fem.

identity

"Morning sunshine," Aspen says as she grabs a pot in the kitchen. "Do you drink coffee?"

"If it's a Starbucks latte, sure." I scoff. I get off the couch and fold the blanket I didn't even know was on me. She walks over and hands me a mug, filled nearly to the brim with coffee and hazelnut creme, with cinnamon on top. It's actually strangely identical to my Starbucks order. She sits down next to me on the couch.

"Could we talk about last night?" She sets her mug on the coffee table before even taking a sip.

"Are you my new therapist or something?"

"Just trying to get to know my guest."

I feel oddly comfortable around her. Her face is warm and kind, and resembles someone I can't pinpoint. I kind of want to tell her everything that happened last night.

So I do. I tell her everything, from how Xavier and I met to how I ended up on the side of the bridge.

"So, you left because Xavier called you a beautiful boy?" She clarifies.

"I know it's weird."

"I mean, it's not weird if you're a boy. Aren't you?"

I pull my legs to my chest and sit in a ball, leaning against the arm of the couch. I know I'm supposed to say yes, I know that no one has ever given me a reason to NOT say yes... but it just doesn't feel right. "I'm a boy" just doesn't sound like something that should come out of my mouth.

"You're hesitating." She notes.

"No way, Sherlock."

"Well, I mean," she takes a sip of coffee, "If you can't say yes right away, then are you really a boy?"

"I don't know. Why do I have to know?"

"You don't have to know, Andie. I'm just trying to figure out why what he said bothered you so much."

"I know, I know, I'm sorry. I just get... defensive— about this kind of stuff."

"Well, if he had called you a beautiful girl.... would you have left?"

I thought about it. For a long time. So long of a time that she reached her hand out and held mine.

"I still would have left. But not because of what he said, but because I just wasn't ready for sex."

"Well, that's a fair point, yes. But don't you think that pretty much answers the question?"

"I suppose so. Thanks."

"No problem."

I felt like I was overstaying my welcome. I checked my phone. I had 3 missed calls and a bunch of missed texts from Xavier. I should call him. I really do miss him. I stood up off the couch and extended my arm to shake her hand.

"What are you doing?" She chuckled.

"Saying goodbye," I said firmly, "Until we see each other again."

"You're so formal!" She got up off the couch and hugged me instead. I'm not really a fan of hugs, but I put my arms around her anyway. Didn't want to be rude, you know.

"Here—" She put her phone in my hand. "Put your number in my contacts and I'll check in with you soon. Just want to make sure you're okay."

I typed my number in, thanked her again, and walked to the door. As I opened it, she said:

"You know, you really are a beautiful girl."

A smile flashed onto my face, but I didn't let her see it. In fact, I didn't even look at her again. I walked out the door, and back to my apartment.