a break right now."

My heart hammered inside my chest and I really couldn't hear what he was saying anymore.

"Jae-in?" His voice got softer.

"Y-yeah?"

"Look, I know you're in Paris with Xan right now. Kara told me. I think we both know well enough what's bound to happen."

It got quiet.

I was at lost for words.

"I'm sorry I messed up Dean." I sniffed.

"You don't have to be. You really don't have to be sorry."

That just made me even more miserable.

"No Dean. You should be mad at me. Please."

I heard him chuckle next. "You wouldn't be saying that if you knew what I did. I'm a bad person Jaein. I don't deserve you."

"No, shut up doofus. You're a great person, I know that better than anyone. I'm the one who doesn't deserve you." I almost cried out loud but I covered my mouth.

"Yeah, we'll see about that when we meet. I just called to say that I'm really sorry things had to be this way but I genuinely hope you have a nice time there." He sounded kind of dejected.

"Are you being sarcastic right now?" I scoffed.

He laughed out loud at this. "No, no. I just don't want you to worry about us while you're there. Have fun with Xander. I mean it." He sighed.

"Dean?"

"Yeah."

"I really don't deserve you."

He clicked his tongue, and then the silence fell once again.

It felt too rude to hang up or end the conversation yet so we just listened to each other breathe and sigh every once a while.

Then I heard a girl calling him from behind and I guess we were both relieved to use that as an excuse to stop.

"I gotta go now, goodnight or morning or whatever the time is there right now." I could already see him grin from the other side.

"Goodnight Dean."

I threw my phone on the bed, sliding down on the floor, still not very sure of what just happened.

The guilt ate me up once again and pulled my hair, sighing out loud.

It seemed like it took forever for the both of us to build that up and everything just flew way with a blink of an eye.

But why was he sorry in the first place?

Was he trying to make me feel guilty about it?

No. Dean is not that kind of person. I know him.

"Easy there tiger, you might end up being bald if you continue tugging your hair." Xander walked out of the bathroom, half naked with a towel wrapped around his hips as he dried his hair with another.

I gulped looking away from his perfectly chiseled body.

"Like what you see?" He raised his eyebrows, grinning at me.

I pretended to cover my eyes at this.

"Oh come on. It's not the first time you're seeing this. You've seen way more than this alright?" He laughed, still drying his hair while examining his face on the mirror.

My cheeks grew hot at this and I snatched the pillow closest to me and hurled it at him.

Next thing I know, the pillow hit the lower part of his back and caused the towel to slip down.

It was as if everything was happening in a slow motion and I shrieked, covering my eyes.

"Yah! Park Jaein!"

__________

Hi everyone!
It's been so long since I've written again but I'm proud of myself for finishing this in less than 15 minutes haha. There's more stuff coming up so I hope you're all looking forward to it and also, what do you guys think Dean may have done that made him apologize to Jane????