The Snitch

(viii)

It all happened in such a rush that I didn't have the common sense to even stop gaping. They started the skit off by sitting in the signature Girls fashion. Mildew, Esther and Leteisha on one side of the table, Beatrice, Irene and me (well, in this case, 'Miss X') on the other side. They were discussing normal stuff, some teacher was a complete tool, some guy was hot enough to be Taylor Swift's next ex. And Monica a.k.a. Miss X, a.k.a reason behind me finally committing murder, was noting everything down sneakily and passing the information to the Teachers' Room. Miss X was leaking all of The Girls' secrets to the teachers. Every. Single. One. She got raised grades and reputation, while The Girls were in detention. Ending of the story? An epilogue scene sometime in the future where they are all (except Miss X) discussing their perfect lives and Mildew asks loudly among acted giggles "Yo, remember that Miss X? Where she at now?"  "Nobody knows." Esther smiled her beatific smile and said "It's like she never existed."

An exaggerated version but yes, I was a snitch. Not for good grades or anything, I just couldn't help it. Part of it may have been due to the compulsiveness from my OCD but, no amount of medical mumbo-jumbo could justify snitching on your friends. I knew that, and whether they believed it or not, I was trying to be better. But, there are only so many chances you can give a person. They got tired and I apologized so damn many times. Talked to them while they pretended not to listen, send them a shitload of texts, cried into their voicemail, Habib had to drag me away before I climbed inside Esther's bedroom window. They tried keeping up with my shit and then decided they didn't have to.

I have never seen as much silence in our English class as I saw when The Girls ended their skit. Everyone was looking at me like I was hiding Bin Laden in my hair.  Even Miss Roberts gave me a few shifty glances. Oh, per-fucking-fect. Guess the teachers know too, now.  Roberts cleared her throat and said "Well, ladies, thank you. Miss Morgan, your group's up next."

Tears were burning in the corners of my eyes and I was pretty sure that I had crescent shaped scars on my palms from digging my nails into them. Yes, very Betty Cooper. There was also this feeling like butterflies in my stomach, but my butterflies were probably infected by zombies and were biting me from inside.

I was a mess but, bad bitches don't cry in front of people now, do they? I had to keep myself together. I nodded, smiled a little,beckoned my group and we headed to the dais. We stood facing the rest of the class, I stepped forward to start the introduction. "You okay?" Ramona whispered to me, softly squeezing my arm. I nodded and opened  my mouth. That's when I realized that bad bitches may not cry in front of people but they can totally throw up their breakfast in front of the whole English class. "That's so not okay.", Ramona said.

 The whole class erupted in chaos as I clutched my stomach and looked at the contents of my stomach strewn on the classroom floor.The first benches were pretty shocked because they were probably expecting a skit and not vomit on their shoes. Miss Roberts was asking me if I was okay but, I just took my stuff and got out of the class. "Let her go," I heard Ramona telling someone, "She needs some time."

Time? I needed it to stop. I needed everything to stop. I needed to stop being a horrible person, I needed to stop fucking everything up.  I needed the horrible staring and muttering to stop. I needed to stop feeling like everyone was talking about me before I enter a room. Talking about what a horrible person I was. Talking about how I can never have friends, only followers. That The Girls were my only hope at having people behind me, and I messed things up with them too. I needed to stop feeling like someone would throw my bag or push me down the stairs. I needed to stop feeling scared all the time.I needed my sisters back.

I didn't notice that I was going to the library till I found myself staring at the door. I pushed it open, when the air conditioner cooled my face, I noticed the hot tears flowing down it. The library was empty except for Ray. God, I so didn't have the energy to deal with him! He didn't look surprised to see me. In fact, I don't think his face was capable of expressing any other emotion than boredom and irritation. But, he was frowning at me today, probably because of the tears.Of course, he didn't care about me being sad or anything. He was probably worried I'll cry too much and the library would be flooded. Jerk.

I sat a few seats in front of him and tugged at my hair. It felt like my heart was physically in pain. Like someone was grinding a mortar on my chest. My breathing was labored and I was pretty sure I was about to pass out. Then, I felt arms around me.

 Ray was kneeling behind me and hugging me from the back. That bastard was so tall that even when I was on a bench, he could put his arms around my neck and pull my head back to his chest. Ray Shen was hugging me? Ray Shen was hugging me?! He didn't say anything, didn't even look at me. But, when I turned my head to look at him with red-rimmed eyes, his arms tightened a little.

And that's when I started crying. Like, full blown crying. I turned around, hugged him like that was the only thing keeping me alive, and screamed into his shirt. It was lucky no one else was in the library because, I probably sounded like a dying whale. He didn't say 'it'll be okay', because he didn't know if it will. He didn't say 'you're fine' because I was anything but fine. He didn't say anything because, he knew that it was words that had caused my pain. He just knelt on the library floor, hugging the snitch, stroking her hair. I kept on crying and was mostly screaming. Screaming at the shit that had happened, at myself, at The Girls. Ray just kept stroking my hair.

And at that moment all I needed was somebody to hold on to.

***

A/N

O Laawwwd, I CAN'T! This pains me so bad, partly because of the lack of awareness on emotional disorders and partly because how perfect Harry Shum Jr is! Well, well, look who updated before time! Where's my cookie?! Anyway, didja like it?! Did Tyra deserve it? Man, I hope we stop seeing things in black and white and notice the vast gray area. That was too smart and deep. Lil Pump, Bhad Bhabie. Okay, now it is balanced.

Vote and comment!! (Never say vomment, that's just wrong.) Next update on Friday!!

- Love, Tannaz.