And now, the best scene in the entire musical also feels and/or onions
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(JEREMY runs into a bathroom. Locks the door, takes several deep breaths. Sits down on the edge of the tub. A MONSTER HAND reaches up to grab him. JEREMY screams. The hand pulls itself up, revealing...)
MICHAEL
Sup.
JEREMY
Michael? I didn't know you were invited to this party.
MICHAEL
I wasn't. Which is why I'm wearing...this clever disguise!
(JEREMY just stares at him.)
You're speechless. Squip got your tongue?
JEREMY
It's...off.
MICHAEL
That would explain why you're talking to me. (Beat.) I've been thinking about this moment. What I would say to you? I had this really pissed off monologue, an epic journey through twelve years of friendship... (off JEREMY) What?
JEREMY
It's really good to see you, man.
MICHAEL
It won't be. Once you hear what I found out.
JEREMY
Found out?
MICHAEL
About...
(He taps his head. JEREMY realizes what he means.)
JEREMY
How? There's nothing on the internet—
MICHAEL
Which is weird, right? I mean, what's not on the internet? So I starting asking around. Finally, this guy I play Warcraft with... Told me how his brother went from a straight D student to a freshman at Harvard. You know where he is now?
JEREMY
Really happy and successful?
MICHAEL
He's in a mental hospital. Totally lost it.
JEREMY
I don't see what that has to do with...
MICHAEL
Think, man! We're talking an insanely powerful super-computer. You really think its primary function is to get you laid? Who made them? How did they end up in a high school? In New Jersey? Of all possible applications for such a mind- blowingly advanced technology, you ever wonder what it's doing inside YOU?
(Beat.)
JEREMY
And I thought Chloe was jealous...
MICHAEL
I'm honestly asking!
JEREMY
Really? Because I think you're pissed I have one and you don't!
MICHAEL
Come on—
JEREMY
Maybe I got lucky, is that so weird? With my history, I'd say the universe owed me one. And I don't know about your friend's brother's whatever, but if you're telling me his squip made him crazy—
MICHAEL
His squip didn't make him crazy.
JEREMY
Oh. Well... There you go.
MICHAEL
He went crazy trying to get it out.
(Beat.)
JEREMY
Then I've got nothing to worry about. Why would I want that?
(He heads for the door. But MICHAEL is in his way.)
Move it.
MICHAEL
Or you'll what? <(here it comes...)
JEREMY
Get out of my way. Loser. <(and there it is)
(MICHAEL steps aside and JEREMY exits. A knock on the door.)
JENNA
Hello! Other people have to pee!
MICHAEL
I'm having my period.
(Beat.)
JENNA
Take your time, honey.
"Michael In The Bathroom"
MICHAEL
I AM HANGING IN THE BATHROOM
AT THE BIGGEST PARTY OF THE FALL
I COULD STAY RIGHT HERE
OR DISAPPEAR
AND NOBODY'S EVEN NOTICE AT ALL
I'M A CREEPER IN A BATHROOM
CUZ MY BUDDY KINDA LEFT ME ALONE
BUT I'D RATHER FAKE PEE
THAN STAND AWKWARDLY
OR PRETEND TO CHECK A TEXT ON MY PHONE
EVERYTHING FELT FINE
WHEN I WAS HALF OF A PAIR
NOW THROUGH NO FAULT OF MINE
THERE'S NO OTHER HALF THERE
NOW I'M JUST
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT A PARTY
FORGET HOW LONG IT'S BEEN
I'M JUST
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT THE PARTY
NO YOU CAN'T COME IN
I'M WAITING IT OUT TILL IT'S TIME I LEAVE
AND PICKING AT GROUT AS I SOFTLY GRIEVE
I'M JUT MICHAEL WHO YOU DON'T KNOW
MICHAEL FLYING SOLO
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM BY HIMSELF
ALL BY HIMSELF
PARTY GO-ERS
(KNOCK-KNOCK)
(KNOCK-KNOCK)
MICHAEL
MICHAEL I'M HIDING, BUT HE'S OUT THERE
JUST IGNORING ALL OUR HISTORY
MEMORIES GET ERASED
THEN I'LL GET REPLACED
WITH A NEWER COOLER VERSION OF ME
AND I HEAR A DRUNK GIRL
SING ALONG TO WHITNEY THROUGH THE DOOR
(I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY)
AND MY FEELINGS SINK
CUZ IT MAKES ME THINK
NOW THERE'S NO ONE TO MAKE FUN OF DRUNK GIRLS WITH ANYMORE
NOW IT'S JUST
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT A PARTY
I HALF REGRET THE BEERS
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT THE PARTY
AND AS I CHOKE BACK TEARS
I'LL WAIT AS LONG AS I NEED TILL MY FACE IS DRY
OR I'LL JUST BLAME IT ON WEED OR SOMETHING IN MY EYE
I'M JUST MICHAEL WHO YOU DON'T KNOW
MICHAEL FLYING SOLO
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM BY HIMSELF
PARTY GO-ERS
(KNOCK-KNOCK)
(KNOCK-KNOCK)
MICHAEL
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
THEY'RE GONNA START TO SHOUT SOON
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
AW HELL, YEAH I'LL BE OUT SOON
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
IT SUCKS HE LEFT ME HERE ALONE
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
HERE IN THIS TEENAGE BATTLE ZONE
CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG
I FEEL THE PRESSURE BLOWING UP
BANG BANG BANG BANG
MY BIG MISTAKE WAS SHOWING UP
SPLASH SPLASH SPLASH SPLASH
I THROW SOME WATER IN MY FACE
AND I AM IN A BETTER PLACE
I GO TO OPEN UP THE DOOR
BUT CAN'T HEAR KNOCKING ANYMORE
AND I CAN'T HELP BUT YEARN FOR A DIFFERENT TIME
BUT THEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR
AND THE PRESENT IS CLEARER
AND THERE'S NO DENYING I'M
JUST
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT A PARTY
IS THERE A SADDER SIGHT THAN
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT A PARTY
THIS IS A HEINOUS NIGHT
I WISH I STAYED AT HOME IN BED, WATCHING CABLE 90>n
OR WISH I OFFED MYSELF INSTEAD, WISH I WAS NEVER BORN
I'M JUST MICHAEL WHO'S A LONER
SO HE MUST BE A STONER
RIDES A PT CRUISER
GOD, HE'S SUCH A LOSER
MICHAEL FLYING SOLO
WHO YOU THINK THAT YOU KNOW
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM BY HIMSELF
ALL BY HIMSELF
ALL BY HIMSELF
WELL ALL YOU KNOW ABOUT ME IS MY NAME
AWESOME PARTY I'M SO GLAD I CAME
