(JEREMY and MICHAEL in the mall food court. Examining the pill.)
JEREMY
I hope you're worth four hundred dollars.
MICHAEL
Four hundred and one. Don't forget the Mountain Dew.
JEREMY
If this is real...my whole life could change. (Beat.) We should split it. You helped me get it. We should both benefit, right?
MICHAEL
I don't think it works that way. Besides, I like knowing that when you're cool, you'll owe me.
JEREMY
All right. Here goes...everything.
(He puts the pill on his tongue, swallows it with the Mountain Dew.)
MICHAEL
How does it taste?
JEREMY
Minty.
MICHAEL
How do you feel?
JEREMY
Like... (Long pause.) A chump.
MICHAEL
Nothing? At all? Try to say something cool.
JEREMY
I think I just blew my bar mitzvah money on a Wintergreen Tic-tac.
MICHAEL
Yeah... Not cool.
JEREMY
Please leave me alone to mourn in my chili fries, forever.
(Beat.)
MICHAEL
Five minutes.
JEREMY
Where are you going?
MICHAEL
Check it out. Guy in Spencer's Gifts is hooking me up with a case of Crystal Pepsi. It's like regular Pepsi. Only clear.
JEREMY
Wasn't that discontinued in the 90's?
MICHAEL
That's what makes it so awesome.
(MICHAEL exits. JEREMY looks up to see CHRISTINE enter with JAKE.)
CHRISTINE
Shouldn't we wait for the rest of the cast?
JAKE
Yeahh... We're not meeting the rest of the cast. I figured we could get to know each other. Alone. That's why I'm taking you to one of my favorite spots in the universe. Sbarro—
JEREMY
Christine!
CHRISTINE
Jeremy! I didn't see you there.
JAKE
Yeah, you're kinda hard to notice. (to CHRISTINE) The best part, they let you pick whatever you want—
JEREMY
Wait! ...There's something I need to tell you.
JAKE
Now?
JEREMY
I... I...
(Suddenly, JEREMY seizes up, his head wracked with pain.)
OWWW!
VOICE
Target female: inaccessible.
CHRISTINE
Jeremy?
JEREMY
OW! What the HELL?!
VOICE
Calibration in process. Please excuse some mild discomfort.
JEREMY
MILD?!?
CHRISTINE
Jeremy, what's wrong?
JAKE
Dude, the freak's freaking out.
VOICE
Calibration complete. Access procedure initiated.
