Unheard Words

Only You

It's sad but honestly I can almost justify leaving everyone behind. It would be hard but they would be fine.
I lost a best friend so it makes things easier to just leave.
I never actually could and part of it is simply because I dont want to. It's just something to think about when things get hard because I'm that kind of person.
Kind of like a plan b. Except it's more like a plan 364 because there's the whole alphabet and a bunch of numbered plans before I should ever come to that place.
Adult life is hard and emotions are weird. One minute you can be in love and happy and the next everything can be falling apart around you.
I think it's easier to focus on the not so good, because its easier to get caught up in those emotions.
The good stuff also highlights when you fall down again. "How long is this gonna last" it's like it's hard to be happy because you know you're gonna lose it all eventually anyways.
I hear this isnt how "normal" people think.
I'm really tired a lot. Of wanting, of trying, of wishing. I wish I was tired of actually doing because at least then I would have something to show for myself.
But let's be honest in 2 and a half years I've made an inch of progress.
It's hard, especially when I get into fights with you because you're supposed to make everything easier and sometimes you don't and then honestly things get harder for myself.
A friend you dont have to talk to straight but a boyfriend is a little different. We dont have to be in constant contact but it's hard to not talk to each other for a few weeks to a month straight.
I just always feel like I'm messing up. And I'm not, I'm really not. Yeah we all make mistakes but no it is definitely not all my fault. I'm tired of feeling like it is. Thankfully that's one of the inches I've made progress on.
I have made progress though. In some aspects, I mean I get over things fast, I know how to actually calm myself down, I can not let things bother me as much.
Doesn't mean they never do, doesn't mean I dont get hung up on things.
Let's be honest here I hate a lot more of myself then I like. But that doesn't mean I'm a bad person.
I have a lot of growing to do, and sometimes it's easier to think of how it would be easier if I just...didnt have to.
I could never do it. Like I said I have a few reasons. Life is worth more then the bad times, I have people I love and care about but there's always one person who really puts everything in perspective.
I can almost justify leaving everyone else except my dad.
My dad used to be a firefighter, and everytime something would happen to someone like 20 and younger he would come home to my siblings and I and tell us he loved us and to always, always, talk to him if we needed to.
I have, last year was hard for me and he didnt get it but he wanted to help. I think more than anyone else really.
But I'm his kid it makes sense. My dad is my best friend, he just makes things better in the way that a dad can.
And whenever I think of him I remember all the times growing up, and all the times sitting on the porch deep talking.
You know it's really easy to forget the good in the bad times, just like it's really hard to forget the bad times in the good ones.
But hes the only one who can, no matter what, remind me why it's all worth it.
Maybe that's what hes always wanted for me, my siblings. To be the one reminder when there were no others.
Not that I have no others, everyone I know gives me a reason but I can almost justify it.
I can never justify it for him.
I hate that it even crosses my mind sometimes. That its easier you know. Or could be.
But it wouldn't really be.
Relationship struggles, with anyone should never push you to that point. If it wasnt meant to be then it wasnt and you'll find someone else to fit you better.
Thank you for being my hero, since I was little to now you always have been. And from now to forever you always will be.