The Troubled [COMPLETED]

Chapter twelve

I sat there staring blankly at my hands as I fiddled with them. I can't believe it I had actually killed my baby. Not even knowing it's gender, not knowing what it would look like, not knowing anything about it. I felt so guilty for taking the life of a sweet innocent infant, who hasn't even seen an ounce of this world. But what was it to me really? This world is such a cruel place to be in, why should I feel so sorry for an infant who wasn't even here.

The guys came in asking if I was okay and I just wanted to snap at them but nothing came out of my mouth. Words being twisted, brain cells barely working as all I could think of was how I killed my child.

It was awful yet I tried so hard to push it out of my mind. I wanted to have no part in this, yet I had everything to do with this situation. Images of a little girl or boy running around on a playground as I would sit there on a bench watching from a distance in awe for the child. But then watching as the child runs to a different family, the family that I couldn't give them myself.

Tears falling as regret started to stir within me. I wanted to end my life just as much as I wanted to end my child's life. Was I really trying to give the infant a better life or was I trying to make my life easier?

What is so fucking wrong with me?!

I can't do anything right! First I can't even keep myself out of the system, then I can't keep myself out of this hospital and lastly I couldn't even let my child come into this world. This cruel yet so beautiful world. I want nothing more than to throw myself off a cliff for this all. It feels as if I'm suffocating from the amount of pain in my chest.

Like all of the bubbles of guilt are arising within me, choking me for being the terrible person I am. The feeling of pity yet anger for everything and everyone around me. All of the trouble I have caused for those who try and be there for me, those who still have hope for me. But why should I care? It's only a matter of time before they do give up.

I was so done that if another asked if I was okay then I would break not caring who I hurt. After all that's just the kind of person I am. One who hurts everyone around me.

My parents are gone, brother slipped away. No family in the system has kept me as long as the guys have but then again it's only a matter of time until they do send me away.  The only one who has been there for me in Jin really but then again he doesn't have to see me all of the time, only when I screw up at times like this.

When I harm myself and the guys don't know what to do with me or at a time like this... when I'm dumb enough to take an innocent infants life... and most importantly the fact that I screwed up killing my sweet child that I never even gave a chance to.

(Short time skip)

We had all finally went home. I was about to head straight up to my room but Jaebum he grabbed onto my arm, "We need to talk." He said in a gentle yet firm voice. I just gave him a blank stare, I really don't want to talk to them but hey it's just going to be them talking to me they won't let me talk and give them my reasons.

They sat around me as they started their questions, asking over and over again if I was okay and all I could do was stare off into space. Thinking of how this whole thing was my mistake.

"What happened?" Jaebum finally asked. The others nudged him giving him a warning glare, "I had a miscarriage nothing more." I simply stated trying my hardest not to sound to cold. But hey it's me and things never go my way, "You don't need to snap at us we were just asking." Jaebum snapped back.

"I don't need this I just found out about my miscarriage." And with that I walked away. I looked at myself and realized I really am a horrible person. I could never tell the guys that I was the reason for my miscarriage. I'm sure Jin knows but he wouldn't dare to tell the guys. I decided I was too tired for this and so I went to sleep with tears streaming down my face.