Echo Creek Mental Institution

Chapter 20: There's No (0) Cure

"My family?" I stutter. "Like... cousins and stuff or like-"
"Let's start with immediate and we'll go from there." Angie smiles at me as I move my legs that'd stuck to the leather couch. I look over to see something spewing smoke on the side table. Not smokes, lavender steam. The room was swimming with it and honestly it felt sticky and gross and I hated it. Would I ask her to turn it off? Oh god no that's WAYYYY too much confrontation.
"I dunno it's just my parents and I and it's all good."
"Really?"
No. "I mean... like they're all nice I haven't been like... abused or anything."
"Star do you think mental health issues can only stem from abuse?"
"I mean... no but like..." I give up.
"Go on."
Fuck. "There's like... no... like specific... I mean like... no one in my past has like... I don't have a reason but like I do I just... I don't have a reason and I know there doesn't need to be one but I don't have one."
"A reason to?"
My eyes started watering. Shit shit shit I'm not even sad! "Like... feel this way..."
"Ah. I understand." She smiles and nods. "But still... Tell me about one of your parents?"
"Uh..."
"Let's start with your dad."
"Okay well, I'd say I'm closer to him... in a way. Like, we enjoy the same activities."
"Like?"
"We enjoy swimming at the beach together and hiking and just being active... like he's more active than me cause I'm usually tired but like yeah."
"How would you describe his character?"
"Hm?"
"Like... what does he value?"
"Passion."
"Expand on that."
"Well he's passionate about a lot of things. His work, for one. He enjoys being active and is really into hunting and music and such. He wanted to get me into it but I just never could."
"Hm."
I gonna need more to work off of than that, Angie.
"Has he ever forced you to be passionate about something? To follow in his footsteps?" Angie continues.
"Yeah I mean I tried hunting but just going out with him wasn't enough, I had to do it on my own and suddenly everything I had to do was a full time commitment I guess. I dunno I never really threw myself into things, I always preferred to dabble."
"I see." She takes a pause and I rub my eyes. Stupid tears I wasn't even sad!
"Sorry." I continue to use my sleeve on my eyes. "I don't know hey I'm crying I just do this randomly."
"Well it's not randomly." She notes. "Clearly you're crying because you need to cry."
I just... I just don't. "Yeah I guess."
"I have tissues if you want."
I'm not sobbing we're all good here, Angie.
"Anyways, tell me about your mom."
I sigh. "My mom." What to say about her? "I'm more... distant with her. I dunno we just don't have compatible personalities. She's very... she has a lot of expectations and doesn't really get me. I mean, she doesn't like the way I dress and I dunno has always seemed like very set in her ways? She's not like mean or anything and I know she loves me and I mean I promise you my parents are nice and yeah."
"Star it's okay I'm not judging your parents. I understand they are trying their best but you're a whole person and it's their job to help you succeed, you shouldn't feel a need to please them."
"Yeah, you're right I know."
"I'm going to say a lot that you know but you still need to here all of it."
"Yeah."
Silence. I'm literally crying for no reason.
"Sorry." I apologize again for my tears and finally give in to the tissues.
"Star its totally fine that's what they're there for."
No they are here for when people have their big break through and are so overwhelmed with emotions they just can't handle it anymore and they ball and confess everything between sobs and suddenly you have the perfect way to fix them. You're just asking about my family. We met twenty minutes ago.
"Switching beats a bit because I need to ask this." She sighs and leans in. "Feel free to just shake your head if you're not comfortable with this question but it was brought to my attention by the nurse when he brought you up that you have scars on your left arm."
Shit. Reflexively, my arms cross themselves over. My heart was in my throat, which had obnoxiously been dried out like a raisin. My head wouldn't move, I wanted to shake it declaring no, I didn't have anything there but it was there, a permanent reminder of how greatly I've fucked up every aspect of my life.
My mouth feels dry, how do I respond to that! All I wanted to do was spill everything that has ever happened, my whole life story to this random person. But I shouldn't, that's not a very normal thing to do.
"Okay we can come back to that at a later date." Angie didn't write anything down after that comment. Her pen wasn't even in her hand anymore, she was just looking at me. The room began to feel very... still and oddly small.
She continues, "So your parents are both great people, but aren't a great fit for you? Do I have that right?"
I nod, waiting for my mouth to be able to open again.
"I see plenty of kids like you, Star."
Fuck so I'm normal. Greaaaaaat.
"But that doesn't mean I know you. We're nearly out of time but I'll see you again tomorrow and we'll delve more towards getting to the root of your problems."
I nod again. "Thanks."
"Also, very quickly." She leans in. "You seem like the type of girl who came in here looking for a cure."
Uh... yeah isn't that the point?
"I don't mean to be a negative Nancy but there is no cure to be found. The staff here is here to help you do better, to make life less tough. It's going to be hard work and that may sound daunting, but it will all come in time. And one day, living might not be such a daunting task."
I feel sick.
"Thanks." I repeat and leave to an empty hallway. I softly close the door and turn to the the deafening silence.
I know there's no cure, of course there won't be. Nothing is ever that easy for me. But having to live every day like this, feeling the crushing weight of life just on top of me with everything I do for the rest of my eternity?
I suddenly realize that living is my only option at the moment. There is no way for me to die unless I stab myself with one of the sporks they give you. I'm warily aware that I'll never be able to actually kill myself. I can feel it rolling around in my head, I'm going to be alive forever. I'm not lucky enough to die from some disease in a few years. I'm goin to live until I'm 90 or so and suddenly the room is small again and I feel suffocated by oxygen.
I'm not going to die soon.

MMMMM HEYYYYYYY

SOOOOO BASICALLY FOR THE LAST WEEK OR SO IVE BEEN IN A DESTRUCTIVE DEPRESSIVE SPIRAL AND IVE SLOWLY BEEN TEARING APART MY LIFE BIT BY BIT EVERY DAY. SO BASICALLY THATS WHY I HAVENT UPDATED CAUSE ILL WRITE WHEN IM NOT DOING TO HOT BUT BOI IVE BEEN BELOW FREEZING FOR A WHILE NOW SO YEAH HERES THIS SHIT
WOLFIE